March 31

I was all set to get to class this morning, but then as I parked, in a great spot, I realized I forgot my art project on the kitchen table. I swung around and was able to get to class before attendance was called, so that was good. I wasn't feeling all that creative in class, so I didn't get all that far on my next project, but that was okay.

I didn't have graphics, which meant I was free for 6 hours, so I spent 4 of those by the pool. I got a little crispy, but I think it was worth it. Except I didn't study like at all and my midterm didn't go all that well.

I chatted with my mom for a bit when I got home, then went on a drive, and now I'm going to get ready for bed. The sun burned me out.

March 30

I meant to go to practice, really, I did, but my bed held me hostage and I slept in. I didn't sleep in too late though since Mike G. was supposed to come show the house. He didn't, but some girls from the volleyball team came and looked around. I meant to do some homework, but I couldn't focus. I was feeling mopey again. Before I knew it, it was time to finish getting ready for school and head off to therapy.

For the first time, I think it actually helped. As soon as I sat down, words came flowing through me and I talked about everything that's happened and everything I've been feeling. Dave was impressed about how much I was speaking and how I knew what to say. I had been thinking about my feelings constantly, so it wasn't all that difficult. The best advice he could give me was to be honest with myself. If I feel something, feel it. Don't pretend I'm okay when I'm not. If I need to feel sad, feel sad. If I'm mad about something, then be mad about it. He summed up how I've been feeling in a great way. I feel hurt and rejected. That's exactly how I feel, with other emotions mixed in. And he said I should really try to talk to Erin about how I've been feeling since we have yet to speak about this issue.

COM was a little difficult and I was growing impatient, but it wasn't a huge deal. I met up with Jordan after class to study for MSCO and we were there until almost 10. I came home, made myself a drink, and got to work on my art project. I'm a fan. It came out way better than my first one did.

March 29

My well being took more of a backslide today.

I slept in, which was much needed and I was extremely thankful to do so, and then I showered and got ready for my day. Jordan came over a little after 11, we vented about all of the drama that's been going on in our lives as of late, and then we went and had lunch at Spruzzo. I hadn't spent time with her in a while, so that was nice. She applied to Pepperdine's Law School, and only there, and has yet to hear anything, so she doesn't know what her plan is for after graduation. If she gets in, she's living with Chamone Marshall and Rachel Lanier. I told her if they needed an extra roommate to let me know. I think living with them would be a lot of fun and I think Jordan would be the bad influence I've needed in my life. So living with Jordan is up in the air and probably won't happen.

When I got back home I caught up on TV, did some homework, and waited for Mike to come show the house at 3. He didn't come, but Ceele Dennis, Abbie Case, and Katie Gilliam did. I spent the rest of the afternoon doing homework, thinking, and stressing about my life.

Work was busy and my mind and emotions were all over the place, so getting stuff done was difficult. Last Friday I had talked to Ainsley about my lack of housing sitch and she said that she and Claudia had a room available in Villa Malibu, but I would have to share it in order to afford it, so I kind of dismissed the idea since I don't really want to share a room and I have nobody in mind that I would want to share a room with if I had to. Claudia came in towards the beginning of my shift and said that she, Ainsley, and Cece all really want me to live with them, but they don't know how to make that happen. I think living with them would work out okay, but I don't know how to make that happen either. I can't afford it. Then Ainsley and Cece came in later and said the same thing. I've asked around, and literally all the people I would want to live with are accounted for. I talked to Fehlbaum for a little bit and her living sitch is kind of up in the air, but she said she'd keep me in the loop. I don't really want to live with Fehlbaum, but I don't think I should be picky at this point since it's not like I'm going to get what I want anyway. I've looked at singles, but I can't afford those either. Jordan said I'm not allowed to move back home, so that's out, but I guess moving back to school wouldn't be the end of the world. Just unfortunate. Like this whole situation. Unfortunate. Tim was stressing out hardcore about work and getting everything done, so he was stressing me out, so that wasn't any good either. We got out late again, but it wasn't a big deal. I stopped by Ralphs on the way home and then tried my best to relax until going to bed.

March 28

I was hoping to fall fast asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, but I was too stimulated from homework and my brain wouldn't shut off. So I started thinking. And I got sad. And my 2 night streak of not crying myself to sleep ended.

I actually went to art today. It had been a while. Like a week and a half. It was kind of a waste, but I had a project due, so I actually had to go. We got out early, so I headed to the library to apply to some internships since I still don't have one for the summer. When 12 rolled I around I grabbed some lunch and then spent the rest of my break looking for somewhere to live. No luck. I'm really worried. As of right now, it's looking like I'll either be on campus or at home, neither of which I'll be happy with. Solid. That was stressing me out big time. Graphics was productive for once, but COM wasn't as good as it normally is. But that's okay.

I was exhausted by the time when I was done with class and my mind started wandering on my way home. I just couldn't help it. I allowed myself about 5 minutes to relax and then got ready for work. I really didn't want to go to work. I'm tired of Starbucks.

Amariah did a crappy job running the store, so there were a million things left to do when I got there at 6:30. I was tired, unmotivated, and sad, so I wasn't looking forward to doing all that extra work, but I did it. Yeltsin knew something was up, he said I didn't have my usual "Delphina Glow," so I vented. "It is what it is," was almost as good as "You'll figure it out. You'll be okay." We got out, but I didn't really care. All I cared about was not standing. Standing for hours at a time sucks and I've decided that I want a career that doesn't have me standing for hours at a time.

Today was rough.

March 27

I woke up late, but I thought it was early. I thought I had work at 9:45 when I really had it at 9:15. I was only 10 minutes late, so it was okay. Work was exhausting to say the least. I worked with Amariah and everyone had long shifts, so there was no fresh energy and it was super busy all day. But I decided I wasn’t mad anymore. I didn’t think it was worth it. I felt like I couldn’t change anything I was mad about, so I might as well give in and not fight it. I don’t see any other choice. I’m still incredibly heartbroken and hurt over the situation, but I’m not mad. It feels better, but I’m still not okay. I finally was able to leave around 6. I would’ve loved to have napped, but I showered, ordered ATODDD shirts and then finally got started on homework after Katy got home and we decided that we’d be productive. I had my heart set on a burger run and Katy said we could go if I got far enough along on my homework, but when that time came, she said I was crazy and we went to Jack in the Box instead. I was definitely disappointed and didn’t really want to go, but I didn’t want to fight that battle either. It wasn’t worth it. It was crazy. I should’ve known better. I shouldn’t have said anything. We got back right before midnight, got ready for bed, and went our separate ways. She stayed upstairs to study and I went downstairs to start my art project that was due in a matter of hours. I finished around 2 and then did some other homework, and now I’m going to nap until I have to get ready for school.

March 26

I woke up rearing to go, but I couldn't decide what I wanted to do. I had a game at 1, but Anchorsplash was also at 1, so I was torn. I ended up not going to the game, but went to Starbucks and Anchorsplash instead. Terrible. Anchorsplash was a little bit of a letdown, but I had a nice time hanging out with Caroline and it was nice to see some ATODDD friends. After that was done, I headed up to main campus real quick to get stuff from the art studio since I planned on doing homework, and then came home and ended up taking a 2 hour nap. Stephanie called and invited me to dinner and a movie, so I changed and headed out to meet her and whoever she was with. Good group. Then we headed to Agoura to watch the Adjustment Bureau. Not the best movie, but it was okay. Then we headed out to get frozen yogurt after the movie. That was fun. I came home and got ready for bed and then kinda surfed around til now. I kinda felt like I should talk to Katy about stuff when she got home, but I didn't. I was kind of mad today. About lots of stuff. I'm contemplated just ignoring the whole situation and just pretending like everything is okay. I don't think that's the best idea, but it might happen.

March 25

I wasn't sad today. I was mostly frustrated. And work went well, but I was getting irritated at dumb little things real easily. After work I chillaxed and got ready to go back to school for battle of the bands. I sat with some Tridelts and then met up with Tim for drinks at Cafe Habana afterwards. It was nice to talk to him and I enjoyed my day overall.

March 24

I gave up the snooze button for Lent, which has been working out fine, except instead of pressing snooze, I turn my alarm off and don't get up. It's been a problem. I woke up late today, but I got to school in time for class. Only I didn't go to class. I didn't have the homework done, so I just didn't go. I've had no homework done this week. Inability to focus --> inability to do homework --> not going to class --> poor grades. It's a terrible predicament I'm in. I was able to focus better than I have been able to for the past few days, but it wasn't good enough. I didn't get anything done. And I was hungry when 12 rolled around, but didn't hear from Erin so I ate by myself. 40 minutes later after a phone call with her mom, Erin has lunch and I kind of just sit there. One of her BA friends came and I felt awkward, so I left. And Katy got asked to formal and didn't bother telling me about it, so that kinda sucked. Erin told me. I mean, I knew it was gonna happen, but I would've appreciated getting told the news. She didn't even mention it when I got home.

Class was kind of a waste, but we got out early, so that was nice. I came home and crashed for about 2 hours. Katy was home by the time I woke up, I think she came home pretty soon after I did, actually, and still there was no mention of the proposal after I had asked about her day. No biggy though. I left pretty soon after I woke up to go for a drive just because I needed to calm down. For the past couple of days I had been feeling mostly sad and scared, but today was different. I was mostly mad, bitter, and frustrated. I still am. Oh so very much.

While I was on my drive, I had the bright idea that hot chocolate, a movie, and a fire would make things happy. Katy and I watched Enchanted, but it was off. I should've mentioned it to Katy, but I was really hoping we could just enjoy the movie. I don't think we've ever just been around each other at home without one of us being on our phone or computer. Katy was on her laptop the whole time, which is fine, but its not how I would've wanted it. I should've said something and if I say something now, she'll probably say that I should've said something. It's okay. It wasn't the evening I wanted, but it was better than crying in a corner in the library.

It's not super late, but I'm tired, but I'm not ready for bed. I don't know what's up. And I want to tell Katy how I'm feeling and I want to talk to Erin, but Erin's busy packing and I won't see her for a week because she's going to Arizona to go play on a dude ranch with her family for spring break. What? Yeah, I don't know.

I need to feel better.

March 23

Wow. So I slept through practice and convo.

I went to Payson to work on homework, but I couldn't focus, and before I knew it, it was 2. I skipped my appointment, which probably was a bad idea, and grabbed some stuff at home instead. I ended up going home home.

I talked to my mom about what's going on, which wasn't all that helpful, and then we had dinner together. I loved it. I love my mom's cooking. I love my mom. I loved being home even if it was only for a few hours. I ended up heading back around 6:30. There was a lot of traffic because it was kind of rush hour and because it was raining, but I made it to school right on time at 8. ICC went the same as usual and I found out that I'm for sure not living with Erin or Katy. I thought Monday was just kind of a proposal and not definitive. Guess I misinterpreted everything. Whoops. I went to the library to try and get all my homework done, but I couldn't focus, so I went home to talk to Katy instead. We didn't do much talking, but I think it helped a little bit. I don't know. The worst part was probably hearing that Katy is going to be living with Erin. I feel like that validates my feelings that I was the problem. It's okay though. I just want them to be happy.

I asked Erin for a hug when I got back to school, so that was nice. She didn't have to turn around, but she did, and it was greatly appreciated. I tried doing homework again, but failed. I just have so much going through my head and can't really make sense of anything or focus on anything. I gave up and came home. And now I'm in bed.

March 22

Work was rough. I lost count of how many times I cried. But I made it through without breaking down too badly. I stopped by DanceStar on the way home and it seemed fairly okay, but I was still extremely sad. I've been sad and shaken all day.

I showered when I got home and then facebooked when I should've been doing homework. Katy came home around 9:15 and went to the hot tub until 10, then Erin came home, then Katy went to some Disney thing at school (probably to see Ryan Joe), I left for the library, but then I came back because I wasn't going to get anything done. I'd like to talk about my day with someone, but Erin's working on a paper and Josh is coming over, and Katy's gone.

March 21

So I never took a portrait of my alter ego and I failed at getting matte board, so I skipped art and did graphics homework instead. I joined Katy on her break, but I felt like it started getting awkward, so I left. Lunch with Erin was just okay. It was raining, so we couldn't sit outside, and I was still kind of bleh from the day before, so I wasn't the best person to be around. Graphics was productive and COM was short, so I didn't mind that one bit.

I worked for the first time in almost 2 weeks. It went well and we got out a little early.

When I came home, Erin and Katy were talking in our room, so I just kind of sauntered in and started minding my own business. I got ready for bed and as soon as I was under my covers, they decided to talk about our living situation for next year. Basically, they think it's best that we don't live together. Erin did most of the talking and I did my best to stay calm and take it all in, but on the inside, I was freaking out. Erin went to bed and I went to go freak out in my car. There was just so many emotions and thoughts going on and I just couldn't help but bawl. And I was still shaken from the night before, so that sucked. I calmed myself down and Katy came to talk to me. It definitely helped, but I'm incredibly sad. I'm incredibly scared. I'm incredibly upset with myself because I feel like I caused this to happen. Me and my issues caused this to happen. Katy and I talked until after 2 and then went to bed. I think she watched something before actually going to bed and I cried myself to sleep for the second night in a row.

March 20

I don't want to write stuff. Today was rainy and gross alllll day and I went into catastrophe mode for the first time in a long time.

Too much on my mind.

And it hurts.

I might cry myself to sleep tonight.

Hopefully not.

March 19

I woke up early to go watch the rugby game since some Songfest people were playing and I knew of some that were going, including Nathan. I woke up too early, but it was okay. We ended up winning and I ended up coming home after the first game since it was freezing out.

Katy and I got ready for Songfest, we did our thing, and then we went out to eat with Brittni after the show. And we got margaritas, so that was fun. We came back to school, I gave my dad his tickets, and we just chillaxed in our holding room until call. We did our thing again, but I guess our efforts weren't enough. We lost, and I don't know how.

Katy and I came back home to change and then we picked up Brittni and headed to the after party. I was irresponsible and got way too drunk, way too fast when I was supposed to be the one driving. I had a great time, but made a fool of myself, I'm sure. And I didn't get to talk to Nathan. I mean, I talked to him, but he didn't stick around and I was drunk. No good. We ended up staying until 4, Katy drove multiple people home, and I felt terrible. Not physically, just like I had ruined Katy's night. I should've been responsible.

March 18

I'm cheating.

I went to convo.

I napped for a little bit.

I caught up on TV.

I surfed around.

I talked to Erin for a little bit.

I filled out thank you cards.

I surfed around.

I got ready for Songfest.

I did Songfest.

Katy and I came back to change.

We went to Borderline with some other people from Songfest.

Borderline was kinda lame.

Half the group went out clubbing, which I wanted to do.

My half went to go eat at Dennys.

It was fun, but not as fun as clubbing would have been.

And now I'm tired.

March 17

I didn't go to school today because I really didn't see the point. I slept in and took my time getting ready. Umm.... yeah. I don't feel like writing tonight.

Songfest was awesome. We crushed it. Furreal though. It was great.

Katy and I were supposed to get drinks after, but I think she forgot/Chris was over, so that didn't happen. And I wanted to go to In N Out, but I didn't think driving by myself for that long was a good idea. I would've been caught up in my thoughts in no time.

March 16

I didn't go to practice. Instead, I showered and colored the albatross pictures I drew yesterday. Convo was really good, Katy and I went to the caf to eat, I bought some Songfest tickets, and then I just kind of putzed around/did homework until it was time to go to class. Only I didn't go. I went, but got flustered with the parking sitch, and then came home. Dumb.

Songfest wasn't as fun as it was last night. And I don't think we did as well. But whatever. It'll go well the rest of the nights.

March 15

I didn't do much of anything today besides draw stuff on the computer.

Then, before I knew it, it was time for Songfest. We did much better than we did last night. I think we have a chance of winning. I like winning.

I baked a pie, so after Katy and I got home and had cereal, we dug in. Not too shabby. Not the best, but I think it was a great first attempt.

Pi Day

I was pretty excited about it being pi day and I was evening going to bake a pie, but that didn't turn out.

Katy and I woke up early to get ready for school and get our lives together. We ended up carpooling since our call time for songfest was right after my last class and I wouldn't have time to go home or anything.

Art was kind of a waste, I turned in my Board application, lunch was good, graphics was a waste, I was struggling to stay awake in COM, and then it was time for songfest. It took way longer than it should have, but I'm confident in our group. There are a few groups that we need to watch out for, but I still feel good.

We had practice til 12:30 afterwards, but it was needed.

The end.

March 13

I woke up kind of early despite the time change and despite going to bed super late. Chris was coming over, so I made myself semi presentable and then made breakfast for everyone. I was a little scared about how my French Toast was going to turn out, but it was good. I'd say it was successful. I went upstairs and thought about napping, but listened to music instead because I felt like I had to.

Orchestra rehearsal was kind of dumb since nobody was there and we didn't really do anything special. And I was in a funky mood from feeling like I had to stay upstairs and have my headphones in plus I was having some issues with driving. Dumb. After rehearsal Katy and I came home and she did homework like a good kid, but I played on the computer and drew stuff instead of doing homework. Tech rehearsal didn't go the way anyone planned on it going, so instead of having a break, we went straight to practice and then stayed late to finish. I think we'll be fine tomorrow. We'll bring it for sure.

March 12

I woke up earlier than I had to, and to be honest, I don't even remember why I wanted to wake up that early. To shower, maybe? But I didn't have to wake up at 9.

I kind of just sat around until Katy and I went to rehearsal at noon. It was fun, as usual. We hit up Subway for lunch and then headed back to school to have our orchestra rehearsal. It went better than I was expecting it to go. We went home after that, but I left pretty quick to give Tim my Board recommendation form, to go to Home Depot, and to buy some black pants from Target. I was planning on going to school to do some homework, but I was too tired/hungry/sad to do that. I got to thinking again. I'm most susceptible when I'm tired. It went from thinking about food, to French Toast, to our last family dinner, to the last time we were all together, to our family meeting. And that's where I got stuck. I was thinking about everything Erin and Katy said and it just made me sad. I fucked up big time and no words can express how sorry I am and how awful I feel. I wish I could just be the friend they want me to be. I wish I could be the friend I wish I should be.

After being home for a little bit I finally mustered up the strength to go to school and get my art homework done. It was kind of hard, but fun. Then I stopped by Ralphs to get some stuff. I got home around 11 and have just been kind of silly since then. Katy was being a good kid and doing homework and I've just been surfing on the computer. I made mac n cheese though. That was new. I was a little scared about it, but it was delicious and I'm glad it happened.

I'm making breakfast in the morning and we're losing an hour, so I should probably get to bed soon. Oh, Spring Forward.

March 11

I woke up and got ready to go to convo and I parked in a carpool spot, so I was a little worried the whole time I was in the chapel, but I was ticket-free when I got back to my car. Then I went to sbux to check my schedule for next week and found that I was off entirely. I don't know what's up. I meant to stop at Ralphs for some things, but I forgot, so I ended up going home and lounging by the pool for a bit. Great choice. After I came back inside and chatted with Erin for a bit, I ordered a pizza, went to Pavillions, picked the pizza up and then went to school for an evening of songfesting. I love it so much. After spacing and regular rehearsal, Katy and I went to the second half of the PIT show and then met up at Jack in the Box for a little late night snack. We chatted with Erin when we got home and then got ready for bed.

March 10

This morning I decided that I'm giving up the snooze button for Lent. I've been having a hard time waking up lately and today was one of those days. I still got to school on time and all, but still. And Katy didn't wake up early enough either, so she ended up skipping her first class. No carpool. But that was okay. Art was actually kind of cool today, so that was good. I had been feeling like it was kind of a waste as of late. Lunch with Erin was just okay, only because I didn't really get the food I wanted again. I've been striking out this week. Graphics was only okay. I kind of feel like that class in general this year has been a waste. I haven't learned anything new and I wish I was. That's why I'm taking it. To learn things. To be a better graphic designer.

I came home after class to do my law homework and then went to class. That class is a waste too. I haven't really learned anything. Sad.

I came home to change for songfest and then headed back to school. It was so much fun. I was amped up on caffeine, so that helped, but we finished the show and ran the whole thing, so now we just need to keep running it and cleaning it. Stoked. Last year, the majority of the nights of songfest, I was reluctant to go to practice since I wasn't having fun. There were definitely some moments, but for the most part, it kind of sucked. There hasn't been one night this year where I haven't not been excited to go to practice. It's just so much fun. And I think a lot of that has to do with Katy. I'm really glad I'm doing it with her group. Great decision. She's doing a great job and I feel really really good about our show.

March 9

So last night Daniel and I had our talk via fb chat and text. He doesn't want to be just friends and I don't want to be in a relationship, so we're going to have all the perks of dating, just no title. Benefriends, essentially. I told him flat out that it wasn't going to lead into anything more, and he was still okay with it, so I guess I'm okay with it too.

I woke up early to register and I meant to go to practice, but I stayed sleeping instead. I think it was a good choice. Convo was student led, so it was good, and then I came back home and did homework by the pool. Great choice. I wish I could've stayed there longer, but I had an appointment with the Counseling Center. I don't know if it's called counseling or therapy or what, but I like counseling sesh best. I don't feel any better after my counseling seshs and I kind of feel like they're a waste. I don't think I'm getting anything from them. And I think what little progress I've made so far has been my doing, not the Counseling Center. I just don't know. I'm going to start going every other week now, so yeah. I don't know. I just wish they would tell me what to do in order to fix things. That's what I need. I need some instruction. I need a plan. I need some steps to follow and then I'll be better. I'll be the person I want to be. I'll be the friend I should have always been. I'll be better.

Class was good today, but I was kind of tired, so I didn't enjoy it as much as I normally could have. I came home, I should've done homework, but watched Glee instead. Then Katy and I went to ICC, which was a waste of time, and since we got out waaay early, we went to Ralphs and Mal Yo before practice.

We're essentially done with the show, we just need to run it and clean it. Exciting. And Katy said that she was glad that I was doing it with her group and that pretty much made my day. It's the little things like that that really get to me. I love them. Sometimes I need some validation in my life.

March 8

Katy's alarm woke me up this morning and I woke up a few extra times and was super confused each time. But it was okay. After Scout calmed down and decided to be cuddly, we went back to sleep until it was time to get ready for work.

Amariah was working, so that made the whole day kind of dumb. And we had waay too many people working, so I felt weird. It had its moments of fun, but for the most part, I was looking forward to going home.

I took Katy a drink to hopefully make her throat feel better, stopped by work to pick up some stuff I forgot, and then I came home and talked to Erin for a bit before taking a shower. I really should've done homework, but I didn't.

Songfest was fun. We just ran everything. And Katy said that it's looking good, so I'm glad. Good is good. Great is better, but we'll get there.

March 7

I woke up a little late since I didn't have my phone so I got out the door a little late and was a little too late getting to school in order to get a parking spot by the CCB. But it wasn't a big deal. Art was kind of a waste and we got out super early, but I was able to get some stuff done, so I guess it kinda sorta worked out. I had lunch with Erin as per usual, but lunch wasn't all that great and talking to her went as usual too. Not super deep and like everything is fine. Everything isn't fine and I want it to get better. Graphics was okay except we didn't learn anything and we had a quiz that I wasn't prepared for. But it was okay. COM was just okay today. I was a little too tired to enjoy it.

I came home, ate, and then napped, only I kept waking myself up by making sounds. It was silly and I hope I don't do it again tonight. Katy and I went to songfest and she pretty much taught a whole dance. And it was hard. I am just so impressed with her. And proud.

Good day.

March 6

I woke up early so I could get out of the house at a decent time in order to get to Disneyland around 10 like I had planned. The only problem was that Daniel was an hour late. Whatevs. And both parks were crowded, but it wasn't terrible. Daniel and I had a good time, I tried not to be couple-y with him, and then we left around 7 when it was starting to get cold and rainy.

I got home a little after 8:30, putzed around for a little bit, and then Katy and I went to sbux before Songfest. I am so excited about it. And Nathan and I kinda talked tonight, so that was cool.

Katy and I were kind of silly when we got home and now we're going to bed. Good day.

March 5

I had work from 11 until a little after 5, which went well. There were definitely some rushes and it was pretty consistent all day, so I was kind of exhausted when I came home. I showered because I felt gross, Katy went to dinner with Chris and Isabela, I did homework, and then I hung out with them when they got back. We made "dirt cups" and then I sat and watch the Princess Bride with them after Katy invited me to stay. I had been upstairs surfing around and had come down to get a drink. I'm glad she offered. I would've felt weird and lonely upstairs by myself.

Overall, pleasant day.

Oh, and I was supposed to go on a burger run with Dimler, but 1, I wasn't hungry, and 2, I wasn't really up for a catch up sesh. And the last time I had one on one time with Dimler, my day was awful. I'm not blaming her for that, that just contributed to my day. I don't think tonight would've been bad, but whatever. Sorry, Dimler.

March 4

I woke up earlier than I had to, and I really should've just gone back to sleep, but it turned out okay. Work turned out okay too. There were some rushes, but it was pretty steady for the most part. And everyone I worked with was good too. Emory, Pari, Jesse, and Tim. Solid.

And I was in a good mood when I came home, so that was good too. Katy and I went to pick up Isabela and then went to go see the new Topher Grace movie. It was pretty funny and I love Topher Grace. I attempted to make French Toast when we got home, but it just wasn't right. I'm blaming the bread, but I don't know. I had been craving it and I let myself down. Whatever. It'll be right next time.

Katy and I touched on some semi sensitive subjects and I wanted to go a little further, and I was willing to, but I didn't push for it and I don't think Katy wanted to, so I just let it be. Well, not really. I've been thinking about them for a while.

I'm torn. I feel like I'm supposed to be willing to talk to her and Erin about things, but I also feel like I shouldn't talk to them about things because I don't want them to put in effort they don't have. I rather take on things myself than burden them or have them give me energy they don't have. Katy just said that talking to me about stuff would take effort and sometimes she just doesn't have it. I feel like that's all my fault.

March 3

I got to sleep in, which was great, and then I just kind of sat around for most of the day applying for internships. I hope I get a really good one for the summer. I went into work early, I left right after Erin came home, and it was pretty typical. The interaction between Erin and I and work. I came home, said hi to Erin, showered, and now I'm about to watch Garden State before going to bed.

March 2

I wish I could've slept sleeping this morning, but I had to get up and go to work. I couldn't help but to think about how things went via text between me and Erin the night before, so I got pretty down on myself on the way to work. I snapped out of it though, so that was good.

Work was kind of long, but it wasn't too busy or anything, so I'd say it went well. The schedule was planned poorly, so Hady and I ended up staying a half hour extra, but I had nowhere to be and I need the money, so I'm not really complaining.

I took the long way home even though it was raining so I could contemplate some things. I don't really know how to put into words how I felt tonight, how I still kind of feel, but I was really looking forward to trying to talk to someone when I got home. Unfortunately, when I got home, I could see that Katy was getting ready to leave, which I didn't know was happening, so I didn't mention anything. I think she could tell something was bothering me though. I wish she would've said something. I needed her to. And again, Erin wasn't around, so I couldn't talk to her about anything.

I caught up on TV and then watched Zombieland. Super fun night.

March 1

I ended up sleeping on the couch just because I was so comfy and warm when the movie ended, I didn't want to have to leave and start over again. When I woke up after I heard Katy leave, I got off the couch and moved to my bed until I finally decided to get up around noon to get to my store meeting at 1 right after Erin had come home.

The meeting was important I guess, I just wasn't all that into it. After we got out at 3, I went to the bank and then came home for a bit and started applying for internships. Erin left to go running and then Katy left for work, so I Swiffered and started some laundry. Erin came home and showered and left pretty soon after that. That's totally fine and all, I just wish we were around each other at some point so I can try and reestablish this relationship that I've pretty much destroyed this year. I jokingly complained to Katy and I guess Katy told Erin, so then Erin was mad at me, and then I ended up getting mad at myself, but it wasn't like too too bad. I just cried a little.

I realized at 11 that I had missed Parenthood at 10, but I had spent the evening listening to new music anyway, so it was okay. No big deal. When I was done listening to all the new stuff and all my laundry was done, I planned on watching my Monday shows, but only got through Chuck. Something was wrong with CBS, so I couldn't watch How I Met Your Mother. No big deal. I'll watch it tomorrow.

I think Katy just got home since Scout woke up and left me. She went out with Brittni after work for drinks as far as I know. Cute. Maybe we'll recap when she comes up. I don't know.