August 3

I had a panic attack last night thinking about what’s going to happen when school starts and I went into full blown catastrophe mode when I got my “reassurance” message.  My conscience was calling me a foolish romantic to think that I could just make things better, if only a little.  I made no difference.  I don’t regret my gesture since it made me happy, but I do feel foolish and embarrassed by it.  I really did think things would get better.  I was too late and I should have known.  I didn’t make a difference.  I might have made things worse.  I did irreparable damage and I don’t think there’s anything I can do to make it better.  I fucked everything up way too much and I just have to deal with the consequences, like losing friends.

I finally stopped crying around 3 and walked around the house saying “I’m okay I’m okay I’m okay,” but I wasn’t.  I was mad at myself.  I needed to get out of the house.  I needed to run away.  I needed a drink.  I needed to hide.  I needed my meds.  I needed to be okay.

I think I’m done.  I don’t want to be, but I don’t think it’s wise to keep trying where my efforts aren’t wanted/won’t do any good.  I can’t fight for something that isn’t there anymore.  Hope isn’t good enough, but at least I can really get on with things now.  At least I tried.  At least I proved how far, literally, I’ll go.  I really do have to start over this year.  I think I’m done blogging too.  It’s been a good run, but it’s caused more harm than good.  And if I need to say something, I should just say it.  No more writing to cyberspace where nobody reads it anyway.

August 2

I was more productive today.  I only spent half of the day on the couch and didn’t watch TV until 9.  I spent the majority working on stuff for the Board.  I am so stoked about it.  It’s a lot of work, but when I was working on my computer, I was just thinking about how much I enjoy doing what I was doing.  That’s great.  No downward spiral here.  And my meds weren’t ready, again, so I’m on day 2 of being un-medicated.  Nothing bad has happened yet.

August 1

I did absolutely nothing today besides sit on the couch, watch TV, and eat.  I feel gross about it.  However, I did venture out to pick up a prescription, but something was wrong, so they weren’t ready.  They should be ready tomorrow.  I guess I’ll just have to keep my fingers crossed that I won’t go into catastrophe mode tomorrow or spiral into the pits of depression.

July 31

I didn’t sleep too well on account that a certain cat woke me up every 2 hours to cuddle.  Cute, but unnecessary.  And the weird dreams continued.  I dreamt about graduation, only it was Cal’s, and I dreamt about a track meet/BOM.  Odd.

Today was extremely chill.  I spent most of it watching “Jersey Shore”, then I watched “The Next Food Network Star,” the “The Glee Project,” took a break to eat, watched “Keeping up with the Kardashians,” and then more of the Shore.  But I was also multi tasking.  I’ve been drawing up multiple concepts for the BOM logo and have been trying to get the just right, and I finally started doing them on the computer.  I didn’t just start, I finished.  I finished 3 designs and now I just need to see which one Courtney likes best and then I can finish with the rest of the promo stuff.  I’m actually really excited about it.  Now I just need to bust out 4 more poster designs plus a calendar before the 19^th and I’m set.

July 30

I cried myself to sleep last night.  I don’t really know why it happened, but I definitely didn’t try to stop it.  I needed to not be in my room, I needed to be in my car or on a drive, but getting out of the house wasn’t going to fly, so I stayed in bed and cried.  I ended up thinking of instances during this past year where I failed as a friend and that just fueled the fire burning within me.  I wasn’t beating myself up, I was just sad that those things had happened.  Quitting ran threw my head again.  It always runs through my head.  Quitting, running away, ignoring, they’re all coward moves.  I don’t want to be a coward anymore.  I’m not quitting.  There are multiple situations in which I need to figure out what I’m doing.  I think I’ve decided to walk away from one of them.  Not quit, but walk away.  I feel as though hanging on isn’t going to do me any good and isn’t wanted of me.  So I guess I’m done with that venture.

Today didn’t go the way I was expecting it to go.  I woke up late, but I really couldn’t help it.  I was up late, crying, and I didn’t want to wake up from the crazy dream I was having.  I figured since I was hanging out with Daniel later, I should actually get ready for the day.  After getting ready, I accidently fell asleep.  I woke up 2 hours later, at 2:30, when Daniel was supposed to pick me up, and got ready for adventuring.  2:30 was actually 4.  I was a little annoyed, but it wasn’t a big deal.  Daniel and I went to the MOCA to see the Art in the Streets exhibit, which I wasn’t in to, but he loved it.  Art museums aren’t really my thing.  I like history museums. 

After we got our fill of street art, we walked over to this ramen place that Daniel’s crazy about.  It wasn’t all that great and I was still hungry, but Daniel was happy and stuffed.  He wanted to go to Olvera Street afterwards, but because we couldn’t find parking, we headed towards home.  I thought he’d just drop me off, but he wasn’t ready to give me up, so we went to the movies and saw Thor.  Not nearly as good as Captain America, but still good.  I still can’t wait to see The Avengers.  I finally got home around 11, ate real food, and I don’t remember what else.

Good day.

July 29

I woke up early so I could get to Motive a little early.  I needed to send in my internship stuff to Ginger by noon, and couldn’t do it from home, so I really had no choice.  It wasn’t a big deal though.  Motive consisted of helping people with their computer problems, doing research, getting Perrier for Erin, and Facebook.  Typical.  But now I’m free.  No more Motive.

Traffic wasn’t too bad, but I thought, as usual.  I’m trying really hard to figure myself out.  I think I’ve figured out how I’ve been, and I didn’t like that person, so now I feel like I’m in this transition period until I figure out who I will be going forward.  I made 10 goals before going to college and I only remember half of them.  Out of those 5, I can still accomplish 3.  Learn how to play ukulele, learn how to surf, and be someone I’m proud of.  The only important one of the list was to be proud of who I am.  I’ve never been proud of myself.  I’ve been proud of my accomplishments and what I’ve done, but I’ve never been proud of myself as a person.  I looked at myself this way:  If I were someone else, I wouldn’t want to be my friend.  By the time I graduate, I want to be proud of who I am, who I’m becoming, and I want to be the type of person I would want to be friends with.  I have the potential to be a great friend.  I just need to actually be one for once.  No more glimpses of greatest.

I came home, took diva for a walk with her new, pretty, pink harness, and then worked on stuff for the Board.  I’m trying to convince myself that I can do this job well, but I just haven’t yet.  I could use a little ego boost, but I don’t want to turn into J-Roz.  Napoleon Complex + huge ego = never good.  The rest of the night consisted of watching hours of “Say Yes to the Dress.”  I can’t wait to get married.  I figure my cousin Tiff is next, and then it’ll be my turn.  I just need to find myself a fella.  How exciting.

July 28

Weird dream last night.  Scooby-Doo meets songfest meets cal meets go-carts meets I don’t know what.  So many people were in it.

I had big plans for today.  I was going to get a lot done.  Scout woke me up at 6, I went back to sleep, I woke up at 10 and then I got ready for my day.  Unfortunately, Lisa was still asleep, or at least still locked up in her room.  Normally that wouldn’t be a problem at all, only this time she was parked behind me in the driveway.  So I couldn’t go anywhere.  I had places to go and things to do.  I was trapped.  She finally left around 1, but that meant my plan of getting to the beach around 11 was definitely not happening.

Most of my afternoon was spent driving.  I drove an hour to Malibu, but the time and distance didn’t really matter.  My mood instantly got better as soon as I hit PCH and I could smell the ocean air.  I told my mom that we should move there, half kidding, and she said we could if I really wanted to.  I want to, but I know better.  We can’t afford it.  We can barely afford our little house.  She’s been promising me for years that we’ll move, that the house will be put together, that we’ll go on vacation, but none of it ever happens.  I’ve learned not to believe her anymore.  It’s unfortunate.  My dad’s full of empty promises, too.  Anyway, Malibu was great and I stopped by school to pick up a Cal Arts info packet, my Ellie tickets, and some checks, and then took care of some stuff at the employment office.  I swung by Starbucks on my way home, but the only cars I recognized were Amber’s and Cynthia’s, so I ended up not going in. 

Even though I left Malibu fairly early, traffic was still gross and took me about 2 hours to get home.  I didn’t do too much thinking, mostly singing, but some stray thoughts about effort did run through my brain.  Before going home, I stopped by the Verizon store to check out some phones finally.  There are 2 that I like, so my mom was going to go in and talk to them about upgrading one of our phones and doing the ol’ switcheru with the numbers.

I did some work for the Board when I got home, took care of some emails, and then just hung out with my mom for the rest of the evening.