June 29

There's a detail I forgot to write about yesterday.  I guess I'm trying to ignore it.
Lisa's back.  I don't know how long she'll be back, but she's back.  I don't like her.  I never have.  And I didn't like living with her the last time I lived at home.  At first I thought living at home wouldn't be so miserable, but now I'm not so sure.  I was thinking about just going to live with my dad, but that would be weird.  And he wouldn't let Scout stay in the house.

Motive was okay today.  I was just so tired the whole time.  I think I was just burnt out from yesterday.  I made phone calls pretty much the whole time and then came back to Malibu for meeting of sorts.

Tomorrow should be interesting...

June 28

I'm most definitely cutting today's post short.  I'm tired and just got in.

I woke up and headed home and then my mom and I stopped for brunch before getting lost for an hour.  How we got lost, I don't know.  Then we hit up California Adventure and did all the fun stuff and went on the new Little Mermaid ride.  Awesome.  And I was happy to see that Mulholland Madness wasn't destroyed, it's name just changed.  Next was Disneyland, and although we didn't get to a whole lot of rides do to the amount of people that decided to show up today, it was still super fun.  And the revamped Star Tours was awesome too.  Well done, Disney.

So now I need to get to bed.

I have to wake up early and whip up some sketches.

June 27

Today was a good day for adventuring.
Maddie and I met up at Starbucks around 11:45 and then made our way to the zoo where we spent all of the afternoon.  It was actually hot for once, which was lovely, but it also kind of sucked a little bit since we were walking around and stuff.  Totally worth it though.  After we walked around the zoo we headed over to the old abandoned zoo and walked around that.  It was so awesome how everything was just abandoned and old and all tagged up.  But it was also really sad how animals were actually kept in such small enclosures that were by no means adequate.  Definitely a trip.

We were starving after all of that heat and walking around, so we ended up in Glendale for a late lunch/early dinner and then headed to the Commons to watch Super 8.  Not as fantastic as I was hoping it would be, but still really really good.  I think I liked Cloverfield better though.  And I liked all of the trailers before the movie except Transformers.  I never watched any of them and Shia isn't really my cup of tea.  I liked Eagle Eye though.  That night was wonderful.

I need to shower and then go to bed.  I'm exhausted and I have another big day ahead of me tomorrow.

June 26

Fact:  It takes the average person about 7 minutes to fall asleep.

I however, take hours.

Fortunately, last night was probably closer to 7 minutes.

I concentrated on listening to the waves outside and they lulled me to sleep.  I'm actually pretty tired, so hopefully tonight will take about 7 minutes too.

Despite going to bed when I planned to, I didn't wake up until 12:30.  I wasn't planning on doing anything today, but Maddie texted and said she was bored, and since I hadn't eaten at all, I suggested we get dinner. We went and got dinner and did some shopping, I still had no luck on finding a dress to wear for my cousin's wedding, and then I came back to the apartment and contemplated cracking open a RedBull.  I didn't.  I went to Tim's apartment instead and watched a movie with him and his roommates and drank some wine.  It was nice.  I love sitting around and watching movies with people.  It might be one of my favorite things.

I needed today.  I needed to be around people.  I think being around people kind of rejuvenates me.  I'm definitely introverted and spend a fair amount of time by myself, but I actually really like spending time with other people.  It's refreshing.  Adventures with friends, and acquaintances like this evening, are refreshing.

I need to get to bed.

June 25

Falling asleep has become a huge issue.  This past week especially.  I've been falling asleep normally around 4, but last night it was closer to 5.  I was originally planning on spending the day with my mom and grandma at some family reunion thing, but when I tried to wake up, I just couldn't.  3 hours of sleep wasn't enough, so I stayed in bed and got 7.

The sun was out for once, but it was still kind of cold, so going to the beach or laying out on the roof was out of the question.  I ended up spending the WHOLE day watching Pushing Daisies on Netflix.  I started it yesterday and finished it today.  It was actually really good, but I hated the way it ended.  I guess the ending was sloppy since it didn't get renewed.  Unfortunate.

I will probably be up for another 4 hours, so that means I'll probably start another TV show.

I can't believe I'm moving home.  I haven't spent more than 2 nights at home in over a year.  I miss the Starbust House and everyone in it.  I especially miss family dinners.  So what if they were a lot of work? I loved cooking and I loved that for that twenty to sixty minutes we were together.  I can't live by myself.  I can't leave Pepperdine.

June 24

A week from now I think I'll be writing from home.  I'm moving home.

Nothing happened today besides Motive and the slightest bit of hope.

June 23

I keep going back and forth between being hopeful that this next year will be great and wanting to never set foot on Pepperdine’s campus again.  I want next year to be great, and there are moments where they actually seem like they could be, but at the same time, there are so many things working against me.  There are so many obstacles that are in my way and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to get past them.  That doubt is the part that makes me want to run away and just forget it all.  Running away from everything that has happened.  Allowing myself to try and start over.  Again.  For real.  Right now, and probably for the next 20 minutes, I’m all for going MIA and never coming back to Pepperdine.  Coward move, and my family would never allow it, but that seems like the only solution at the moment.

Motive was boring, but productive. 

I literally spent 5 hours looking for housing when I got back from work.  I’m so screwed. But people are trying to help and give me suggestions, so that’s really really nice and I really appreciate it.  I just can’t find something that works.  How did I let this happen?

My mind was running out of control the rest of the evening.

Can something please go well for me?  For once?  No more obstacles.  No more catastrophes.  No more heartbreaks.  Just something good.  Please.  Anything.  Please.  I’d be more than willing to work for it, but I just don’t have the strength to keep fighting.  To start, really.  I’ve always kind of just rolled over.  I’m just so beaten.  I need help. I need support. 

Something good.

Please.

June 22

I was a mess yesterday and I'm not proud of it.  Lapse of self control.  Lapse of strength.  Lapse of courage.  Everything.  It was stupid and shouldn't have happened.  I had another tear fest when I went to bed last night, but not because I was upset or anything.  Well, I guess I was upset, but not like that.  I just can't help but wish I could fix things.  I am so sorry for everything I've done, and didn't do, to the point where it drove me to tears.  It was comparable to how much I cried after the last time I talked to Katy.  But I wasn't tearing myself up this time.  I genuinely felt sad and sorry.  And I don't think there's any amount of apologizing that can fix things.  I don't know how to fix things.  I don't even think I deserve the chance after what I've done.  And that kills me.  I am so sorry.

Normally being held and told that everything would be okay would suffice, but I needed more last night.  I would have given anything to have been able to just talk through what was going on in my head.  I needed someone to listen.  Just listen.  No words needed to be spoken back.  I just needed to verbally express the thoughts and feelings in my head.  That someone couldn't be just anyone, despite how I normally tend to vent.  This someone needed to be the someone.  The someone I've always wanted but never allowed myself to have.  The one I was always too afraid to have.  I would still love it if I were able to develop that kind of relationship with Erin and/or Katy, but to be honest, the more and more I think about it, the more and more I don't think it will never happen.  I'm starting to think that maybe even being friends won't happen.  And it's heartbreaking that that thought has been running through my mind.  I don't deserve their time.  I don't deserve another chance.  I was given too many to begin with.  I'm thankful for that extra time, I just regret not using it the right way.  I don't think I could ever make it up to them.  I don't think I could ever give them everything they gave to me.  If given the chance, I would do everything in my power to try.  I know what to do, I just don't know how to do it.  It'll be a learning process and it might take some time, but I would make sure it was worth it.  But I still don't think I deserve that chance.  There's really no guarantee that anything would change.

I was able to fall asleep around 2:30, but Scout was being spastic all morning and woke me up at multiple times.  Unfortunately, she didn't wake me up when I was supposed to wake up, so instead, I woke up when I was suppose to leave for Motive.  I was only 10 minutes late, so it worked out.  I actually did stuff today, but the intern schedule got shifted around.  So now instead of having all the interns in on the same days, it's limited to 3 a day.  And my days to come in are now Wednesday and Friday.  However, Becca texted me about an hour ago asking if I could come in tomorrow.  I have nothing better to do, so I agreed to come in.

My head was full of doubts on my drive home, and I tried to fight it, but I couldn't.  As much progress that I had thought I made recently, it's really nothing.  I have so much further to go in order to get my act together.  Maybe I really do need to actively seek help.  It would be so much easier to give up at this point, to just go back to the way things were, but I wasn't happy like that.  I don't know if I'll be happy in the future, but I'd like to hope I will be.  I hope I can at least reach some level of complacency and not feel like it's always me against the world.  But I guess that's selfishness.  I need to be less selfish.

I'm just scared.  What if I don't get better?  What if it's impossible for me to change?  What if I really am incapable of being the person I always wished I could be?

I've been failing for years, but I guess that just means I'm not trying hard enough.  I really don't have the energy anymore.  I have the goal in mind, although possibly unobtainable, and I have the motivation, I just need the drive and energy.  And support.  Support would be fantastic right about now, but I don't really know where to get that.  I'm not enough.

I need to know that everything's going to be okay.
Right now, I don't see signs that it will.

June 21

I didn’t fall asleep until 4:30.

But I woke up at 10:30, so I guess I got a fair amount of sleep.  And then I ended up falling asleep from 2:30-5.  I needed it I think.

I was too lazy/tired to make any rash decisions today.

I did, however, have a little bit of a panic attack.  I was thinking about what I’m going to do about my living situation for this upcoming year.  I am genuinely scared.  I’m extremely worried about it now.  I can’t find a place I can afford on my own, and even if I did, I’d be terribly lonely.  I don’t want to have to move back onto campus because that’s pathetic, more expensive, and I’d lose Scout.  But if I’m desperate, I’m desperate.  And I’m scared that I’ll end up with randos and this year will just be uncomfortable and I won’t want to be home ever.  I am so scared.  It’s all my fault.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I don’t want this year to be miserable.

But maybe moving back home would be best.  Maybe being away from everyone will guarantee that I won’t hurt anyone again.  If not living around campus will ensure that I won’t hurt anyone, I’ll do it in a heartbeat.  Even at the expense of my happiness.

Backsliding.

The second panic attack came around 8 when Melanie came over.  She was talking about how great her house and her roommates are and I just lost it.  I’ve been missing Erin and Katy TERRIBLY and I was trying really really hard to just get over that whole bit of drama, but being stressed out about my lack of plans and hearing about their great ones just pushed me over the edge.  I thought I could handle it, but I was wrong.  I'm not ready yet.  I don't know if I'll ever be.  I started bawling alone in my room.  Probably not the best idea, but I popped open a bottle of booze I had in my room.  And then another.  It just fueled the fire.  I was scared.  I was mad.  I was sad.  I was hurt.  I was bitter.  I was confused.  I was overwhelmed.  I was drunk.  I needed to leave, but I couldn’t.  Again, I needed to be held and told that everything would be okay.  98% of the time, that's all I need.  At least to calm me down.  I also miss hugs terribly.  Good ones.  The hugs from my mom, my grandparents, and Katy are worth 10 times more than anyone else's.  Those are quality.  Those mean something.  I crave those in times like these.

I thought about calling my mom, but I was in no condition.  Besides, she would have given me advice that wasn't satisfactory anyway.  I really have nobody to turn to.  I had been fighting for so long to prove that I could take care of myself and that I didn't need anybody, but now that I really do need someone, they're gone.  I've driven everyone away or haven't allowed them anywhere close.  Now I have no choice but to take care of myself.  And I can't.  I can't do it.  I'm toxic to myself and anyone who comes close.

Maybe I should take a year off from school.  A semester.  Maybe I should transfer.  Maybe I should disappear for a while.

Sometimes I wish I really could just self destruct.  Really self implode.  But I’m not that selfish.  I’m wallowing again, but it feels likes shit is thrown at me non stop.  I can’t deal with it.  Multiple housing issues, London, family stuff, friend stuff, job stuff.  Non stop.  It needs to stop.

Or I will.

June 20

I couldn't fall asleep until around 4 this morning, and I have a feeling tonight will be more of the same.

I actually did stuff at Motive today and I learned a thing or two.  I felt useful and like my internship actually had a purpose.  I think Kevin bounced though.  He was complaining last Wednesday about doing bitch work and he wasn't around on Friday and he wasn't around today.  But it was his birthday on Thursday, so maybe he took a trip this weekend... Regardless, Motive was worth while for once.

The rest of the day consisted of playing with Scout, eating pizza and drinking beer with the boys, and geeking out over potential Blue and Orange Madness concepts.  This won't be my debut as the graphic design chair, but it will essentially be my most important design.  The whole school will see it.  Like the whole school.  Plus alumni.  It's going to be plastered everywhere.  And people will be wearing the shirts.  Freshman will be wearing those shirts, my shirts, for 4 years.  It needs to be good.  I just don't know if I have that in me.


And I was seriously craving to do something rash.  I don't have anything to do tomorrow, so I was thinking about getting a tattoo, a small one in white ink on my wrist, but I should probably save up for the one I decided on the other day.  That one shouldn't be too pricey since it'll just be calligraphy, but still.  I guess it depends on how big it'll be.  I was thinking 3X5.  I can't wait.  I want it now.  Maybe I'll get some new hardware instead of ink...

June 19

Last night went as expected.  Today was okay though.  I just stressed, but I also spent lots of time relaxing.

I slept in and then spent most of the day watching movies, looking for a place to live, and messaging people about my pathetic desperation and asked if they knew of anyone who could help me out.

That's pretty much all I did today.

And I talked to my mom about my situation and she said, "That just goes to show you that you can't trust or rely on other people."  It's hearing things like that from my family that unconsciously screws me up.  "I can't trust or rely on other people."  So that must mean I should only look out for myself.  I should only rely on me.  I should take on the world by myself.

But that doesn't work.




I hope tomorrow goes well =]

June 18

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

This morning started off with going to look at a house with Laura.  I wasn’t a fan, but we could make it work if we had to.  And we’d really have to try to make it work.  Laura and I went back to her apartment and discussed options.  I was optimistic when I left.

When I checked my email when I got home at 11:45, my optimism crashed and blew up in a ball of flames.  I’m kind of pissed, but kind of not.  I don’t really know.  The sparknotes version of the email goes something like this:  Turns out Caroline can’t afford any of the houses we want, so the best option is to just stay in Laura’s apartment.  Staying in Laura’s apartment means Laura and I would be sharing a small “master” bedroom and I couldn’t keep Scout.  The cost would be significantly lower than ALL other options, but I don’t want to share a Hayes sized room and not be able to keep Scout.  Especially when I wasn’t really looking forward to living with them in the first place.  And the email also suggested that I find my own place and just come over for weekly dinners and game nights.  Fuck.  So I’ll either find my own place, move back home, or find someone to live with.  Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.  All this time, wasted.  Maaaad stressin’.  Living by myself definitely has some perks, but I'm afraid I'll be terribly lonely and I'll end up being a hermit.  Moving back home would be cheaper, but commuting would be such a pain and I'd for sure not have a social life or see anyone ever.  And I have absolutely no clue who is in need of a roommate.  Fuck.  I'll figure it out.  I have to.  I wouldn't be in this position if I was a good friend to the people that mattered most.  That's what it comes down to.  I'd still be with them, in a happy home.  I shouldn't, but I'm probably going to beat myself up about that and cry myself to sleep.  FUCK.

On a lighter note, everything before the email went well.  I drove home to see my dad, but stopped by to see my grandparents first.  They were on their way to lunch, so I joined them.  I missed them so much.  I just love spending time with them.  They are so funny together and it’s great.  They were being nostalgic and telling me stories about when I was a baby that I had no recollection of and was surprised that they did since they forget what they say right after they said it.  And my grandma was telling me how hard it was to go from seeing me practically every day of my life to suddenly have me move away to school and now she barely sees me.  It was sad, but sweet.  I love them so much.

After our late lunch, I headed over to my dad’s where the Baxters were napping and then we all went to mass.  I couldn’t remember the last time I had gone, so I felt guilty, but just for a second.  And then I would feel guilty when I realized I wasn’t paying attention, but when I tried, I just couldn’t.  Whatever. 

After dinner we went to Benihana for dinner, which went longer than I was expecting, and then we got home around 9.  I was hoping to leave for Malibu after that, but my dad had me help him around the house with stuff until 10:30.  He thought I was staying with my mom tonight, but I let him know that I had an hour of driving to do.  So he let me leave.

And then I checked my email and died a little.  It’s just frustrating that I could have found myself something a month ago, but stopped looking/trying because I thought I’d have a solid plan with Laura, Ashlyee, and Caroline.  I don’t understand why it has to be so difficult. 

Stressed to the maxxxxxx and back.

June 17

Living with boys.

Tim’s great.

Nico’s great, except he’s in China until I don’t know when.

Armando can move back to TJ.  I’ve decided that I can’t stand him.  My mood negatively changes when I hear him park his car and walk up the stairs.  Last night was too much.  They came home a little after midnight, proceeded to get high in the living room, make stupid jokes and vulgar comments, blast rap, and were just all around intolerable.

I would have loved to have gone out and say something, but I didn’t want to be that girl. That roommate.  But seriously.  It was a Thursday.  The walls are thin.  Some people can’t stay up until 3 in the morning and be fresh for their day of interning, or trying to intern.

I enjoy living with boys, I do, just not Armando.  If he wasn’t here, things would be great.  Or if he was just quiet and considerate, things would be great.  Tim and Nico are quiet and considerate.  It’s not like boys can’t be those things.

Motive was kind of okay today.  When I asked for something to do, they handed me a script and told me to read it.  So I read it.  The whole time.  And now on Monday I get to write a report about it.  Cool that I can put script coverage on my resume, but dumb that I actually have to do script coverage.

After Motive I went to the mall to try and find something for my dad for father’s day.  I don’t know him very well.  Plus I’m not so good at gift giving.  He just redid his bathroom, bedroom, and office, so I got him something for his office and a cd.  So thoughtful. 

When I got home, Tim and some of his friends were sitting around talking, drinking, and smoking, but I was tired, so I disappeared into my room.  They left to go to Dukes and then one of Armando’s friends that’s staying with us came over with some of his friends.  I still stayed in my room.  Tim came home, minus his friends, and then the group played poker.  I was invited to play, but I don’t know how to play and I wasn’t really in a social mood.  But Tim came in a few minutes ago and said that when I go to bed he’ll make sure the noise level is down.  Apparently Tim isn’t a fan of Armando’s loudness either.  His trick: ear plugs.  I keep thinking of that idea, but then I always forget.

This week, even though I haven’t written about it every single time, has been particularly full of self contemplation.  The past 3 months or so, my life has changed drastically from the one I had mapped out in my head.  I broke.  I cried.  I hurt.  I cried.  I questioned.  I cried.  I doubted.  I cried.  I’m healing.  I’m trying to figure out who I am.  I’m trying to figure out exactly who I want to be.  I’m trying to figure out how to get there.  I’m especially trying to change my way of thinking.  I spent far too much of my time being so pessimistic and negative.  And stubborn.  I don’t know if I can change the stubborn part, but I’m already trying to be optimistic.  I think I’m being more of a realist than an optimist, but I think that’s still an improvement.  

June 16

I have this thing where I don't like to hear loud things when I go to bed.  Armando is a loud thing.  Armando plus his two friends that are staying until I don't know when are loud X 2.  They left to go get beer, so it was quiet for a while, but then they came back, with no beer.  They asked if I would go get them some, but I said no because it was already 11 and I was in my PJs.  I don't understand how they always have beer here if none of them are 21.  And now they left to go I don't know where, but I'm not looking forward to their return.

And just a disclaimer, for this post and all previous posts, I've been trying to do a better job of it lately, but normally I write hastily and my writing is emotionally charged.  I write what I think is important at that moment, although it might not have played a huge role in the overall day.  Many things are left out, forgotten, or made a bigger deal than they really are because of my emotional state at that time.  I could easily go back and edit so that each post is a better depiction of the day as a whole, but I won't.  I don't want to ruin the integrity of the post.  If that's how I felt writing it, that's how it's going to stay, whether it's accurate or not.

Alrighty, so I woke up early, like 6:45, so I could get out to the Honda dealer at a decent time so they could work on my car.  Traffic sucked, so I didn't end up getting my car to them until 10.  Then, like a good big sister, I picked Emme up from her last day of school and even ran into Bre and her brothers.  It was really nice to see a familiar face.  After I managed my way through Ocean View traffic, we, and our dad, went out to lunch.  The rest of the afternoon was pretty uneventful until I picked my car up from the dealer and was finally able to get it smogged.  Then traffic coming home was terrible.

And I got to thinking again.  Unfortunately I was being retrospective and being a little hard on myself, however, it didn't last long and I was fully aware that I couldn't do anything to change the past no matter how hard I wish and try.  I was just thinking about how I wish things had ended differently between me and Erin and me and Katy.  With Erin especially.  I have better answers and responses for Katy and I wish I had a chance to try to give Erin some answers.  But it is what it is.  I had my chance and I missed it.

The rest of my time at the apartment consisted of listening to Tim try and teach one of Armando's friends how to play that game he's always playing, and surfing the internet.

So exciting.  And it's looking like I'm moving back home.  My dad and I talked about it today.  SUCKS.

June 15

Definitely almost forgot to post.
Because I've been having more trouble than usual falling asleep nowadays, I watched half of About a Boy and then ended up thinking.  And I cried.  It had been a while, but it happened.  I can't even really explain why it happened.  I wasn't beating myself up about anything and I wasn't thinking about anything that had previously happened.  I was mostly thinking about things that hadn't happened yet.  What might happen in the future.  I guess it happened because I got scared and a little sad thinking about different ways the future can unfold.  But I can't plan it.  I just have to let it happen.
Motive, as usual, consisted of food, facebook, and bitch work.  All the interns were complaining about it today.  It isn't fair to us.  And there are far too many of us.  That's why there's never any work to do.  It's dumb.  I'm only taking the internship for 1 unit, 45 hours, and since I've worked well over 45, I could just leave, but I won't.  But if I do, I can move home for the rest of the summer and it won't be an issue.  Hmmm...
And I spent more time looking into my living sitch today.  It's not looking good.  Realistically, I can't afford to live on my own.  It could happen, my family would help me out, but I don't want help.  If I'm going to be independent, I'm going to be independent.  I feel like I'm back at square one.  All this time, wasted.  I told my "roommates" today that if something wasn't set in stone by next Thursday, a week from when I'll be homeless, I was out.  I feel bad about potentially backing out and leaving them high and dry, but I definitely put in effort and they didn't run with it.  Karma?  But this time I really do have to look out for myself.  "Self preservation."

June 14

I ended up house hunting before I ended up on Netflix.  As always, it was a dead end.  Really though.  I’m stressing.  We essentially have 2 weeks to find somewhere to live.  If something doesn’t happen this week, I think I’m fending for myself.  I don’t want to have to sublease or move home.  Stressin’.  But watching March of the Penguins helped. 

It’s been 2 weeks and I don’t really know how I feel about it.  Some days it’s incredibly hard, other days I have no problem.  Today was hard.  Today felt like 2 weeks has been an eternity and that there’s no way I’ll make it 9 more.  I just need to take it one day at a time I guess.

I got a late start to the day and didn’t venture out until 7.  I lounged around for the most part and then went to go visit Tim and Maddie at Starbucks.  Tim had been in Wisconsin for a while, so it was good to see him again.  When I got back home, I surfed some design blogs, got some ideas for SPB stuff, since Blue and Orange Madness stuff needs to be done before school starts this year since it’s the 75 anniversary and all, and then I designed what I think I want my tattoo to be.  I was planning on waiting until the end of summer to figure out what I really want, but I think I’m already pretty set on it.  I would get it asap, but I still think I’ll wait until October or November as originally planned.  I can save up some money for it.  Now I just need to figure out what size I want it to be.  Exciting.

I miss so many people.

June 13

My sleep schedule is all out of whack.

I couldn't fall asleep last night, so naturally, waking up early to go for a run before my internship did not happen.  That's okay.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe not.

Motive went by really quick today.  Normally when I don't have stuff to do the 6 hours drag on and on, but not today.  As soon as I got there, all the other interns and I previewed Camp Whatabunchaphun which was really hard to sit through, but it probably would have been fine for the targeted 3-7 year olds.  It was cheap and cheesy.  Everyone took off to lunch after that, but since I hadn't done any work yet, I stayed in to try to be somewhat productive.  I was on problem solving duty, fixing the fax machine, getting fines recalled, and canceling services that we didn't need.  Then it was my turn to get lunch.  After everyone was back and settled, we previewed Pieces of a Dream.  It was definitely better, and had potential, but the music and some of the acting was bad.  And the amount of profanity used was a little much.  Kind of made me uncomfy.  Nobody had anything else for the interns to do, so we called it quits at 5 and took off.

I didn't mean to, but I knocked out as soon as I sat on my bed.  The next thing I knew, it was 9:15, dark, and Scout was asleep on my leg.  I spent the rest of the evening surfing around, I watched Secret Life and I probably will spend the rest of the night on Netflix.

June 12

I did very little besides lay in bed and watch things on Netflix today.  I did, however, venture out to Ralphs and to Starbucks for a little bit.  To my pleasant surprise, Chris was working, so we chatted for a bit.  Made my day.
Tim was home most of the day, but we kept to ourselves.  And when he doesn't think I'm home, he has conversations with Scout.  It's really cute.  Armando came home late, and went straight to bed, which was new, and Nico came home a little bit ago after being gone for a few days.
I'm currently not feeling so hot.  I'm ultra shakey and my back has been killing me all day.  Maybe I'll sleep it off.  Maybe I need to start eating regularly.

June 11

We fell asleep right away, only Daniel woke me up at who knows when and then we didn’t fall back asleep until after 4.  Oh, that boy.  I don’t know what I’m going to do about that one.  Scout woke us up this morning by talking up a storm, but I think she was just confused about the boy in my bed and why she didn’t have room to cuddle.  I really do like cuddling.  If I could have Daniel around just for that, I would.  No, nevermind.  I’d need more than that.

It was weird to wake up with Daniel and then, just an hour and a half later, get picked up by Chris to go to lunch.  I really wish the weather was better, but it was okay.  All last summer I had to wear sweatshirts and it’s looking like this one is going to be the same.  Kind of a bummer.  But lunch with Chris went really well.  I think it was a date.  He picked me up and paid, so I think that’s what it means.  And we were flirty.  But it was really really fun and I had a really nice time.  We ended up walking around 3^rd street until we stopped into Barney’s Beanery for lunch, we walked around some more, got some candy at Candy Baron, and then he took me home.  I wanted to gush about it all day, but living with boys really isn’t the ideal situation to do that.  So I napped instead.  And watched a few movies.

And I did some more thinking today, mainly about how I’ve been feeling.  Either I finally have enough drugs built up in my system or all that self exploration did something because I actually feel okay for the first time in a long time.  And it’s not just the butterflies from lunch talking.  I genuinely feel better.  My dad asked me the other day about how everything was going.  He asked if what was going on made sense, I said yes.  He asked if I learned/will learn something, I said yes.  He asked if it will make me stronger in the long run, I said yes.  And then he asked me if I already felt stronger.  I told him that I thought so, but after further thought, I know so.  I already feel so much stronger after going through this most recent hardship.  I think I’m going to be okay.

June 10

Today was pretty low key.

I slept in and woke up to the sweetest voicemail from my dad.  He was just saying how much he enjoyed spending time with me yesterday and how great it was seeing his two girls together.  Good way to start the day.

I pretty much just lounged around until 2:30 when I left to go run some errands and then go take some pictures of Laura and the rest of her soon-to-be sister-in-law’s bridal party over at Ralph’s beach.  I was in a few too.  Roomie shots.  Weird.  But we won’t be roommates if we don’t have a house to live in.  She said she’s starting to stress about it too.  Definitely an issue, not having a place to live after this month.

After the photo shoot, I pretty much just chillaxed with Scout back at the apartment until Daniel showed up.  Then we were off.  We got to the Music Box super early, but it was okay.  Wise Blood sucked, and so did sitting on the balcony, but Friendly Fires was awesome, and so was spending time with Daniel.  Only I was texting Chris for a good amount of time.  I kind of felt like I was cheating on Daniel, but not really since we aren't dating or anything like that.  After the concert we went to Roscoe’s for a late night dinner and then came back to the apartment where he got to meet the boys, minus Nico.  I haven’t seen him lately…

June 9

I'm too tired to be detailed tonight.  And I forgot a fun little bit of info yesterday.  I ran into Karen at Barnes and Noble and it was cute.
So today, I woke up late and then headed out to home to get my car looked at and smogged.  Traffic sucked, but I was texting Chris the whole time, so it was fine.  We're going to lunch on Saturday.  Date?  Maybe.  I didn't get to my dad's until 12ish, we went and got Emme out of school, to my car to the dealer, and then went to lunch.  My dad and I had some more big kid talks, but it wasn't anything bad.  I'm starting to like them actually.  We picked my car up, took it to get smogged, had some issue, went back to the dealer, and now I'll have to come down again so Honda can modify something in order to get it smogged.  Such a hassle.
I stopped by home on the way back to Malibu and ended up staying til 8.  My mom and I were just talking and spending time with the animals, but it was really nice.  I liked it.
I didn't so much when I got back to the apartment, so I don't know how it's already 12:30.  Strange.

June 8

Early start.
I woke up early so I could go to Kinkos, only the Kinkos Mapquest sent me to is now a GIANT pit.  Thankfully there was a Staples print and copy center near by.  I printed off my portfolio and then went to my interview.  I think it went well.  They aren't at all what I was expecting, but I'm still interested.  And it's run by past Waves, so I think my chances of getting it are pretty good.  We'll see.  It'd be nice.

Motive wasn't too exciting, except I stayed until 9 so I could watch a rough cut of a movie we might market.  It was really rough, but it was good.

I'm super tired, so I think I'm going to get ready for bed and turn in early.

More exploration:

I’ve been stuck in retrospect.  Looking back, figuring out how my life would be different, would be better, if I just did one thing differently.  One yes instead of no.  One push of a button, one phone call, one step, one word instead of another.  But I have to realize that I can’t go back and change anything.  What’s done is done.  The problem with being stuck in retrospect is that it cannot be done without pretty much abandoning the present and future.  And when I muck around back there and refuse to let anything end, even though I know in my heart that it ended and how, I’m cheating.  I’m not letting my life move forward.  I’m choosing not to let my life move on.  I’m choosing not to experience what fate has planned out for me.  I’m playing God.

My dad always tells me, “Give it up to God.  Give it up to the Universe,” like it says to do in The Secret.  And I have.  I’ve prayed, I’ve sent out what I want to the Universe, but things have hit rock bottom.  Conceding all control up to a higher power may work for some people, but I feel like feeling better, making things better, is my responsibility and I need to work for it.  I can’t just give that to something else to fix.  I’ve told myself over and over again that I need to fix things, that I need to get better, and others have told me, yet I’ve sat and let things get worse.  I feel like over the course of this year, I have hit rock bottom.  Driving the people away that were most important to me was the sign I needed that I really HAVE to get my act together.  “Everything happens for a reason.”  Now I see what the reason is.  It needed to happen in order to save myself.  I just hope that in saving myself I can save the relationships I’ve ruined.  I’m hopeful, but I’ll just have to accept it if it doesn’t work that way.

June 7

Nico left a little after Melanie did, but then Armando had a friend come over and they were being loud well into the early hours of the morning.  I wasn’t all that okay with it, but at least I didn’t have to wake up early.  I felt bad for Tim though.  He had class at 8.  Armando is just so loud. 

I woke up, struggled with the idea of being active, and then forced myself to go running.  It sucked since I hadn’t done any real physical activity since lacrosse, but whipping myself into shape should include my body too, not just my mind and emotions.

I spent most of the rest of the day lounging around the apartment, reading and surfing around online.  Around 6:30 I finally ventured out and went to Kinkos to print off a portfolio and resume for my Rock Square interview.  I was being kind of picky so I didn’t want to tell them to reprint and rebind my portfolio when then bound it on top of the pages instead of on the edge.  I’ll go back in the morning.  I probably shouldn’t take on an internship in the fall until I know I can handle it, but I think I’ll be able to handle it.  Especially if I drop COM 220 since I don’t need it.  But I have wanted to take it, so I probably should.  If Daum’s teaching it, I’ll take it.  If not, I’ll drop it.

When I came back to the apartment, the boys weren’t home, and neither was Scout.  I was freaking out.  For real.  I looked everywhere.  I went out on the balcony to see if maybe she was out there, but she wasn’t.  So I looked down.  There she was, calling back at me.  I ran outside, ran down the stairs, and ran out to where I saw here.  She ran to me and scooped her up and brought her inside.  I texted Tim and he seemed equally worried, he likes her and talks to her all the time, and he was upset when he got home.  We think it’s Nico’s fault.  He leaves the door open a lot.  Regardless, I’m really glad she’s okay.  She’s been stressing me out lately. 

I spent the rest of the evening looking for houses.  I’m really starting to stress about it.  There’s only one house that actually fits what we want and can afford, but it’s kind of far.  I drove by it today on my way home from Kinkos, and I don’t think I’m down.  And it was tucked away in a corner of a culdesac like some stepchild.  It sucks that I’m the only one looking.  Ashlyee and Laura aren’t doing anything and Caroline can’t.  It’s stressful and frustrating.  I wish I could just find something for myself at this point.  Maybe I should…

And every time my phone buzzes, I still hope it’s them.  It never is.  It probably won’t ever be.

Further exploration:

My box was built based on how I wanted other people to see me, on how I saw myself, at a certain place and time.  My box is a persona.  Outgrowing it has become painful and I feel helpless and ashamed that it’s come to this point.  I know its contours so well.  It’s been chafing and cutting off my circulation, killing me, but I’ve been too stuck to do anything about it.  Through unfortunate circumstances and heartbreak, I don’t really have a choice other than to finally break free.  To leave this box behind, once and for all.

My relationships between people that I care about and people I don’t are completely backwards.  For the people that are important to me, the ones I care about, I keep them the farthest away.  I do it to protect myself.  I figure if I don’t get too attached, I wont be so hurt when the get up and leave, just like everyone else.  But I always get attached.  I always care.  And I get hurt when they get up and leave.  The people that I don’t really care about are the people I’m most open with.  I don’t care about their opinions of me, so it’s easier to speak freely.  I feel I have a solid group of these types of people, and I love spending time with them and venting to them, but I wouldn’t consider any of them best friend material.  The people I keep away, push away, drive away, those are the people that I want to keep around.  It’s so stupid that I can see what I’m doing, and how it doesn’t work or make sense, yet I do it anyway.  And it seems like I don’t care about those important people, but I really really do.  I love them.  And it kills that they can’t see that and others can.  It kills that they don’t believe me.

June 6

I haven’t been sleeping all that well.  I haven’t had too much trouble falling asleep, but staying asleep has been an issue.  I’ve been waking up when people come home late at night and are loud, mostly Armando, but I’ve been waking up multiple times a night besides that too.  I don’t know what’s up.  Maybe it’s because this place isn’t home.

I woke up, showered, and then was off to Motive.  I spent the whole time going through Erin’s friends on facebook and updating her Blackberry.  It took FOREVER.  The whole time pretty much.  I started Friday, but didn’t get very far, so I had to get through the rest of them today.  Tedious.

When I came home, Nico and Tim were cooking, it looked like for something special, so I went and chillaxed with Scout in my room.  Then I heard Melanie come over.  It wasn’t a big deal until she started talking about the house.  It shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did.  Every day I regret my decisions, question my desires, and allow my emotions to run over my attempts at logic.  My weakness and cowardice are proven over and over again.  I’m tired of it.  I’m regretful and ashamed of what I’ve done.  Of what I didn’t do.

I spent the rest of the evening talking to Armando and looking for houses.  I’m starting to stress a little.  I thought Nico and Melanie had been long gone, but then they came back.  I thought about going back into my room, but it wasn’t worth it.  I need to grow up.  I shouldn’t be bitter.  Especially towards her.  She didn’t do anything.  And even if she did, she probably wouldn’t know it.  She seems kind of airy.  I need to be mature about this situation.

Continuation:

In high school, I became fast friends with Darlene, who I had gone to middle school with, but never knew.  I dropped the whole box act with her, and was open, but because of stupid, unnecessary drama, I ended up abandoned.  And hurt.  The box was back.  I didn’t see how being real was going to work.  So I just wasn’t.  I really felt trapped this time, and I didn’t see a way out.  I needed to escape, but I didn’t see any outlets.  That’s when I started cutting.  I thought literalizing the holes in my life would help somehow, but it didn’t.  I realized how stupid of an idea it was in the first place and stopped.  I made new friends, but I was never really open with them either.  I could see deep, strong relationships within that group of friends, but I wasn’t part of any of them.  Even with my new best one, Rebecca.  I still felt trapped and I still felt like I had no outlet.  That’s when I started getting high.  Smoking out seemed like progress.  I was able to loosen my grip on the world and everything seemed okay, if only for a short period of time.  It was an escape.  It was happiness that I could hold in my hand.  It wasn’t something I had to work for. It wasn’t something I had to earn.  It was satisfaction that I knew I could get my hands on.  When my real friends found out and confronted me about it, I stopped.  Until last year.  The opportunity fell into my lap, and needing an escape, needing an outlet besides the obvious one sitting on the other side of my room, I took it.

Junior year rolled around and I found myself completely enamored with Aaron.  We were friends, but developed into more than friends.  I let myself drop the box and was open with him.  It was refreshing and I thought I was in love.  Unfortunately, the relationship was short lived.  I was heartbroken.  Again, letting myself be open just left me hurt.  Senior year was full of bad choices and I was going down a bad path.  I became close with Kimi, but, like with Darlene, that friendship was short lived and I ended up hurt.  Again.  When the year was in it’s final stretch, the person who had meant the most to me over the past 4 years, Rebecca, finally realized that I was being fake with her too.  She got tired of me not being open with her.  She was finding out from other people, people who I wasn’t all that close with, things that I had done.  About who I was becoming.  She flat out told me that she couldn’t be friends with someone she didn’t know, and she didn’t know me.  I was heartbroken, again.  I apologized profusely, and I thought I fixed things, but it was never the same.  We aren’t nearly as close as were we before, which wasn’t all that much anyway.  She still has no clue who I am.

The story doesn’t get all that much different in college.  It’s been documented on the daily.  The only major change in this story is my way of thinking.  In high school, I didn’t start blaming myself until my fallout with Rebecca.  In college, that’s all I’ve done.  I blame myself, even when things are obviously not my fault.  I make them my fault.  I’ve internalized this idea that I’m a fuckup and that’s all I’ll ever be.  I think it started with feeling guilty that I could see myself not opening up.  I wanted to change, I wanted to be open, I wanted the walls to be brought down, I wanted to think I was a decent person, but I was stuck.  And in keeping those walls up, staying inside of my box, I drove the people that meant the most to me away.  The negative thoughts became habit.  I was/am stuck in this habit.  And doing nothing about it has got me more and more stuck, inching my way into misery.  Pushing people away stemmed from the idea that I was supposed to take care of myself.  That stemmed from watching my family internalize their own problems and deal with them privately.  It just got to this extreme, warped version where I thought I could take on the world by myself.  Where I thought I had to take on the world by myself.  I couldn’t.  I didn’t have to.  I can’t.

June 5

All day yesterday, and even today, my heart would stop whenever my phone would buzz, in anticipation that I might get one last chance.  That conversation was never had and I think that might be the end of it.  I’m not going to force something that isn’t wanted.  From my point of view, it wasn’t wanted.  I drove another one away.

I didn’t do a whole lot until the early evening when I went to school to catch up on some tv.  The internet connection was just too slow to do it at the apartment.  After I was all caught up, I hit up Starbucks from some free food and beverages, a free gallon of milk, and then came home to Scout and Tim, still playing his video game.

It smelled like rain out, and was starting to get misty, so I put a sweatshirt on and sat on the balcony.  It was cold, but I enjoyed it.  I was thinking again.  I was wracking my brain on how to get my point across that I care.  It was painful.  But I think it’s too late anyway.  I had plenty of opportunities, in the past, but I never took them.  I could look back and wish I had taken them, but it won’t make a difference.  I can’t change the past.  But I do care.  Whole heartedly, I do.  I don’t know if I should anymore, but I do.  And I probably always will.

Tim and I actually talked for the first time tonight.  Normally Nico and Armando do all the talking, but we bonded while cooking.  It was ten, but we were hungry, so we combined brain powers and made fried rice and hotdogs while listening to indie rock.  After our late night dinner we watched an episode of Archer, which was kind of vulgar, but funny, and then played with Scout for a bit.  It was a really enjoyable night.  I like living with boys I think.  They’re dirty and have empty beer bottles EVERYWHERE, but it’s okay.

Exploration continued:

In elementary school I was this short, tubby, tomboy who just so happened to be both a bully and teacher’s pet.  That all changed once I entered fifth grade and ended up sitting next to my arch nemesis, Doramarie.  I wasn’t the same person I had been before, besides the 5 inch growth spurt.  Dora and I became best friends.  She was my first real best friend.  We did everything together.  We told each other everything.  We were inseparable.  There was literally a 3 month period where we saw each other every single day.  I had never had a relationship like that with anyone before and I never wanted it to end.  And it wouldn’t because we were going to go to the same private middle school.  When it came time to enroll in school, I ended up going the public route instead.  We were separated.  I made a stupid conscious decision that I would never let anyone replace Dora and that I would never let anyone that close again.  That dumb decision messed me up.  Unfortunately, going to two different schools made it difficult to remain best friends.  I called frequently and tried to arrange time to hang out, but the effort wasn’t reciprocated and we lost touch.  It hurt to lose someone I was so close with.  I figured not allowing myself to be close to anyone would prevent that hurt from happening again.  Would prevent that feeling of abandonment.

So in middle school, I had friends, but I was never as close to them as I was with Doramarie.  I didn’t let myself.  Unknowingly, I put myself in a box.  I closed myself off from the world and I put up a façade.  I acted the way I thought others expected me to act, and in doing so, I lost myself.  I didn’t express my thoughts or feelings because I was kind of unknowingly raised not to do so.  But I let one person semi-close.  Alyssa.  But in 8^th grade, she made new friends.  I tried to remain close, but my efforts went unnoticed.  I was abandoned again.  I was hurt again.  So the walls went higher and they got thicker.

The day after my middle school career was over, a handful of soon-to-be freshman, including myself, had to be back at school around four o’clock in the morning for the eighth grade trip.  We would be gone for twelve days, in the Midwest, following Lewis and Clark’s trail.  Twelve days in a bus, driving through miles and miles of fields gives you hours upon hours of time to reflect.  Those hours allowed me to see what kind of person I had become.  I finally realized I had put myself in a box, shutting all others out, and became a big fake in the process.  It was then that I decided that starting high school would be the perfect opportunity to break free of the prison I had put myself in and I could finally be myself.  That idea sounded great and seemed easy enough, but I was wrong.  I could not remember who the real me was, and I was scared to try to remember.  

June 4

I haven’t cried myself to sleep over the past 4 nights.  Success!  I haven’t cried in 2 days.  Love it.  So last night, around 2:15, I was awakened by the sound of Nico, some other boy(s), and Erin and Katy’s roommates drunkenly stumbling into the apartment.  They were loud and I was worried about Scout, but I didn’t think it was my place to go out and say something.  I was tempted to send an angry text, but I was glad that I had erased a good amount of phone numbers and couldn’t.  I’m glad I planned ahead.  They finally went to bed, so I was able to fall back asleep around 4:30.  Not ideal.  This morning wasn’t all that different.  And apparently they let Scout outside and she got onto the neighbor’s balcony, but she came back.  I was worried.  For real though.  That’s my baby girl.  I don’t care if she’s just a cat.

I spent most of the afternoon with Maddie on 3^rd Street, but it wasn’t a very successful trip.  Maddie needed something to wear to a wedding, but only ended up getting shoes.  I wasn’t really looking for anything, and didn’t get anything, so that’s okay.  I was just there for support.  And to get out of the apartment.

The rest of the evening was pretty chill.  Scout and I napped together for a little bit and then I spent a few hours listening to music and talking with Tim and Nico.  Scout went on a 45 minute adventure going from balcony to balcony that I was not okay with, but she came back.  I was scared.  We ate dinner together, Nico went to some party, and Tim and I just chillaxed for the rest of the night.

To continue with my exploration of self and why I am stuck, I think I’m going to start at the very beginning and work my towards the present.  I already have it all written out, I had a lot of time on my hands today, but I think I’m going to break it into a few chunks.

My parents split up when I was 19 months old, too early to really know what was going on, so that’s really all I’ve ever known.  But I think that that has played a huge role in who I am today.  My mom worked a lot in order to support the two of us, so I was pretty much raised by my grandparents.  I saw my dad every other weekend, but he wasn’t around a whole lot.  I grew up in a not so great neighborhood in a not so great house, far away from school, so I never had any friends over and I was never able to go over to any of their houses.  I missed out on a childhood.  I was forced to grow up too early, but nobody really taught me how.  It was just expected of me.  But I’ve been mimicking adults ever since.  I don’t really know if I’ve been doing it right.  I think what forced me to grow up the most at that age was my mom’s financial issues.  It was normal to have the utilities shut off every month because the bill was late or couldn’t be paid.  It was normal not to have money for groceries.  It was normal to have to wait to get new clothes for school, even if I needed them.  So I just stopped asking.  I knew we couldn’t afford it.  My dad could help if we asked, but we didn’t want to have to ask.  And when I had my own money, my mom would ask me to help out, and I would, but I could tell that she felt awful.  It still happens on occasion, but she’s doing a lot better only having to support herself for the most part.

I don’t think it was my family’s plan to force me to grow up, but that’s what happened.  I don’t think they meant to not teach me the necessary skills, like communicating, but that’s what happened.  My family is made up of very proud individuals that do not like to talk about personal problems and do not like to ask for help.  I’m almost positive that’s influenced me.  But they don’t talk about their issues, they’re feelings, none of it.  I don’t talk about my issues, my feelings, none of it.  I was mimicking them and it ended up ruining me.  That’s not a functional communicating relationship, but that’s all I ever knew because my childhood was lost.  I didn’t have time to experiment with how relationships are built.  And my dad, who loves to hear himself speak, would tell me everything.  But I never spent enough time with him, so I didn’t really learn that skill.  And when I found out he was engaged, from a waitress, my trust in him was shattered.  If my family didn’t discuss important things with each other, with people that matter, why should I discuss important things with them?  So I didn’t.  And when I try now, it doesn’t seem to go over as well as it should.

Self exploration tbc...

June 3

I woke up early, ready to go, except I wasn’t ready to finish my essay for my COM final.  I whipped it up as quickly as I could, but it wasn’t any good.  I didn’t think my midterm essay was any good either, but I ended up getting a 50 out of 50 on it.  I don’t think I’ll be so lucky this time.  I do, however, feel pretty good about the test portion of the final.  Hopefully my grade won’t be too terrible.

I was done super early, so I headed to Santa Monica and hung out in Barnes and Noble for a while before getting my green tea latte and going over to Motive.  My day was long and consisted mostly of bitch work, but it wasn’t too bad.  And I went and had a sit down lunch for the first time.  Normally I go pick something up and bring it back to the office, but I decided to stay and eat this time.  It was nice.

When I got back to the apartment, the boys were sitting around talking, so I joined them.  It’s all very silly, living with boys.  They’re so different than girls.  My mom told be a while ago that I should live with boys this year, but I think she was kidding.  I should’ve looked into it.  I bet I would be more excited than I am now.  I’m not excited at all.  I kind of wish finding a single would have worked out.

Armando left to who knows where, Nico went clubbing, and Tim was playing his video game for forever, so I just went in my room to chillax.  I really wish the internet worked in my room.  It’s a shame that it doesn’t.  And it’s a shame that the connection is so slow.  But when you have a 180 degree view of the ocean, you probably shouldn’t be staring at your computer screen anyway.  The ocean sure is beautiful.  I wish I could stay in Malibu.  Living through the canyon won’t be so bad.  It’ll be warmer, so that’ll be nice.

While I was chillaxing, I started thinking.  I started thinking about how I’ve been stuck in this rut.  Stuck in this cycle.  Stuck in this funk.  But that’s just an excuse.  People are creatures of habit.  The more we think or do anything, the easier it becomes with time.  After a while, it’s second nature and we operate on auto pilot.  In my case, self-destructive thoughts have become second nature.  Also, training myself to only be concerned with my world has left me unaware of the worlds of others that I should be more concerned about.

I’ve stayed stuck because I am lazy.  By lazy, I mean my temptation to take it easy, let it slide, pull the covers over my head.  Denial is a kind of laziness.  Avoidance is another.  Change, coming unstuck, is strenuous.  Altering attitudes, routines, beliefs, goals.  Everything.  It takes work.  I’ve stayed stuck because I’m scared.  Coming unstuck is terrifying.  Coming unstuck means risk.  Exposure.  Trading the familiar for potential failure.  But I’ve been failing, so what’s to lose?  I’ve stayed stuck because I have no idea who I am and I don’t really want to know.  Coming unstuck requires facing who I am and the facts: whatever led me here and why.  Getting unstuck, becoming free, requires vitality, bravery, and enough honesty with myself, about myself, to change.  It can happen. 

I think a big part of me is stuck in the past.  I keep looking back and trying to find reasons for why I’m like how I am.  And I can pinpoint exact events that have, in my opinion caused me to act the way I do.  Have caused me to think the way I do.  But because I’m always looking back, always replaying past events, I don’t pay attention to the now.  I don’t pay attention to what’s going on around me.  That’s caused me to become self-centered and not pay mind to others that may have needed me.  Ignored.  Insulted.  Rejected.  Negated.  Erased.  And I cannot be more sorry. 

I think I know exactly where I want to go from here, but I’m already really tired and don’t want to force myself to stay up and try to be deep.  I’ll probably continue tomorrow.  Tonight will be night number 4.  Day 1, night 4.

June 2

I slept fairly well, except I woke up at 3:30 and was totally ready to start my day.  That was far too early, so I slept for another 4 hours.  Class was short and sweet, so before I went home, I swung by the apartment to unload some left over things that were still in my car.  It was such a beautiful morning in Malibu, I really didn’t want to leave.  But my drive home wasn’t bad at all, weather wise.  Thought wise, it wasn’t nearly as bad as the day before, but it wasn’t good either.  Again, I was blaming myself for everything.  And I was thinking a lot about the big talk yesterday.  I’m not happy with most of my responses and I’m not happy that I couldn’t respond to some points.  After I’ve stewed over it, I can answer them/give better answers.  But it’s too late.  I think it would have been too late regardless.  And then I started thinking about how, if I do get my act together, what difference would that make with the relationships I’ve already ruined?  Why should I get another chance?  I don’t deserve one.  I didn’t deserve all of the other chances given.  I messed up.  I wish I could take it all back and do it the right way.  Be the person I should have been from the start.  I wish I never hurt anybody, including myself.  I’ve hurt myself over and over again, but it absolutely kills me that I’ve hurt people that mean something to me.  I can never apologize enough.  I’m sorry for a lot of things, but most of all that I never had the courage to say that, no matter what happens next, I’ll never be anything but grateful for every moment I spent with them.  And even though I keep fumbling for the right words, all I really wanted to say was thank you.  I’ve lost too many important people.  No, I drove away too many important people.

My grandparents couldn’t have been happier to see me when I got to their house.  I loved it and it made me happy.  I missed them.  I showed them my car, my grandpa showed me all the new plants growing in the backyard, my grandma made us lunch, and it was great.  After lunch, my grandpa went to go hibernate, so my grandma and I fed some baby birds and then sat around talking.  She asked about school, about what I wanted to do after graduation, what some people from Ocean View, EWMS, and Cal were doing, and then I headed out after my grandpa woke up.

Home home was nice. I just hung out with my mom, Scout, and Diva mostly.  Scout wasn’t cool with Romeo, Rico wasn’t cool with Scout, but Scout and Diva got along great.  I thought it was silly.  I didn’t stay too long at home, so right around 3 I packed up and set out for Malibu.  Thoughts weren’t so much of an issue on that drive since Scout was being a pretty good distraction.  We made it back about an hour later and got settled in.  After an hour of sending emails, one of which was to confirm an interview for a fall graphic design internship that I asked about yesterday, and searching for houses, I decided to nap.  It was much needed.

After my nap, I watched Scout continue to explore the apartment, then we both made ourselves comfy in the living room.  It’s a shame I don’t have the internet in my room.  But I don’t have a view in there, so the watching the waves in the living room isn’t so bad.  Scout seemed to enjoy it.  Armando and Nico were gone, but Tim was around, playing some video game.  When he escaped his little world, we studied for COM together.  It was cute. 

June 1

Turning point?  I thought January 1 would be a turning point.  It was just a continuation of my downward spiral.  Just a day in my path to self-destruction.  Maybe June 1 will be my turning point.

For the first time in a while, I had no problem falling asleep.  I didn’t sleep well, but at least I wasn’t lying awake for hours before finally drifting off to sleep.  I woke up early, still 15 minutes late, and got ready to head out for school.  I said bye to everyone and then was on the road by 7:15.  Had I left at 7 like I originally planned, I would have made it to school on time.  Traffic was bad and my mind was racing 96% of the time.  The other 4% was devoted to listening to whatever song was playing.  I had lots of time to think due to the traffic, which meant lots of self-destructive thoughts.  It’s just so easy now.  I’ve become so good at it.  I can’t see how anything isn’t my fault.  I can’t see how I’m not the cause of every problem in my life.  And I hate that I can see exactly what I’m doing, and I know exactly how mad I’m going to get, but I can’t stop it.  It floods.  It’s become too strong of a force to control.  My negative thoughts are out of control.  I let them get that way and I’m so afraid that it might be too late to change it.  But I have to.  For my sanity, I have to.  I was 15 minutes late to school, but still in time for roll, and parked in a carpool spot.  As expected, there was a ticket on my windshield when I got out of class at 10:15.  However, the ticket was time stamped 12:36, so I could probably fight it if I wanted to.  But, as usual, I’m not going to fight.  I was knowingly in the wrong, so I’m going to pay the fine.  It’s only $40.

Motive was both entertaining and excruciatingly boring.  I had absolutely nothing to do, so I facebooked, applied to jobs/internships, looked for houses, read some music blogs, sent some e-mails, and didn’t work on my essay for COM.  I even looked into the therapist my dr. suggested.  I couldn’t find the business card, so I was freaking out a little bit, but I remembered the name, so Google saved the day.  I might call, I might not.  I probably should.  If I’m going to get better in any way, I’m going to need help.  I can’t do it on my own.  And I can’t just will the help to come.  I need to ask for it.  And then I’ll need to accept it.  I’m willing to put in the effort.  I can either waste away like I’ve been doing, or I can overcome whatever this is and actually start living for once.  For once I want to feel like I matter.  For once I want to feel like I’m worth something and not just this person that destroys everything important to them.  Not just a black hole.  Decision made.  I need to take action.  I need to fight.  For myself.  I’m done wallowing and feeling sorry for myself.  That’s stupid and is only making things worse.  I’m going to get better and I’m going to do whatever is needed of me.  Yes.  I’ve said it a million times before, but I’m for real this time.  I just need to convince myself that I’m for real this time…  It might have been because we were all crammed in one little area today, the conference room was off limits, but we, all the interns and Becca, were being silly.  Normally I’m pretty quiet and just do what I’m told and solve problems, but I had stuff to say today.  Because I had nothing to do, I peaced out early.

I stopped by CVS to fill my new scripts, but Hady and Tim were in the back of the parking lot, so I stopped by to talk to them first.  Before I said a word to Tim, before I was within 10 feet of him, he asked what was wrong.  As usual, I said “nothing,” but then he said, “no, something’s wrong.”  I wasn’t even totally aware that I was down, but I was.  Most definitely.  I fessed up and gave him an extremely brief overview and he just said he can see right through me and gave me a hug.  He was high, but I’m glad he could still tell and I’m glad he called me out.  He always does.  After CVS hooked me up, I went in to sbux to say hi to Maddie.  Jason was there too, and some new girl, Danielle.  I remember when she came in for her interview.  She didn’t know what a latte was.  And apparently Tim was mad at me after that weekend Daniel came to visit.  Tim should know that he’s been in the friend zone since the start and that’s not going to change.  Poor guy.  I really am a tease.  So this month will be interesting.

When all that was done, I went to go move in with boys.  Tim and Nico were home and helped me move in my stuff, and then we just sat around and talked for a while until our other roommate, Armando, came home.  Then we all started being silly.  I loved it.  Nico left to go line dancing, Armando disappeared into his room, Tim started doing COM homework, and I slipped away to shower and start on my COM homework.  I think this’ll work out just fine for the month.  My family has no clue.  They’d flip if they knew I was living with boys.  I just know it’s going to slip and my mom will find out.  I already almost had a texting mishap when she asked how I was settling in.  I have to be careful.