Friday, November 30, 2007

November

  • november

    November was okay I guess. Normally the end of October through November is a pretty rough time for me, so I guess this year went okay. March isn't so good either.
    But I have realized that I always want what I can't have. And when I have it, I don't want it. I need to stop that.

  • If Emme ends up being half the drama queen her mother is, I am screwed. Jeniffer is the biggest drama queen I have ever met in my life. Some of my friends are pretty dramatic, but none of them come remotely close to Jeniffer. And Emme is already pretty dramatic, so I'm in trouble.

  • I feel like I'm reverting to how I was last year. At least how I was about school. I need this year to go as smoothly as possible and I need to take all my classes seriously, but I really could care less right now. And it's stupid because I just feel this way about my AP classes, which are the most important ones. I need to snap out of it ASAP. But I did in fact turn in 4 applications today :]

  • ... to get sick!
    I hate being sick. I've been on the verge of getting sick since Wednesday, and I'm inching close to the edge. But I cannot get sick! I can't! I cannot be sick for this weekend.

  • So today didn't go as planned. I was supposed to spend the day with Kimi whether Nely liked it or not, but that's not how it went down. Kimi spent the day with Nely and she didn't warn me at all. So she totally ditched me for that bitch. I was just starting to think we were on the right track to fixing our friendship, but apparently not. So now I really have no outlet. I'm pretty pissed. I figured she'd ditch me for Nely, but I figured she'd tell me. It's a hairflip, it's whatever.

  • ...of needs.
    I need a friend that I can spill to. I need a firend that I can spill to that I can trust. I need a friend that I can spill to that will listen. I need a friend that I can spill to that will understand. I need a friend that I can spill to and know that it will stay between us. I need a friend that I can spill to that won't make me feel stupid. I need a friend that I can spill to.
    Right now, I don't have one of those friends. I have friends that fit one or more of those qualities, but they need to have them all... the whole package. I need an outlet 'cause writing everyday isn't cutting it.

  • I am stuck at home yet again on a fine evening like tonight. I need to go out. I need to have a good time. I need to forget about everything for a little bit. I need loud music. I need to dance with a boy with a faux hawk. I need to have a reason to "check the phone" I need to catch silly boys who fall down. I need to laugh at my firends when they're buzzed I need to go out.

  • So he wasn't sincere. His motives weren't the same as mine. I got played pretty bad last week and now I feel stupid. Karma I guess. So it's a no go... At least it didn't go too far and I didn't get in over my head.
    But I made a declaration tonight. I made pretty much an identical one maybe around May, but that one didn't turn out so well. I went against my original declaration of falling for no boys that were in band, and that weren't seniors. The one thing I didn't go against was my decision to stay single until November. I made it, but it was a pretty depressing journey, and I want it to end already. So my new declaration is the same minus staying single til November. It sucks for a few people, but whatever.
    But I have yet to find Prince Charming. I have yet to get those butterflies I so desperately want and need. He has to be out there somewhere.

  • Letting go is hard.
    Even in your darkest times, you will find light.
    The past is dead, the future hasn't arrived.
    This moment is all you have.
    HOPE is your soul awake.

  • decisions get the best of me...

  • One year ago I couldn't have been happier. One year ago I was ecstatic. One year ago I thought that feeling would never end. I was wrong. Lot's of things happened between then and now that made that happiness go away. Sure I'm happy now, but I haven't been as happy as I was a year ago. I still have hope that maybe that feeling will come back, but that hope fades more and more each day...
    One year ago I couldn't have been happier.

  • Tonight wasn't the last performance.
    We still didn't make championships, coming in 13th overall, but we're still going to a championship. Instead of going to a socal championship, we're going to a California State Championship. That just sounds so much better. So it isn't quite over. I guess that's okay.
    But we swept everything but guard at bandjam. Four years undefeated! I should be really happy, but i kinda just feel like whatever

  • Repeat of sophomore year. Came in 11th by half a point No championships this year. Oh well...
    So tomorrow night is the very last time we'll be marching the show. I'm sad that it won't be at championships, but I'm relieved that it's finally over. Hopefully I won't ever have to march again after Disneyland. Unless I get paid of course...
    Tomorrow night better go out with a bang. Hopefully we'll sweep everything.

  • I don't think band is going to championships this year. We didn't get that high of a score tonight...
    We'll find out Monday I guess. But if we don't go, maybe I'll get to take my SATs afterall.
    But we'll still totally win at Jamboree. No doubt in my mind. We have to.

  • I really wanted to go out tonight. I really had no preference to where, just out. But unfortunately, I was not invited anywhere. Too bad so sad. So I'm home, on a Friday night, and I just ate cereal. Loads of fun

  • Is sooooooo good.

  • Goodnight world. College applications are way too stressfull.

  • I still don't know what his motives are, but today was fun
    I could definately go for more days like today.

  • I have to finish m homework!
    I fell asleep for over an hour!
    Ahhhh!

    But today was nice :]
    I saw him for a few minutes this morning
    I'm still apprehensive...

  • I'm not so sure of the sincerity anymore. Maybe I'm just being told what I want to hear. I'm a sucker for stuff like that. I'm not quite sure what his motives are and that worries me. I know what I want, but it might not be what he wants. I thought we wanted the same thing.
    Whatever happens happens.

  • Pepperdine preview day was a success. It didn't scare me off and I wasn't uncomfortable there like I was at USC. And it's location is an absolute plus.

  • Cal lost tonight

  • I even voted for 2, and I think i'd have been able to handle it, but I don't really want to. There's no point anymore.
    I can't just drag them along for the ride. It isn't fair. I knew it would happen too. I didn't want it to, but it was going to happen sooner or later. I guess it's better sooner than later. Why do I get myself in these situations?
    But yes, I want to give it another try. I've been warned not to, but I'm optimistic. I don't think I could handle being crushed like that again I will work hard so that that won't happen. I don't think I tried hard enough last time.

  • How I love West Side Story!

    Haha, anyways...

    So tonight was pretty awesome. Hi-jinx was really fun and the company was great :]

    And I do believe that what I was told on Monday is sincere. I think it would work. There seems to have been major changes to both parties, changes for the better, so that changes things... for the better. If it didn't work last time, maybe it will now.

    And I think I have been persuaded. Something that's the same will probably become boring. I hate to admit it, but it's true. It will be dependable, but lose it's charm. But maybe not. I've seen Mary Poppins thousands of times and it's always the same, but I love it! But in this case, I don't think I could love it. Besides, I don't like that word. I've used it before and meant it, and was crushed shortly after. I can't just throw it around.

    The majority of people asked said two. But I don't think I will be able to handle that for long.

  • Band did pretty good today.... possibly good enough for championships. And we definately are good enough to beat Sante Fe. But we'll see come November 19th who the better band is. Us!

  • Why do things happen at stupid times?
    I'm on my way to being okay, and then this happens.
    Why couldn't I have been told this months ago when I really wanted to hear it?
    I don't know if I should believe it or not.
    I'd really like to, but I'm scared.
    What if it wasn't sincere?
    I hope it was.
    We'll see I guess.
    I don't want to be hurt like that again.

  • Applications are way more stressfull than they need to be!

  • I don't know what's going on, but I hope it turns out okay. I want it to turn out okay. I need it to turn out okay. Whenever something good seems to be happening, something bad happens and makes all that goodness go away. I don't want that to happen anymore.
    I need to start using my head. I don't, and I should. I make decisions with my heart way too often, even when my head is screaming at it to pick something else. So I guess I'm driven by passion. But hey, I'm all for passion

  • Tonight was Friday, but it wasn't fun filled. Friday nights normally involve hanging out with my friends, having a great time at the football game. Not tonight. There was a football game tonight, but instead of having a great time with my friends, I was stuck with the band. I didn't realize how much I hated band until tonight. I mean, I knew I was tired of it, but tonight definately confirmed it. I think for the most part I'm just sick of the people. Of course there are some people in band that I think are great and I'm so glad they're in my life, but those few people are outnumbered by about three times as many people that annoy the crap out of me. Maturity levels in band are at an extreme low and I wish that weren't the case. Our season needs to hurry up and be over.

  • I miss my best friend. I do. She hurt me really bad, but I miss her. We were extremely close and now we barely talk. I mean, it's gotten a lot better this week, but it's not anywhere close to how things were. I have so much to talk to her about it's not even funny. But how can I? I don't trust her. At least not yet. Hopefully I will soon, because this is ridiculous.
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