August 3

I had a panic attack last night thinking about what’s going to happen when school starts and I went into full blown catastrophe mode when I got my “reassurance” message.  My conscience was calling me a foolish romantic to think that I could just make things better, if only a little.  I made no difference.  I don’t regret my gesture since it made me happy, but I do feel foolish and embarrassed by it.  I really did think things would get better.  I was too late and I should have known.  I didn’t make a difference.  I might have made things worse.  I did irreparable damage and I don’t think there’s anything I can do to make it better.  I fucked everything up way too much and I just have to deal with the consequences, like losing friends.

I finally stopped crying around 3 and walked around the house saying “I’m okay I’m okay I’m okay,” but I wasn’t.  I was mad at myself.  I needed to get out of the house.  I needed to run away.  I needed a drink.  I needed to hide.  I needed my meds.  I needed to be okay.

I think I’m done.  I don’t want to be, but I don’t think it’s wise to keep trying where my efforts aren’t wanted/won’t do any good.  I can’t fight for something that isn’t there anymore.  Hope isn’t good enough, but at least I can really get on with things now.  At least I tried.  At least I proved how far, literally, I’ll go.  I really do have to start over this year.  I think I’m done blogging too.  It’s been a good run, but it’s caused more harm than good.  And if I need to say something, I should just say it.  No more writing to cyberspace where nobody reads it anyway.

August 2

I was more productive today.  I only spent half of the day on the couch and didn’t watch TV until 9.  I spent the majority working on stuff for the Board.  I am so stoked about it.  It’s a lot of work, but when I was working on my computer, I was just thinking about how much I enjoy doing what I was doing.  That’s great.  No downward spiral here.  And my meds weren’t ready, again, so I’m on day 2 of being un-medicated.  Nothing bad has happened yet.

August 1

I did absolutely nothing today besides sit on the couch, watch TV, and eat.  I feel gross about it.  However, I did venture out to pick up a prescription, but something was wrong, so they weren’t ready.  They should be ready tomorrow.  I guess I’ll just have to keep my fingers crossed that I won’t go into catastrophe mode tomorrow or spiral into the pits of depression.

July 31

I didn’t sleep too well on account that a certain cat woke me up every 2 hours to cuddle.  Cute, but unnecessary.  And the weird dreams continued.  I dreamt about graduation, only it was Cal’s, and I dreamt about a track meet/BOM.  Odd.

Today was extremely chill.  I spent most of it watching “Jersey Shore”, then I watched “The Next Food Network Star,” the “The Glee Project,” took a break to eat, watched “Keeping up with the Kardashians,” and then more of the Shore.  But I was also multi tasking.  I’ve been drawing up multiple concepts for the BOM logo and have been trying to get the just right, and I finally started doing them on the computer.  I didn’t just start, I finished.  I finished 3 designs and now I just need to see which one Courtney likes best and then I can finish with the rest of the promo stuff.  I’m actually really excited about it.  Now I just need to bust out 4 more poster designs plus a calendar before the 19^th and I’m set.