April 29

I'm not really sleepy, but I should really try to get to bed soon. I have work in the morning.

I had a few unsettling dreams and I woke up after each one. I dreamt about Jason from middle school, and how he asked me to his homecoming. I dreamt about being in a car accident. And I dreamt that I came home and all of Katy's ish was in boxes. I'm sure that one will happen fairly soon. Especially since they get their house in a week. That must be real exciting for them. I remember how excited I was about getting this house. I was even more excited thinking about how great everything was going to be between Erin and Katy and I. I fucked that one up.

Anyway, Erin left for yoga, Katy left to spend the day with her mom and her aunt, and I got ready for work. Erin came home as I was getting ready and I told her that I needed to talk to her today. I had been trying to all week, so actually telling her that I had stuff to say was a good step I think.

I stopped by the bank to wire my last month's rent and then went to work. It wasn't miserable at first, but the busier it got, the more rude people came in, and the more my back started to hurt, the more I grew tired and angry. I am so over that job. Part of my want to just quit now, but another part is saying to stick with the plan and just work through May. But now there's a new twist. My car sitch. I've been paying for my housing and school, so why shouldn't I have to pay for my car too. But in order to do that, I need money. And in order to have money, I need to work. I have a job that pays well, so I might as well keep it. My mom said not to worry about that and to just quit, but I don't know. I really don't like my job, but I feel like the responsible thing to is to keep working. I'll figure it out.

I came home when Katy's mom and aunt were leaving and Katy was getting ready to leave. I tried to be nice, but I was in a shitty mood from work and I was in pain, so I just got in the shower without saying too much. But she said that her day was really good, so that was nice. I'm glad her day went well.

When I got out I thought about going to Caroline's brother's show, but I was too tired and my back still hurt really bad. I ended up just laying on my bed and watching TV. I was really hoping Erin would come home, but she never did. Katy did about an hour ago, and I asked about her day, and it sounded like a great day, but she didn't ask about mine. I would have loved to have vented. I've needed to vent for days. For weeks. For months. For years.

I'm going to try my best to fall asleep quickly and not implode.

April 28

I kinda sorta slept in this morning, so that was nice. Katy left to go somewhere, I showered and intended on going to the beach or pool, and one of Erin and Katy's roommates came over to store a couch. I stayed up in my room with Scout until they left. So bitter. Especially this week. I ended up going to the pool for around 2 hours and came back when it started to get breezy.

I spent the rest of the afternoon surfing around online, "studying," and reading over some Motive stuff. Not super exciting, but it sufficed for my afternoon. I left the house around 4 to check my work schedule and to grab a bottle of Asti to celebrate being done with school. My final at 6 was done by 6:13 and then I came home for a quick sec.

I talked to my mom for a few minutes and intended on talking to Erin, still, but didn't. And then I got really mad at myself and started thinking about a million things and got overwhelmed and cried for like half an hour before going to the LAX dinner that I tried to plan. It failed. It was me, Elizabeth, and Frigo. Then like half an hour later, Jessie showed up, but didn't get anything. It was nice, but it wasn't what I had hoped for. After driving Frigo back to school, I headed over to the Stinkies to spend some time with Caroline and Rufus. We opened the Asti and watched some quality programming on E! until I left around 12:30.

Again, I was hoping to talk to Erin when I got home, but that didn't happen. After walking in to a brownie scented kitchen with an empty bottle of wine on the counter, I immediately knew my plan was foiled. Brittni was asleep on the couch and Katy and Erin were sitting there chatting. Katy took Brittni back to school and I went up to talk to Erin, but there was no point. She was drunk and tired. We're never going to talk. I don't even want to have that conversation. I just wanted to vent about how I've been feeling this week. I would vent to Katy, but I feel like the last time I wanted to, I failed and kind of got in trouble. I don't think I've earned venting time with Katy. Or Erin for that matter. So I'll just deal with it myself and self-implode like I always do. Real healthy. I'm great.

April 27

I woke up at 6:30 this morning because Katy woke up at 6:30 and I tried really hard to fall back asleep, but it took forever. Then I woke up to her yelling at her boss on the phone. Probably not the best idea to yell at her boss, but she definitely deserved it. Katy works so hard and her boss is completely irresponsible and isn't appreciative of everything Katy does for her business. I'm kind of glad she did it and I think she is too. I hope everything works out.

I spent the rest of the day working on my portfolio and studying for my COM final. To my surprise, I didn't receive any phone calls from my family or my insurance. It was a nice change of pace.

Before I knew it, my final rolled around. It was much more difficult than I was expecting it to be, but I also should've studied more/harder. After I finished, I headed over to Ralphs to pick up some things and then came home to lie down. My back was killing me. It was probably a combination of the tunnel adventure and my accident. I was hoping just Erin would be home so I could try talking to her again, but Katy was home too. Not a big deal. I just didn't end up talking. We were all pretty hungry, so I suggested we go out to dinner. I can't remember the last time that happened. I think it was when we went to BJs in the beginning of the semester. I really miss Family Dinners, but we haven't been a family in a long time. Dinner was nice, I felt a little awkward, but I don't think I really had a reason to.

After we got home, I finished up my portfolio, Erin went to Josh's I think, and Katy watched some TV until it was time to make Rice Krispie Treats. Finals week tradition. I just don't know if we'll do it next year. I just asked Katy and she said, "Mhmm. It's tradition." I'm just not so sure it'll work out that way. I hope it does. I'm just still really scared about how things are going to turn out next year. And Erin asked my about my housing plans yesterday, so I told her, and I'm sure she told Katy, but I still haven't said anything. I can't help but to feel guilty about it. But I mean, she hasn't asked, she hasn't volunteered any information about her living sitch, so I'm not going to say anything. And I don't want to hear about her living sitch, so why would she want to hear about mine? Because she's not the bitter one...

April 26

I had planned on getting my portfolio done, but that didn't really work out.

I had no finals today, so I figured I'd be productive, but there were so many phone calls about my car accident, that I just couldn't get a decent amount of time in to do anything.

I was able to pick up a rental car though, so that was a positive. It was a little scary driving at first, and I notice I was more cautious than usual, but I'm thinking I'll get more comfortable the more I drive. Then I went to get checked out by the doctor. I have mild whiplash and I should be fine in 4-6 weeks. That's kind of a long time, but whatever.

I cried so much about everything. I'm just really overwhelmed and stressed with the car ish and it's brought back a lot of feelings I had been trying to suppress. I tried talking to Erin about everything, but every time I would go into her room to ask if we could talk, I would chicken out. Then I ended up just getting mad at myself. Katy didn't have the greatest day, so I wasn't about to ask her to listen to what I had to say. I don't think she would have wanted to. I don't think she had the energy for me.

Thankfully, I got invited to go on an adventure with some Songfest people. It was probably a bad idea since my back and my neck were sore, but I met them at school to venture through the tunnels. I had heard about them and had always wanted to go, but never did. We had a big group, and it was a good one, so I'm really glad I went. I didn't really know what to expect, but essentially, it's just a big drainage pipe that runs underneath the school. Then there's the water slide. Yes, a water slide. The pipe is too wet and too steep to walk down, so you have to slide. It was so scary, dangerous, and awesome. Everyone was drenched afterwards and a little bloody. Ryan got the worst of it and cut a good chunk out of his elbow. Once we got past that, we needed to climb out over this wall. Thank goodness we had strong boys with us, or else we wouldn't have been able to get out. I almost fell into this river thing, but thankfully Jordan and Andrew were able to pull me up. Then we needed to climb through the bluffs which was also scary and difficult. Finally, we had to run across PCH to Alumni and get back to Lovernich without anyone getting caught by DPS. Tyler let me borrow some clothes, I said my goodbyes to the freshies, Tyler took Ryan to the hospital to get stitches, and I went home.

Intense. Well worth it though.

April 25

What happened last night after I left the house...

I got into my car, contemplated just staying there, but I left to go on a drive instead. I was driving south on pch in the right lane, noticed there was a police car stopped in the right lane, switched into the left lane, and continued to drive under the speed limit towards school. Without ANY warning, the police car cut me off and stopped. I slammed on my brakes, but it was already too late. I hit them. Hard. The police came over and asked if I was okay, said I did nothing wrong, and said it was their fault for stopping in front of me. I was in shock. This was at 12:15. We moved over to the shoulder, a whole bunch of other cops came, and I was asked to tell my story a million times. Finally the tow truck came, I was asked some more questions, and the police drove me home. Quite a way to start off finals week.

I couldn't fall asleep, so I started thinking. I thought about how I was out driving. I was out driving because I couldn't stay in the house. I couldn't stay in the house because I would have continued to hyperventilate if I did. I was hyperventilating because I could hear Erin and Katy talking about housing stuff. That bothered me because I'm still extremely hurt about the whole not living together thing. We're not living together because I'm not good enough. We're not living together because they're done with me. We're not living together because I'm not the person they wanted me to be. We're not living together because I fucked up. We're not living together because I ruined this year for them. So really, it was my fault I was out driving and got in an accident.

I didn't sleep well at all. I had several dreams about being in a car accident and woke up each time. Katy woke up 6 minutes before her final, I woke up when she did and I wasn't able to fall back asleep. I got ready and went to Starbucks with Erin and then she took me to school for my final. It was a dumb art presentation and I was out at 11:15. I called my parents and they had a million questions and concerns, but it wasn't too much to handle. I was still really shaken and talking about it just made me sad and emotional, but it was okay. I pretty much just sat around for another hour and a half freaking out a little bit and crying about everything. Then Dimler showed up. "Hey, Feener! How are you?" "Not so good." And then the tears started flowing. I told her what happened last night and then she said, "I know some gossip that might make you feel better. Mary isn't living with Katy and Erin anymore." I knew that. That's why I left. It didn't make me feel better. Then she asked how I was handling that whole ish. I told her I wasn't handling it well, that I had talked through some things with Katy and thought we'd be okay, but hadn't talked to Erin and didn't think I would since I feel like she's given up on me. Then Dimler said some things about Erin and Katy that didn't quite sit right with me. I thought they were all friends. But it's Dimler we're talking about. Then Erin came over and I felt awkward and Laura kept trying to get me to tell Erin how I felt. No way was I composed enough to do that and I especially wasn't going to do that in front of Dimler.

I was really hoping to get home asap, but we had to buy some people food, so it took a while. After we got home, my dad came and dropped off stuff that was in my car, we talked for a few minutes, and then I came inside to take a nap. I tried being productive when I woke up, and I kind of was, but not as productive as I would have liked. But it's okay.

I watched some TV, surfed around, and now I'm writing this. Erin came home not too long ago and Katy's been in there talking to her ever since she got out of the shower. I wish I could have conversations like they have with someone one day. I hate that that hasn't happened for me yet. I hate that I haven't let that happen yet. I have my headphones in so I won't hear what's going on. It's not like I can leave if I hear something I don't like.

No fun finals week activities tonight. I have a feeling this last finals week is going to continue to suck. I mentioned to Katy that this was our last one, because essentially it is, but she said that we have 2 left. Yes, we do have 2 finals weeks left, but we won't be together. She'll be with her roommates and I'll probably be with mine. I'm not going to feel comfortable going to spend time at her house. I don't think I ever will. I was thinking about that too. I was thinking about the possibility of being invited to do something for Erin's birthday and even Katy's birthday or just invited to go do anything, to go anywhere. I'm not going to want to spend time with their roommates. I just can't. It'll be too awkward. I just rather not put myself through that. I'm sure I'll miss out on a lot, but I won't put myself through that torture.

a post that i forgot about from May 21, 2006. "[as i sit here in front of the computer], i reaLize what the most important thing in life is. the one thing that makes you happy, the thing that without we wouLd die. the one thing everyone shouLd have. no, it is not love, but friendship. 'true friendship, unLike love, aLways lasts forever.' aLL our lives we search for someone to love, someone who makes us compLete. we choose partners and change partners. we dance to a song of heartbreaka nd hope, all the whiLe wondering if somewhere and somehow there is someone searching for us. when reaLLy the peopLe we need most are standing right beside us. 'friendship is everlasting love.' something that wiLL aLways be there. materiaL things cannot make the souL feeL compLete. onLy the love, trust, and loyaLty of friends can do that. so this bLog, i dedicate to you. my friends, new and oLd."

April 24

It was Easter, but it really didn't feel like Easter. I'm always at my grandparents' for Easter, and I was stuck in Malibu this year. Don't get me wrong, Malibu is great, but not when Malibu is synonymous with working at Starbucks with Amariah the whole time. At first it was me, Hady, and Jason, which wasn't too bad, except there was an extremely busy rush when Jason was on his lunch. Amariah was around, but she was in the back the entire time. Then Hady left and it was just me and Amariah. Something was up today because she was talking to everyone but me. I didn't get it. When Jason came back from his lunch at 3, I was finally able to go on a break. When Jason left, Yeltsin, Maddie, and Jessie showed up, but by that time, I was already leaving.

Before I went home, I stopped by Ralphs to get some things for Katy. She wasn't feeling too well, so I got her everything I could think of that would possibly make her feel better. I hate it when she's sick. I just want her to be okay and most of the time I feel like I can't do anything about it. I hate that too. But I think I helped a little. I don't know.

When I came home, I showered and intended on finishing up my art final and working on my graphics final, but that didn't happen. I fell asleep instead. I think it was to catch up from waking up early the day before. I woke up around 7 and then finished up my art final. By the time I was done, I wasn't really in the mood to do anything else, so I went to breakfast at school instead. I met up with Stephanie, Olivia, and some of their suite mates to grub. I saw a few other friends and chatted with them for a while, so that was nice too. I'm going to miss those freshies next year. It's a shame they're leaving... only not since I'm sure they'll have an amazing time abroad.

When I came home I was talking to Erin for a bit until she got a phone call. From what it sounds like, Mary isn't living with them anymore and she told whoever she was talking to to ask around to see if anyone needed a place to live. Thanks, Erin. I don't need a place to live, but I haven't told her that. And even if I had recently blatently expressed that I was still without a place to live, I seriously doubt that I'd be considered an option as another roommate. That sucks, but I get it. Erin's over it. I blew it this year. I'm not even good enough to be a replacement. But even if she did ask, I'd say no. I don't want to be a replacement. And now she and Katy are talking about it... and they're moving in May 6th. Got it. I'm leaving.

April 23

So yesterday... I didn't do much of anything before going to work at noon. And work wasn't too bad. Only it kind of was. I'm just so over it. The whole time I was working I was thinking about how tired I was working there. It's kind of a bummer.

After work I just kind of sat around until 10ish when Stephanie told me they were going to a party and that I should go. So I did. It was more of a kickback than a party, but it was still fun. And after Steph and Olivia had a few drinks in them, they started campaigning to get me to go to formal. I was totally fine not going until Katy brought it up last weekend. I got excited and thought for sure I'd be going. Not the case. We only stayed til around 1 and I ended up driving Ryan back to the stinkies because he was in no condition to go back to school. Poor kid. He drank too much, tried to get Olivia and I to blaze with him, and then ended up getting sick.

Today... Every time I drink, I always wake up rearing to go way earlier than I should. I woke up around 8:30 this morning and got ready for my day. I ended up going to school for a little bit to work on some stuff and then I took Stephanie to buy some Bicardi. Silly. Turns out some of the petitioning paid off. There was a Tau that wasn't going to formal, but said I could go and say that I was his date. So we got excited and I got the bright idea that I was going to crash ATO formal. It was gonna happen. That was my plan all the way up until around 1:45 when it really hit me that this plan was terrible. So I came home and worked on my art project.

Katy and Brittni were getting ready by the time I got home, so I settled downstairs and got to work. Erin came home pretty soon after and ended up helping them get ready too. Cute. Erin asked if I wanted to go with her to take pictures, but I declined. I figured I'd get mopey and that's probably not what she or Katy wanted to deal with. So I stayed home. But Katy and Brittni looked really pretty and Erin's pictures came out well.

I was determined to finish my project, and I did, and I was able to throw in a Mal Yo break. I originally wanted to go to Diddy's, and I asked Erin if she wanted to go, but she suggested we go to Mal Yo instead. That worked. We had just missed the free yogurt, which we both forgot about, and I got to see Veronica and Nathan from the Board. I like how we just met the other day, but we're already on the hugging level. It's great. It's going to be a great group. Anyway, so Erin and I ate our yogurt, chatted a little bit about marriage on the way home, and then went our separate ways for the evening. I hope it wasn't too miserable of a trip. I thought it went really well. I also thought about bringing up our conversation that has yet to be had, but I was so focused on getting my work done, that I didn't. I half think I should just drop it since it's already been almost 5 weeks, but the other half still thinks it's important and is crucial for what's left of our friendship. Maybe some other time.

I spent the rest of the evening watching SNL and now I'm off to bed.

April 22

Last minute decision. I'm going out tonight.

April 21

Because I chose sleep over writing my paper, I woke up at 4:15 to shower and get as much work done as possible. I was able to get 6 pages in before going to class, which was a waste. I was able to finish by noon and I was hoping to have lunch with Erin, but that didn't happen. We haven't had lunch together since I think the afternoon of the day I found out I was shafted. I was thinking that since this would be our last opportunity, it'd be nice to at least pretend we're friends. But then again, Erin said she's miserable around me, and I don't want her to be miserable. So I guess it worked out for the best.

Graphics wasn't anything special, but there were donut holes. That was a nice surprise. After class I met up with JRoz in the SPB office to go over my duties and I got to play with the computer a little bit. I'm excited about it. And I chatted with Veronica and Mimi on my way out, so that was a little bonus too.

I should've napped when I got home, but I didn't. I just kind of sat around instead. Class was short and meaningless and I got home in time to watch all my NBC shows. I had a gap of time between when I got home and when my shows started, so as I walked into the house I was determined to finally have that conversation with Erin, but when I poked my head into her room, she looked so exhausted and I couldn't do it. That conversation is probably never going to be had. I think it's too late for it now anyway. I blew it. But Erin gave up.

I've spent the last hour transferring blog posts and I think I'm almost done. I'm going backwards, so tomorrow I'm starting from January of senior year back to whenever I started blogging, which I think was in September. I don't even remember.

There are an incredible amount of things that I'm extremely unsure about as far as next year goes, but I want to be positive about it. I want to be excited. I'm just also really scared. Things have the potential to great, or they can stay the way they are or get worse. I really don't know. I don't like not knowing things. I want to know that things are going to be happy and good. I really need next year to be happy and good. I can't take another year of fighting. I can't take another year of drowning. I was drowning this year and I broke down constantly because of it and it cost me my 2 best friends. I can't keep losing people. I can't keep pushing people away. I need things to be great.

April 20

I woke up earlier than I had really wanted to to go to some leadership breakfast thing. I got to sit with the new members of the Board and I think we're going to work really well together. I already love Veronica, the publicity chair, which is great since our positions go hand in hand. It's going to be a great year.

Then I went to my last convo. Nothing special.

Then Ripboard met with the new Kevin, Katharine. She's young and eager and has lots of ideas for Riptide. I think I'm excited about that too.

After that, I went up to the CCB and did some homework and then wasted time until class.

Class wasn't anything special, but Sloan was being silly and making everyone laugh. So that was cool.

I came home around 5, Katy and I got ready for the concert, and then headed out about an hour later. We hit up Bui Sushi for dinner and then made our way to the venue. We didn't get super close to the stage, but I don't think it really mattered. The Knocks were great and of course, Ellie was great too. I want to be her friend. Furreal.

I have an 8 page paper to write, but I'm tired and am just going to write it in the morning.

April 19

Today was good for recharging, but I didn't get anything done, so now I'm going to be up all night tomorrow. Whatevs. Wednesday's are normally all nighters.

I didn't get out of the house until 1, then I went to go watch a trial at the airport courthouse for my law paper that's due Thursday. I'm going to have to BS for sure. I need to write it tomorrow.

Then I stopped by the mall real quick, then I came home and caught up on TV. I spent the rest of the evening transferring 6 months worth of blog postings from myspace over to this blog. It took me a while, and I'm not done, but at least I got started on it. It should've happened a long time ago.

And apparently I got the internship at Motive. I got an email at 10 saying welcome and they'll send me paperwork asap. I was expecting a phone call offering me a position, but okay. What if another internship comes around? A better one? Like one at MTV? Then what?

But if I keep this one, I think I can still go to summer school. I have to check on that one. And I'll have to stay out here, so I'll have to fine someone to stay with for a month.

Stressful.

April 18

I woke up a little later than I had intended, but it worked out just fine. My first class was cancelled, so I trekked back down to my car and hit up sbux and chatted with Claudia before coming home to watch The Brothers Bloom and to hang out with Scout. I got back to school around 12:30 and I thought about asking Erin if she wanted to do lunch, but we haven't in so long, I figured it'd be weird and feel forced. I don't want her to continue being miserable around me, so I intended on eating by myself. Fortunately, I ran into Claudia again, so she kept my company before I left for class. It wasn't a complete waste this time. Zurzolo gave everyone advise about graduating and then everyone went around talking about their plans after college. It was a little weird being the only one in the class that isn't a senior. COM went long with presentations, but we still got out a little early. One group still needs to go though.

I came home for a little bit and then went to work. Work went by really quickly. I think it was because I was in the back most of the time doing dishes. I hate doing dishes, but nobody ever does them, so I feel like it's my responsibility. We got out right on time, I came home, showered, surfed around, looked for houses, and now I'm going to go to bed.

I'm not sure what I'm doing tomorrow yet.

April 17

I slept in a little and then my mom and I started getting ready for the day.

We got to my granparents' house at 1:30 and then everyone set out for San Manuel for my grandma's birthday. She was stoked and I was kind of excited about it too, but my excitement was short lived. As soon as we walked in, I got a headache from the smell of cigarette smoke and all the bells and whistles of the machines going off. And I was watching everyone lose money, so I didn't want to waste my money in those paper shredders. We all met up at 4:15 for the buffet and then stayed until 6:30. I wanted to be back in Whittier by 6 for Caroline's birthday dinner at Spruzzo at 7, but that obviously didn't happen. I didn't have the greatest time, but I least I got to keep my money and my grandma was happy.

I spent a lot of time thinking on my way back to Malibu. And this weekend in general. Deep stuff. Real introspective. I think this summer and the upcoming year are going to be greatly influential on who I end up becoming and being for the rest of my life. I just hope they'll be influential in a positive way. I don't want to crash and burn.

I got home around 9, chatted with Katy here and there up until now, and now I'm going to bed.

April 16

i woke up early to go get a haircut out in brea, and since i went to bed late, it sucked a little bit. but now my head feels so much better. worth it. i hit up the local starbucks and then went to watch my sister play soccer. it's amazing how my dad hasn't changed. he's still obnoxiously loud at games and yells criticisms. that's why i stopped playing. it wasn't fun because my dad got too into it. and not to bash on my sister or anything, but i showed more potential at her age and i didn't get any of the perks shes getting. shes has all the best gear, is on a club team, and goes to special practices. but it doesn't matter now. i quit and am no longer a soccer stud.

after the game i went with the fam bam to lunch in fullerton and then went home and had a big kid talk with my dad about school and finances. he's going to start helping out with gas money. it isn't tuition, but that little bit will definitely help. after the talk, i watched a movie with my dad and emme for a while before heading to the mall. i wasnt very successful, but i ended up ordering stuff when i got home. after the mall, i stopped by my grandparents' house and then went home and had dinner with my mom and watched tv for the rest of the evening.

April 15

It's late and I'm tired, so I'm cheating.

I went to convo #13.

I had my interview at Motive and was told that I'm cute.

Attempted to watch a trial.

Came back home and sat out by the pool.

Came back inside with every intention to finally talk to Erin.

Changed my mind after Erin said she was in a crabby mood.

Caught up on tv.

Left for home.

Picked up my paycheck.

Got home and watched movies and had dinner with my mom.

And now I'm in bed and I have to wake up in 5 hours.

April 14

What even happened today?

I really needed to fall asleep as soon as I got to bed, but because Katy and I just had a text convo about me whining about my life, I couldn't. I had too much on my mind and I was too mad at myself. I just wish I was a better person. And I wish Katy knew how appreciative I am of her patience and effort with me. It takes a strong person to do that, and she's amazing. I'm so grateful that she's in my life. I wish I could pay her pack for everything she's done for me.

I woke up early to finish up some homework and to print things out, then I got the email that the homework I stayed up late working on wasn't due until the next day. That sucked, but whatever. At least it was done. Class was long, but I got through it.

I came home, chillaxed and watched Secret Life, and then got ready for my interview with Concord. The drive sucked, but it seems like it would be a cool internship. I think the interview went well, so we'll see.

I came home, watched Chuck and sent some emails, and then went to MSCO. I still haven't learned anything. But supposedly our final is going to one of the shortest ones we'll take at Pepperdine, which is nice considering it's on the last day, during the last time slot.

I came home, did some laundry, did some email correspondence, and caught up on TV. Kind of productive night. I didn't cry tonight, but I did cry on my way home from my interview. I just have lots of things that I'm keeping inside that are trying to get out. I need to let them out. I need to vent. I need to see Dave next week.

And I decided that I'm going home for the weekend, which means I won't have the chance to talk to Erin. It'll be 4 weeks on Monday since my world changed. If we haven't talked through things by now, we aren't going to. I want to, but I don't think she does, and I guess that's okay. I can live with it. I have to live with it. I have to learn to deal with things I don't like. That's how life works.

April 13

Wow. So much happened today. It's unreal.

I didn't wake up in time for convo, but that's okay I think. I should be able to get my 14 in.

I headed to school to work on homework before my meeting and was able to get a lot of stuff done. Good. My presentation for COM went well, so that was good too. Then I found out I got the Graphic Design Chair position, Caroline sent me an email from a girl asking for a third roommate, and I got an email about interviewing for MTV. Lots of good things are happening this week, and I should be happy and excited, but I'm not. I have too much weighing down on my brain and my heart to be happy.

I went to convo, came home, cried in the garage for a while, then came in to try and do some art homework. It didn't really happen. Erin and Katy left to who knows where, I think it had to do with housing ish, and then I got really really sad and left. I needed someone to talk to, so I asked Katy if she'd listen, but she said she wasn't up for it. I came home, got to work on my graphics homework and then texted Katy for a while. I have been a terrible friend to her and I'm so scared that we aren't going to be friends next year. That would ruin everything. 3 years wasted.

April 12

I'm real dizzy for some reason. I don't know what's up. I think it's because I'm breathing funny. My chest feels heavy. I think it's because I'm overwhelmed and because the hypothetical plans I had for Tuesday just crashed and burned. But they weren't set in stone, so I really shouldn't be bent out of shape at all. Except I am. I think the real reason I'm bent out of shape is because Erin and Katy are going out, and I wasn't invited. Erin asked me as a side comment, but it didn't feel genuine. I'm not invited. Again. But it's okay. I'll have work and homework that day, I'm sure. No big deal.

Anyway, my day was a little overwhelming, but I didn't go into catastrophe mode about it. I was supposed to go see a trial with Jordan, but she texted saying she was a mess and couldn't go, and I didn't really want to go anyway, so I just didn't. Instead, I hardcore stressed about all the ish that needs to get done between now and the last day of school. And I got a call about interviewing for another internship, so that was cool. Only they wanted me to come in this week and I have absolutely no time, so that was also stressful. I'm ditching graphics to go. And then I'll have another one on Friday and then go see a trial. It'll be fine. I'll be fine.

I had homework to do, but I was stressing and unmotivated, so Scout convinced me to take a nap. It helped. And I got my homework done before going to work, which wasn't all that special. When I came home, I kind of got the sense that Katy was mad at me. I don't know. Maybe it was just a long day. Maybe both. But she perked up when Erin came home, so that's good I guess. I'm glad they have each other, I'm just real sad I'm not in that mix too. I feel like I lost Erin a long time ago and I think I'm losing Katy. It breaks my heart, but I don't know what to do about it. I would say something, but again, I don't feel like I should. I feel like I'm not supposed to. I don't want to bring her down more than I already have. I'm a terrible friend for dragging her down as much as I have. That breaks my heart too. I hate it.

There's so much I need to say.

I needed to cry and didn't really feel like crying in front of Katy, so I went down to my car in the garage for a few minutes. I needed it, but it kind of turned into hyperventilating, and now I'm not breathing correctly. I'm a mess. I'm not strong enough to keep everything in. I need help. I need someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay.

April 11

I didn't cry at all today, so that's an improvement I suppose.

I went to ART to turn in my projects and to work on my new one, but the professor had to leave at 9, so there was really no point in even being there. But I stayed for another hour and a half anyway, not really doing anything. Whatevs.

I came back home for a little bit to chillax, and then I went to go see a guest house up in the Malibu Bowl. It was really cute, but it wouldn't have worked out. It was a pain to get to (I wouldn't want to leave or come home when it was dark out and nobody would ever come visit), the bedroom was small (which isn't a huge deal, but I'm so used to this big one), and I didn't have cell phone reception (so it'd be like I was really cut off from the world. Not what I want).

I came back to school and planned on doing some COM homework, but I didn't. And then we were supposed to start working on our photo illustration assignment for graphics, but Zurz didn't give us much direction and didn't show us how to do anything except make a ball. Not a very productive class, as usual. My COM class was cancelled and I should have used that time to do homework, but I came home and napped with Scout instead. I love napping and I love napping with Scout. I could've slept longer, and I would have loved to, but I needed to go to work.

Work wasn't anything special. I closed with Rob and Yeltsin who are always fun to work with. Rob, however, doesn't get ish done and I end up doing extra work. I can handle it, it's just kind of frustrating.

Fehlbaum had called me during work, so I called her when I got out. Turns out she wants to live together, so now I'm have roommates. I don't have to fend for myself. It's going to be us, Caroline, and maybe Laura's old co-RA. We'll see. And hopefully I get to keep Scout. Caroline's allergic, but I don't know how allergic. They're thinking about getting a house so that we'll all have our own bedrooms and they're thinking about starting a lease in July. That works as long as I don't have an internship. If I get one, I need to find somewhere to crash for a month.

I came home, chatted with Erin for a bit (I guess her cousin isn't staying here after all), and then got ready for bed. Oh, and I burned myself literally within the last 2 minutes of work, so my hand has been on fire for over 2 hours. Not okay.

April 10

You know that feeling?

When you're just waiting.

Waiting to get home, into your room,

close the door, fall into bed,

and just let everything out that you kept in all day.

That feeling of both relief and desperation.

Nothing is wrong,

but nothing is right either.

And you're tired.

Tired of everything, tired of nothing.

And you just want someone to be there

and tell you it's okay.

But no one's going to be there.

And you know you have to be strong,

for yourself, because no one can fix you.

But you're tired of waiting.

Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else.

Tired of being strong.

And for once, you just want it to be easy.

To be simple. To be helped. To be saved.

But you know you won't be.

But you're still hoping.

And you're still wishing.

And you're still staying strong and fighting,

with tears in your eyes.

You're fighting.

The first part of the day wasn't too bad at all. I left the house a little later than I wanted to, but it didn't really matter in the long run. I headed to the bank and then to sbux, and I even got Johnny to cover my shift on Friday so I could go to my interview at Motive. I headed over to visit Katy/deliver her drink and bagel and we chatted for a bit. I guess Erin's cousin is going to stay with us for a week or two. Random, and kind of weird, but I can't say no to family.

I spent most of the afternoon doing homework in Payson, but then my mind started to wander and I lost focus. After an hour of failing to be productive, I headed over to Kinkos to get some stuff printed. I intended on going back to school, but opted for going home instead. After I cut out my pages to my vocab book for art, I left again, intending on going back to the library, but I ended up driving around for a while, letting my thoughts take over, making me sad and overwhelmed. There's so much that I've been wanting/needing to talk about, and I haven't. Dave was out last week and will be out this week, so I can't talk to him. I don't want to vent to my family even though they've told me that I can. I would love to talk to Katy, but I feel like I shouldn't. I don't want to ruin her day by venting about mine. And Erin and I haven't really spoken to each other in weeks, so I'm not going to vent to her. However, we really do need to talk. I think if we don't do it this week, we're never going to and the rest of the year is just going to be awkward and we aren't going to be okay next year.

Even though the content and circumstance was unfortunate, I have to say that I liked venting to Katy 2 1/2 weeks ago. I don't think I had ever let myself be that open with her, and it was nice. It was scary, but it was nice. It felt great to say what I was feeling. Or at least try to say. I'm not super articulate and a lot of the time I can't really pin point what I want to say. But still. It was nice. I miss it. I wish I was still venting, because I need to. I just feel like I shouldn't. And I know we had that conversation before, and it's supposed to be okay for me to vent as long as I reciprocate, and I will, I just don't think that's fair to Katy. She has her own stuff to deal with, so I don't want to put my stuff on her too. And she seems happy, so I don't want to bring her down. I'll be okay.

I came home for a second, but I couldn't stay. I was holding back tears the entire time and I needed to get out. I cried on my way to CVS, I cried on my way out of CVS because they didn't have what I needed, and then I headed to the caf for dinner. Erin was going to let me know when she got out of her meeting so we could meet up for dinner, but that never happened. After dinner I was intending on driving around and crying, but several people asked about shirts, so I went back to Payson, handed out shirts, and got some homework done. I felt better, but that was just a bandaid. It didn't fix anything. I need to talk about everything in order to fix it. But who can I talk to?

April 9

Rebecca texted me real late last night, well, after I had gone to bed, and it was super sweet. It made me really happy and I cried and felt silly.

I woke up, got ready for my game, and then headed out to school. There were only 5 of us today, so of course we had to forfeit, but we played with some of SC's girls and it ended up being a lot of fun. We're dunzo for the season. I just wish Erin and Katy had gone to one of my games. I guess it was my fault for not inviting them to that first one, but Erin went to that one for a second anyway. Whatevs. Maybe they'll go next year. Maybe we'll actually have a team next year.

I spent the first few hours of being at home kinda sorta helping Katy get ready for Senior Ball. I just gave my opinion on things, so I guess that's kind of helping. I wanted to take a nap, but I also wanted to help, so I didn't nap. I would've loved to have gone, but I wasn't going to go without a date. And me going would've been cheating. I'm a senior, technically, but I'm not graduating. After Katy left, I still wasn't ready to do my homework, so I watched Sucker Punch and then finally did homework.

I finished all I had set out to do for tonight and now I'm super tired and kind of mopey. There's so much I want to talk about that I haven't been able to.

April 8

Today wasn't so bad, but there were tears at one point.

Work was kind of a long shift, I guess, but it didn't feel that way. The staff was proficient, but not super fun. But whatevs. I was supposed to go visit a guest house today, but I'm going to go see it on Monday during my break instead. No big deal. When I came home, I figured I'd shower and then try to talk to Erin. However, that's not how it worked out. I came home, realized that Erin's new roommates were over, and went straight to shower. They were still around when I got out, so I checked my email and then left to go to Graphaids. I'm just not ready to be around them. I was uncomfy. I don't know if that will ever change. And I got my on campus housing confirmation today. It worked out fairly well, and it wouldn't be the end of the world if I had to live there, but it's not what I want. Katy asked me what I wanted, but I can't have what I want. I want to live with my best friends. That isn't going to happen. I want to keep Scout. That can't happen if I'm on campus, so I have to find someplace off campus. I don't want to be lonely. I'm lonely in this house even when people are here, so I don't know how to make that not happen. I want to be happy. I don't know how to make that happen either.

I was pretty sleepy when I came home, so Scout and I crashed for about 2 hours. It was adorable. She was super cuddly today. I don't think she'd forgive me if I had to give her away. Or just left her for a year. Anyway, Erin wasn't home when I woke up, so talking to her didn't seem like an option. I spent the rest of the night searching for jobs and housing. I got to talk to my mom and my grandma too, so that was nice. I considered going home for the night, but ultimately didn't. I finished the night by catching up on tv and now I'm probably going to go to bed. Erin came home a little bit ago, but I guess something happened today that frustrated her, so she wasn't down to talk. Totally understandable. It's late anyway. Maybe tomorrow.

April 7

So today didn't really go the way I had it planned out in my head, but I'm thinking that that's just the way this week decided to go.

I woke up at 6 and headed home to get ready for school. I chillaxed for a little bit before finally getting ready for school. The plan was to get to school early, print out all my homework, and then go about my day as usual. I left the house around 7:20, got some sbux, then made it to Payson with plenty of time to print my homework and put my art project together. Unfortunately, the money I put on my ID in order to print apparently didn't transfer, so I was unable to print. I had a printing card, but Erin had told me there was no money left on it the last time she tried to use it, so I disregarding using that. Because I couldn't print the pictures for my art project, I didn't go to art. Instead, I stayed in Payson to apply to the internships I found yesterday, to look for housing options of which I found 1 more prospect, and to look for jobs of which I found none. Upon leaving the library around 11, I figured I'd give my printing card a try. It worked. With $14 left. I could've gone to class had I known.

I had my SPB interview at noon so I just kind of killed time until then. It last about 45 minutes and I think it went well. It sounds really fun and exciting, and I think I want the job, I just don't know if I'd be able to do it. I don't know.

Graphics was a waste. We literally were in there for 15 minutes. But I told Zurz about the graphic design chair position and she was excited, so maybe she thinks I could do it.

I came home and napped for about 2 hours, which was great, and thought about leaving as soon as I woke up since Erin had just gotten home, but I didn't. I haven't really decided how I want to act on her "I'm miserable around you." I don't want her to be miserable, and if she's miserable around me, I should just not be around. It's only for another 7 weeks. Then she doesn't have to deal with me anymore. But we need to talk. Last night was not okay and if we don't talk, things aren't going to finish well this year and we probably won't be okay next year. Just my guess.

MSCO was kind of interesting today, only I still didn't learn anything. I guess it's just more entertaining than interesting. And CNN was there filming class, so that was kind of cool.

ATO was having their last gladiATOr event at 8, I got done with class at 9, and then met Katy down in the Fieldhouse to watch what was left of the event. Quite the show. Harper was my favorite part. I got home around 11, showered, and then have just been surfing around til now. I should probably sleep soon since I'm running on Redbulls. We'll see.

April 6

I was supposed to go to practice, and I meant to considering it was the last one, but I just couldn't. I couldn't get out of bed. I ended up waking up for real around 8 and got ready for the day. I headed out to Pavilions, made some Rice Krispie Treats, did my COM homework, and then headed to school for my COM meeting. Kind of pointless. I feel like that group project has the potential to be good, but the instructions are obscure and my group isn't really the best. We finished up at 2, so I stuck around the library and did some house hunting. 1 new prospect. I was supposed to go to therapy at 3, but it got cancelled, so I ended up staying in Payson for a while longer and looked up internships. 5 new prospects. I headed up to class, which was okay, but actually went the whole time, and then I went to Kinkos to print a portfolio.

On the drive there I got a little mopey thinking about stuff, and then when I got to Kinkos, it turned out I didn't save my file correctly, so it didn't print correctly either. That kind of pushed me over the edge. I started bawling as soon as I got to my car and got upset about a million things all over again. I swung by home to pick up the Rice Krispie Treats and then went to school for my LAX meeting at 7. That was kind of a waste too. I was supposed to go to ICC at 8, but stayed at the LAX meeting instead. Then I returned to Kinkos and got my portfolio printed.

I cried the way there and back and then went to Payson to try and get all my homework done. It didn't happen. I ended up texting Erin and crying the entire time I was there. It was dumb. I'm always that person who's in the library in a corner somewhere with something to cry about. The text convo didn't really go so well and I don't know if Erin and I are going to be okay or not. I think we need to talk about everything, I just don't think it's going to happen. I ended up leaving the library and going to Tim's.

We both did homework until 3 and now I'm going to sleep for a sec before going home to get ready for school.

April 5

Fairly standard day.

I worked from 11:15 to 5:30 and apparently was grumpy. I probably was considering I was upset last night and cried myself to sleep again. It was real busy, but it wasn't unbearable.

I came home, showered, got myself fairly presentable, and then went to school to watch the gladiATOrs coffeehouse. I sat with the tri-delts and had a grand ol' time. I was starving by the time it ended, so Katy and I finally went on our burger run. Delicious. We drove backed to school and then went home.

I should've done more homework, like my COM stuff, but I ended up just expanding my portfolio for my interview on Thursday. And now I'm going to bed because I am spent.

April 4

I can hear Erin and Katy talking about housing. I need to leave.

*10AM

I drove around and cried for about an hour and a half. I was half expecting a text asking where I was, but one never came. Katy asked if I was coming back towards the end of my drive, but that's not the same. I'm glad they were concerned and I'm glad they asked if I was okay. Oh, wait.

So back to writing like it's today... Today didn't really go as planned, but I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It definitely caused me to think. I went to ART to turn in my project, and that's pretty much all we did. We got out right around 9. As soon as we got out, Rebecca sent me this "My mom asked about you last night. I was talking to her about being depressed and how my level of homesickness is close to being abnormal and she analyzed my sitch by saying that im not happy in sac anymore and a lot of it has to do with the friendships ive made up there not being anywhere close to the friendships ive already had like with you. And she said that the times she saw me happiest in high school were the times like after football games, at norms, stuff for yearbook, council, etc. and all of those times included you! I sincerely miss you pepino... i guess to the point of mild depression. Haha well thats not funny but jeez, we really really need like an entire week together this summer." And she sent me another one about what she wants to do for her 21st in July. So that was sweet and sad and I really was looking forward to going home and thinking about it, but alas, that didn't happen.

Kelle pulled me aside and explained some car trouble and asked if I'd follow her to the dealer. Being the person that I am, I said yes. We dropped her car off and then I dropped her off at her apartment. I came home for a little bit to whip up a bake sale flyer and then went to pick Kelle up to go to lunch and take her to pick up her car. Yesterday when we were doing our group project stuff, she and Caroline had lots to say about their boyfriends and graduation and their life, but none of it was really applicable to me, so I just kind of sat that one out. However, it was my turn today. Kelle asked me about my family, what I wanted to do with my life, about relationships, school... and that got me thinking too. We went to lunch at PF Changs and then went to pick up her car that hadn't been worked on yet. There was some arguing, a failed attempt at renting a car, and then finally it was left there and I took her back to school. It was a pretty uncomfy ride because she was yelling on the phone and made a remark about the car guy being a Mexican that didn't speak English. Not true.

We got back to class, presented our game, which was the best, played other people's games, and then peaced. COM was kind of dumb and we got out early, so whatevs. I came home, debriefed Katy about my day, surfed around, and then went to work.

Work was real busy so it took forever to get stuff done, but it was okay. And lots of people I knew came in, like way more than usual, so that was fun.

I came home, kind of told Erin about my day, she told me about Josh's birthday, and then I got ready for bed. Katy came home a while later and went to go talk to Erin. That's when I got uncomfortable and started thinking about stuff.

2 weeks ago, the world I had built up in my head collapsed. It broke into a million pieces and I had no clue what to do. I was a mess mentally and emotionally. I couldn't focus and I couldn't figure out what I was feeling because my mind was just a jumble of emotions and thoughts. I was a wreck. A week ago, I got to the point where I could focus for a long enough period to get my ish done, but still got distracted. I was able to pick out what emotions I was feeling and why I felt that way. My world still seemed crushed. Now, I know exactly how I feel and why I feel that way. Now, I can focus, but can't help to let my mind wander in my downtime. Now, I need to focus on rebuilding. I've been reevaluating my choices, my actions, and my relationships, and it's been rough. I'm not okay and I don't know when I will be. I've never been more hurt. I've never felt more rejected. I've never been more lost.

April 3

I went to bed super late and then woke up fairly early because I was meeting with Caroline and Kelle to work on our dumb board game project. We weren't planning on it taking ALL day and we weren't planning on it costing so much either. Ridiculous. The assignment was dumb. The class is dumb. I took it hoping to learn more about graphic design. I haven't learned anything and the class is cancelled more often than not. Not okay. I spent a good portion of the early evening with Caroline putting stuff together, which was frustrating, fun, and stupid all at the same time. I'm going to miss Caroline next year. We've become so close this year.

After we finished building stuff, I met up with my COM group, 45 minutes late. Whoops. That meeting was pointless. At least the part I went to, anyway.

When I got home I cleaned out my purse and backpack, worked on my art project, got to have a good convo with Katy, and then finished my art project. I probably shouldn't have drank a Redbull because I was wired, but I'm okay now.

I just hope Katy'll be okay.

April 2

I woke up earlier than I had to, but I made the most of it. I changed my sheets and washed my duvet cover and then I got ready for my game. Turns out we only had 8 girls and we had to play on a ghetto fabulous field down on lower Alumni. We ended up playing ASU, but it didn't count for anything. We didn't even keep score. But it was still fun and I think we would've won, which is awesome considering how scrappy our team is.

I stopped by sbux with Gianna before heading home and finally calling my dad. He had been wanting to talk about everything, but I didn't have the heart to do it until now. My mom had filled him in for the most part, but he still wanted to talk to me. We talked for about an hour about my most recent heartbreak and about school. It was helpful and sucked at the same time. Everytime I vent to someone, Dave, Tim, Jordan, Caroline, my mom, my dad, I gain new insight, but I also feel more hurt. I felt more hurt after I got off the phone with my dad and cried for a while. I had to. I don't think I've ever been this hurt.

I got over it and headed over to the hot tub to chillax for a little bit before coming back and showering. I should've taken a nap, but I didn't. And I was going to propose going out to dinner to Katy, but she had plans to go out, so I didn't say anything. I think that's better than making the suggestion and being shot down. Anyway, I tried doing my homework, but couldn't focus, so I did other stuff. I looked for jobs, I looked for housing, I applied for on campus housing, I attempted to file my taxes but then realized I didn't have to, I talked to my mom, I cried, I reorganized my files, and then I finally started my homework around 10. Now I'm done and I don't think Katy's coming home.

April 1

I was planning on sleeping in until whenever I could, but then I remembered that I needed to go to convo, so I actually got up and went to that. It was packed and I thought for sure I was going to get turned away, but I made it in. It wasn't as good as I was hoping since it was a student showcase instead of worship, but it was still okay. And apparently Erin went, but I didn't see her and it appeared that I ignored her. I didn't purposefully ignore her. I just didn't know where she was.

After convo I went to the bank to deposit t-shirt money and to pay rent. One more month left of 1067. Then I don't know what I'm doing. Stressful. After I made it home close to 12, I changed and sat out by the pool for about an hour until I had to get ready for work. Unfortunately, Erin and I were texting and I felt it got a little snappy. Not what I wanted to happen.

Work went well, except it was super busy the whole time I was there. It's funny. You would think that because Starbucks is all about coffee and tea, people would flock in when it's cold to get a warm, comforting drink. Not the case. People flock in when it's hot out to get iced drinks and frappuccinos. I made it through several rushes and got home a little after 6.

I showered to get rid of the sun block/coffee stench and then went in to Erin's room hoping to catch up. "So how was your trip?" "It was good." Done. I suppose I could've pried, but I don't think it was worth it. If Erin felt like talking, she would've talked. She obviously didn't want to, so I wasn't going to push her. And I have a really strong feeling that we aren't going to talk about what's been going on between us since that bomb was dropped on me last Monday. I think it's imperative to our friendship that we talk, I just also think Erin's already over this whole situation and would rather not. Unfortunate.

I was suppose to hang out with the freshies, and I wanted to go to Roscoe's, but they're broke and declined the invite. Then I was gonna go with Caroline and Jordan, but Jordan was drunk and Caroline was being responsible and working on her ADV project. I ended up meeting the freshies as Subway and then heading over to Caroline's to help her out with her project. I didn't really help much, but Caroline was able to vent about her frustration and bounce some ideas off of me, so maybe I did help. I don't know.

The day didn't really go as planned, but it worked out. I don't think I cried today, so that was good. One day streak.