May 31

Today didn’t go the way I had imagined it would.  At all.

As usual, I woke up later than I wanted to, but I was still on time for class.  Class consisted entirely of case study presentations, and originally my group wanted to go first, but because I had a splitting headache and was in no mood to improvise, I asked my team if we could go tomorrow.  They agreed, but because we had time for one last group, we got stuck presenting.  It was fine, it just could have been better.

After class I ran over to Ralphs real quick and then went over to Charter to turn in the wireless router and the like.  At noon, I met up with Katy at Coogies for lunch and to chat about where our friendship stands.  I had no clue how to act at lunch, so I was a little uncomfy, and I froze when Katy asked if we were going to talk.  I knew we would, and I wanted to, but not there.  I figured tears would be involved since I had already been crying about it by myself, so I wasn’t down to have the restaurant be witness to the waterworks.

We ended up going back to the house to spend time with Wittles and to talk about what we needed to talk about.  It was definitely difficult.  I can never say what I’m thinking.  It makes complete sense in my head, but I can’t articulate my point correctly and my message doesn’t get through.  And it didn’t help that I had no clue how to respond to most of Katy’s points.  They all made sense, and I understood where she was coming from, I just couldn’t respond.  A lot of what was said hurt, but it was warranted.  For sure.  Not a whole lot was accomplished before I had to go to my dr. appointment.

My blood pressure was high and I mentioned how I was having chest pain for a while, so they ran some tests on my heart.  It’s fine, aside from the murmur, but that isn’t something to worry about.  I got a shot, some new meds, and was on my way back home to finish that convo.

Erin was over when I came back, and since I hadn’t seen or talked to her since before she left, I didn’t really know how to act.  I was afraid that having the three of us there, talking, would turn into an infamous family meeting.  I always felt, I don’t know, bombarded with information during those.  I wasn’t down.  Erin asked if she could stay, and I didn’t give her the nicest answer possible, but it was what I meant.  And it didn’t sit well, so we ended up texting about it for a while after that.  It didn’t solve anything.  I would love to fix all of the problems I’ve created, I just don’t know how.  I feel absolutely horrendous that I caused so many issues and that I can't seem to do anything to fix them.  And I hate that it doesn't seem like I care.  About any of it.  Because I do.  The rest of the conversation between Katy and I didn’t go all that differently than the first part, but we came to the conclusion that we’d take a break this summer.  It’s a good idea in theory, I’m just afraid that 1 of 2 things will happen.  It’s going to be awkward between us, or we’ll pretend that everything’s fine.  I don’t like either of those choices.

I take full responsibility for this year and for how difficult things have been.  I tore myself up after Katy left, and I came to a lot of conclusions, all negative towards me, but I also tried to figure out what I need to do to get my shit together.  I obviously didn’t try hard enough to make the friendships with Erin and Katy work.  I obviously didn’t put in enough effort.  I obviously was too self centered to make anything work.  I need to put in the work and effort into fixing myself, and then I can put in the work and effort into saving those relationships.  I have to better myself regardless, since I CANNOT continue the way I've been going, but it's imperative if I want a shot at making anything better with Erin and Katy.  After today's text convo with Erin, I don't think that'll happen, but maybe.  Maybe I can fix things.

After I ripped myself a new one, Victoria called and asked if they could start moving stuff in.  I was all packed and ready to go, so I said they could.  Scout got to say bye to one of her friends that I didn’t know about until minutes before, and then we set off.  I was pretty upset at myself and in no mood to meet new boys, so I passed Devon’s apartment and headed home.  That's what I do.  When I'm upset, I run away.  I go for a drive, I sit in the garage, or I go home.  I tried explaining to my mom why I was so upset, but 1, I can’t explain things very well, and 2, my mom just doesn’t get it.  After some Advil, some food, and some TV, I was good as new.

I think I’m choosing between these three.  I have until the end of summer to figure it out.

Back to the Start

Live and Let Go

Catastrophe

May 30

Crying myself to sleep is getting really old.  I would be so happy if I could go 4+ days without it happening.
Today was long and I would have liked to have spent it outside, but it's okay that I didn't.
I meant to wake up at 6:30 so I could get some work done, but I ended up sleeping until 9:30 and then my mom got here at 10.  It was nice to see her, but she didn't stay for very long.  We loaded up the car and then she was gone by 11.  I meant to start working on my paper at that point, but I didn't end up starting until 12:30.  I couldn't focus.  Then I left to go meet with my COM group, but that didn't work out the way it was supposed to.
Because it was Memorial Day, the library and the CCB were closed.  We ended up going to Nicolai's apartment to work on everything.  I was able to get in a writing zone and busted out my portion of our paper.  And I helped the boys' with theirs.  And Lynn sent us her part, but it was straight up plagiarized, so I rewrote it.  I definitely put in the most work, but I don't really mind.  As far as our presentation,  I have no clue how that's going to go.
I got back later than expected, watched a movie, and then just chillaxed for a while.  I think I might go to bed soon, even though it's before midnight.  Weird.

Everything will work out.

May 29

Holy. Cow.
My body is sooo tired, but my mind is not.  Perfect.
I woke up early so I could get started on packing before my dad got here, but I couldn't help but stay in bed longer than I was supposed to.  I didn't sleep in until 2 this time, so I guess that's something.  I got a little bit  of packing done before my dad showed up, but not much.  I told him I still had tons to do, so he opted to wash my car while I packed some more and made us lunch.  It was kind of cute.  My dad sort of helped me pack, but not really.  He taped up boxes and talked to me the whole time.  I couldn't believe how much stuff I had.  It was incredible.  And he brought up grad school again.  But this time I told him what my potential plan was.  Cal Arts.  And to my surprise, he wasn't totally against it.  He said to get all the information I needed and to ask my advisor about some others school where I could get an MFA.  Supportive.  By the time everything was packed and the truck was loaded up, it was almost 6.  The truck he rented wasn't all that big, so he was able to take all the furniture and a few boxes, but there were plenty left over.  My mom's coming in the morning to pick those up.
After my dad left, I needed to take a break.  I was already so tired.  I allowed myself to do nothing for an hour, and then I ventured off to get some food.  I should've just went to Pavilions, but I went all the way to Sbux.  As I was walking in, I ran into one of the regulars, Jon.  Hes a grad student and normally spends hours sitting at the bar working on film stuff, but I never see him at school or anywhere outside of Sbux.  He did a double take when he looked and me and was happy when he realized who I was.  Whenever we would talk when I was working, our conversations would normally have plenty of awkward moments, but in a cute way.  Today was no different.  I felt gross and tired and looked gross and tired, but felt much better when Jon said, "Not to be awkward, but I really like your hair," in the middle of our conversation.  It was cute.  After we got our drinks, he accompanied me to CVS and then we parted ways.  Made my day.
When I got home, I ate, rested for a second, and then worked on getting all the boxes that were dispersed around the house into the garage.  That took more energy than I was planning and I'm definitely going to  be sore tomorrow.  I should've stopped at that point, but I got ambitious and went to town on the floors.  Swept, Swiffered (dry and wet), and mopped.  The new tenants are getting the place in way better shape than I did.
I have a paper to write, by 2 o'clock tomorrow, but I physically cannot do the research and write it tonight.  My body hurts and my mind is in too many places.  My inability to focus was really bad today.  My dad was talking to me, and I was trying really really hard to focus, but my head felt cloudy.  Not like stuffy or anything like that, but cloudy.  My thoughts were all blurred together and I couldn't concentrate.  It sucks.  And right now, I've been thinking for hours, and trying hard to concentrate, so now I have a headache.  No good.  I'm starting to think that maybe I should've just gone home for June.  I would've had to commute half of the month, but I'd be saving money on food and rent.  I don't know.  Commuting would've been a pain though.  And Katy and I were texting, so I was thinking about our friendship again.  I haven't figured out what's going on with that yet.  But we're talking on Tuesday, so I think that'll be good.  I know exactly what I want our friendship to be, I just don't know if that's what it should be or even if it can be that way.  Hopefully Tuesday will clear some things up.

Everything's going to work out.

May 28

As planned, I slept in.  Til 11.  I was awake for a little bit, but then had the urge to fall asleep again, so I really didn't wake up until 2.  It was awesome.
The rest of my day consisted of packing and cleaning the house.  Not the best way to spend a Saturday, but it needed to be done.  And while I was organizing stuff, I couldn't help but to stop and read old notes, cards, and post its.  It made me happy and sad at the same time.  They brought back a lot of great memories, but I'm sad that those are a thing of the past.  I don't think I'll ever get those back.
I spent some time talking to my mom tonight, too.  Mostly about the game plan for tomorrow, but we caught up some too.  She's still super against me taking antidepressants and is convinced her acupuncturist can "fix me right up."  I really don't think there's anything that can "fix me."  I'm not something that can be cured.  I'm sure with the right combination of drugs, support, effort, and pixie dust I can be better, but fixed won't happen.  I'm damaged goods.  I just need to learn how to deal with it.

Everything will work out.

May 27

I think today was my last real day of class.  We'll see.
I stopped by sbux to pick up my last paycheck and to grab something to drink.  I keep thinking that I should've just stayed through the summer.  I just got a raise, and at least I'd have money coming in.  But I hated it.  But I'm going to miss most of the people I worked with.  But I need a break.
Motive was kind of a pain today.  Erin had me on an impossible task and didn't understand what a big job it was.  She kind of scolded me about how long it was taking, but I tried really hard not to let it get to me.  I teared up a little bit, but then I realized how stupid it was and how that wasn't going to fix anything, so I just tried harder to get it done as quickly as possible.
Before coming home, I stopped by the bank, Ralphs, and school.  My new parking permit should have come in by now, but it hasn't.  My temporary one expired today, but it's not like DPS checks or anything.  I'll be fine.  I was planning on seeing Rango at school, but I was pretty tired and I didn't feel like going by myself, so I skipped it and went home instead.
I chillaxed, watched some Netflix, talked to Daniel, and surfed around for a while.
I'm going to bed and I'm going to sleep in.  It'll be great.

Everything's going to work out.

May 26

Doing my homework this morning actually worked.  I woke up on time, read, slept for 20 minutes, then busted out a paper before getting ready for school, taking out the trash, and then going to class.  Unfortunately, I had to give a presentation in class today since I didn't go yesterday, but I think I did okay.  I wasn't prepared in the slightest, but I think it sounded like I knew what I was talking about.  We got out a little early, so I met with my group about our case study project and then I came home and crashed.  Hard.  Not as bad as Tuesday, but almost.
I was supposed to go out to dinner with Jesse, Maddie, and Yeltsin, but Maddie and Jesse forgot, so we called it off and are planning to try again next week.  I was pretty bummed since I was looking forward to getting out of the house.  I hate being here.  It's so lonely and sad.  I'm enjoying the time to sleep, definitely, but being awake is a bummer.  I'm glad that I don't have to be here alone much longer, but I also don't want to leave.  I haven't been gone from here for more than 2 days this whole year.  But it has to happen.  I don't know how this next month is going to turn out and I don't know how the 12 months after that will turn out either.  Everything just feels so up in the air.  Everything.  I want to know.
I tried watching a few movies after I read what I needed to for class, but none of them were grabbing my attention.  It was partly because they weren't very good and partly because my brain will not focus on anything.  It was getting me down today for the first time in a while.  I mean, I've been down lately, since that kind of seems to be my default setting unfortunately, but thought process wise, it hasn't resulted in me getting down on myself.  But tonight was different.  I can't even pinpoint exactly what caused it since I can't focus on ANYTHING, but there was something going on in my brain that made me sad.  But Scout's ready for bed, so I should probably be too.

May 25

This morning did not go well in any way, shape, or form.
I was supposed to get up at 5, but I ended up getting up at 6.  When 8 rolled around, I was only about halfway done with my paper.  Scout convinced me that it was okay to close my eyes for 2 minutes, but 2 minutes turned into 3 hours.  I missed class, my paper wasn't done, and I woke up late for my internship.  I was stressing out to the max.
I got ready as quickly as I could and booked it to Santa Monica.  Before, when my mind wouldn't shut up, it would stew over things and over analyze them to no end and I would just end up getting mad at the world/myself or get super depressed.  Lately, when my mind doesn't shut up, it's like a pinball machine.  I can't focus on a subject for very long, and the subjects are varied.  I don't get mad or super down, but I get confused and frustrated.   I don't know which is worse.  Probably being mad at the world.  So on my drive to Motive, I couldn't focus on anything.  And that was stressful.
When I got to Motive, I actually had things to do, but I was able to get my paper done in between the real things I had to do.  I even ended up staying late to get extra stuff done.
After I was done at Motive, I was supposed to go out to dinner with Jordan, but we changed plans and I went over to her place instead.  We caught up on each other's lives while Stephanie was downstairs watching TV, I helped make dinner, and then the three of us had some quality time eating dinner and watching a movie.  It was really nice and relaxing.  And I missed Jordan.  I hadn't seen her since before graduation and it was really really nice to talk to her.  I'm glad she's still going to be around this next year.  It would have sucked to lose my SM.
I came home to find that Erin had come to pick up some things and I got ready for bed.
And even though I have homework, I'm going to bed.  That plan obviously has not been working, but I'm going to try anyway.

May 24

Today was a huge mistake.

I had an even harder time staying awake in class this morning than I had yesterday morning.  I was looking at my notes afterwards, and they make no sense and everything's spelled wrong.  I had a quick convo with my dad when I got out and finally made an appointment to go to the doctor.  I was supposed to go last week, but I'm going next week instead.
I was home by 11, finished a movie I had started on Saturday while waiting up for Daniel, and then I crashed.  I figured since I wasn't working today, napping was allowed, and necessary, and I would have plenty of time to do my 5 page research paper when I woke up.  I woke up around 5, didn't start my paper, and then crashed again around 7 and didn't wake up until 10.  Whoops.  Instead of starting my paper at that point, I watched Glee.
It's now midnight and I have yet to do research or write any of my paper.  Or make a handout for the class.  This whole summer school thing isn't working out.  I have been incredibly unmotivated and too tired to do anything.  I figured after taking 8 summers of class, a 9th wouldn't be a big deal.  Maybe I'm just over it.  I definitely need a break.  I've been going non-stop with work and school since last summer.  Really, no breaks.  No winter break, no spring break.  Non. Stop.  I just need to make it through next Friday and I'll be golden.

Now, instead of writing my paper, I'm going to bed.
Awful choice?  Most definitely.

May 23

I don't understand how I can be so tired all day, and then when I'm finally able to go to bed, I'm not sleepy.  I don't get it.

Daniel and I woke up early so we could say our goodbyes and so that Daniel left with enough time to get back to school.  I wish I was able to spend more time with him this weekend.  It was a shame that I had to work for most of yesterday.
Staying awake during class was definitely a struggle and my eyes were doing that cross-eyed thing they do when I'm really really tired.  No good.  We didn't get a whole lot done in class since we had some pretty good discussions going on, but we still got out early.  I stopped by Starbucks to get some caffeine to wake me up for the rest of the day, but it didn't really do the trick.  I really had nothing to do at Motive this afternoon, so being bored allowed my sleepiness to creep up on me.  I was able to get some personal stuff taken care of and I looked for houses and internships, so my time wasn't completely wasted.  It just would have been so much better had I been sleeping that whole time.  I had real stuff to do during my last hour, but it didn't make up for the first 5.
After Motive, I set out for school and then set out to meet Katy for dinner.  I hadn't really given much thought to it until I started driving through the canyon.  I was definitely nervous about how it was going to go.  I was really afraid that it was going to be awkward and uncomfortable and at one point I thought about bailing.  But that was only for a split second and I could never do that to Katy.  Fortunately, I thought dinner went really well.  It took me a little bit to shake the nerves, but after that, I had a really nice time talking to Katy and eating real food.
As soon as I pulled back onto the canyon, I started thinking.  Dinner went really well and it wasn't weird between us, but I still think there's things about our friendship that we need to address before we try to make things better.  If we try and make things better.  I'm definitely willing to make things better.  I think that'd be great.  I just can't pretend that everything's been fine to this point in order for that to happen, because it hasn't.  I have a lot of apologizing to do.  And I need to get my ish together.
I stopped by Starbucks to pick up my tips and I wasn't surprised that Tim gave me more flack for my neck.  He called me out on it when I got to work yesterday, which was called for since it was pretty bad, but it wasn't nearly as bad today.  He's probably just jealous.  And I'm really glad Maddie covered it up yesterday.  It was embarrassing.
After I got home, I tried to do the loads of reading I had to do, but I just couldn't do it.  My mind couldn't focus and make sense of what was written on the page.  After reading paragraphs multiple times and realizing I wasn't retaining anything, I gave up and watched The Secret Life instead.  And I chatted with Daniel on fb for a little bit.  He is so sweet and I miss him already.  It was really nice having him around, even if it was just for a day.  Who's going to wrap me in their arms tonight?

May 22

Daniel showed up late last night and we ended up staying up til 4.  No good.
But we stayed in bed until 11, so it kind of evened out.
I tried writing my paper for COM but that didn't work.
Work wasn't anything special, except it was my last shift.
I thought for sure Erin would visit since she asked when I was working, but she didn't.
I came home, showered, and then ventured out to Pinks with Daniel.
Probably a bad idea, but it was fun.
I just finished my paper and now I'm going to bed.

May 21

Nothing really happened today, which is a slight problem.
I worked this afternoon, came home, was supposed to clean the bathroom and do homework, but I cleaned the bathroom and watched 2 movies instead.  I need to go to bed, but I'm waiting up for Daniel.  He should be here any minute.

May 20

Today has been so long.
I'm too tired to write all about it, but there's so much to write about.
This morning didn't go the way it should have, I woke up late, but still early, and had to rush through my essays and didn't get to study.  My midterm was kind of difficult.
My internship was stupid today because I did the work someone else could have done more quickly and easily.
I came home, made ribs, and hosted Maddie, Tim, and Jesse.  We drank, ate, played Monopoly, and had a great time.  Yeltsin came over towards the end too.  So much fun.
I just finished watching a movie for class and now I need to go to bed.

May 19

Thankfully, I fell asleep quickly, I only cried a little bit this time, but I had to wake up early to finish my homework.  I woke up later than I wanted to, but I cranked out my paper and got to school on time.  Class was taught by groups today and we reviewed a little for our midterm.

I got home early, and had intended on getting a lot of ish done before going into work at 4:45, but I fell asleep instead.  I needed it, but it kind of screwed me over.

Work went well, and it went by pretty quick.  I think it was because I had been working 8 hour shifts and this one was only 6.  And Katy stopped in the last few minutes we were open, so it was nice seeing her.  I felt a little awkward and didn't really know how I was supposed to act, but I think it went okay.  I think we'll be okay.

I got home around 11, got settled in, showered, and got ready to write my essays and study for my midterm, but I think I'm going to go to bed and just wake up early to do them.  Hopefully it works out.  It's worked out before.

May 18

Last night was rough.  I felt pathetic sobbing alone in my empty house.  And having it echo was just a reminder of how lonely I was.  It sucked.  I needed support more than anything.  I just needed to be held and told that everything was going to be okay.  I wanted to talk to Katy.  I needed to talk to her.  But I couldn't.  It was late and we don't have that kind of relationship established.  We never did.  And now that she's gone, I can't just expect it to turn into that kind of relationship.  Katy told me she couldn't be my on call therapist, but that's what I needed last night.  Come to think of it, best friends should be there when you need them no matter what.  If you need them to be your best friend, on call therapist, roommate, or mommy, then that's what they should be.  I needed Katy to be all of those things sometimes.  Most of the time.  But I understand that it grew incredibly tiresome when I wasn't accepting or reciprocating.  I understand that I wasn't being the friend she needed me to be, so she had/has no reason to be the friend I needed her to be.

I understand these concepts, and I see what I'm doing wrong, but I just can't seem to execute the right way of being a friend.  It's sad.  I've been stuck in my ways for too long and I can't seem to get out of the pattern.  I can't break the wall down.  And I haven't let anyone else break it down.  And now I feel like I've put up an ever thicker wall.

I woke up late for class, but I was able to get in on time.  The lecture was interesting and we finished the class off with an episode of Glee.  It was relevant.  Really.  After class I headed over to Motive and did intern-y stuff until 6 and then I met up with Laura to look at prospective houses and go see Bridesmaids. Bridesmaids was super funny, but staying out until midnight wasn't wise.  I had a lot of fun with Laura, but I don't feel any more comfortable about living with her.  I'm sure it'll be fine, but I want it to be great.  It wasn't what I originally wanted, I originally wanted to stay with Katy, but since that obviously isn't happening and I couldn't find something on my own, I need to make the best out of this situation.  It'll be fine.  I just need a roof over my head.

I read half of what I needed to for class and I'm waking up early to write a paper.  Hopefully I actually wake up this time.

May 17

I've been having a really hard time falling asleep as of late.  I have too many thoughts in my head and I keep trying to organize them in a way that makes sense, but I can't.  If I were to write them down or explain them, I don't think it would make sense and it wouldn't be in the order I would want it to be in.  But everything that's in my head, everything I'm thinking and feeling, I need to get out.  It's overwhelming.  It's always been overwhelming.  The breakdowns have to stop.  I'm not strong enough.  Trying to write about it on here and crying about it by myself isn't helping.  I don't know how I would be dealing if I wasn't medicated.  My mom asked me about my antidepressants yesterday.  I told her my doctor prescribed them when it happened, and she just told me she wouldn't take them if I were her.  She asked if I had started taking them and I lied and said "Not yet."  Her response was, "Good.  Don't start.  Drink a beer or something.  Shoot, I rather have you smoke out than take antidepressants.  Just smoke a joint and chill out."  Thanks, Mom.  She doesn't get it.

I've never felt like I've been understood.  Ever.  But that's my fault, again.  I don't let people get to know me.  Not even my family.  It's terrible.  I feel like I can't be who I really am with anyone.  I don't even know who I am anymore.  I'm becoming that shell of a person.  That facade.  Maybe that's all I'll ever be.  Maybe I'm incapable of having deep meaningful relationships that I've always longed for.  It's a deep underlying connection that I want.  That I need.  The comfort of knowing you can tell that person everything and not worry about being judged.  They're the first person you tell when something exciting happens, or when something scary happens.  The person you turn to when you need to vent.  The person you can laugh at because they will just laugh back at you.  The person you need to tell things to so your brain doesn't explode.  The person who can make you feel better when you're having a tough day.  The one you turn to for advice.  The person you can have full conversations with by merely exchanging glances.  I need that person in my life.  I want to be that person in someone's life.  I just don't know if I'm capable of letting someone be that person for me.  And I don't think I'm strong enough of a person to be that person for somebody else.  My heart is breaking left and right.

School wasn't anything special, but I'm already over this whole waking up early thing.  Just like 3 more weeks.  I'll be fine.  When I came home, I caught up on TV and then cleaned the house some more.  Before I knew it, it was time to go to work.  I was supposed to close with Tim and Cynthia, but Cynthia called in and didn't get anyone to cover her shift.  Thankfully tonight was incredibly slow, so Tim and I had everything under control.

May 16

We never made rock candy.

I was supposed to wake up early to write my reflection paper, but I ended up waking up 45 minutes late.  I ended up not writing my paper and not going to class.  Probably a bad choice, but not going to class is what I do when I don't do my homework.  And not doing my homework is what I do when I can't focus.  And I can't focus when I'm depressed.  And I'm depressed because I ruined things with Erin and Katy.

I left in time to get to my internship but spent most of it looking for houses and emailing Laura and Caroline.  I think we found one that we want, but having it stay available until we want it might be an issue.  But if someone leases it before we get to, then it obviously wasn't meant for us and we'll find someplace better.  I'm sure of it.  Everything happens for a reason, even if the reason isn't apparent for some time.

When I came home, I should have gone sraight to work on my homework, but I didn't.  I cleaned the kitchen instead.  I did dishes, I cleaned the stove, I cleaned the counters, I cleaned the microwave, and I swept the floor.  Everything.  So the kitchen should just need a quick once over when I'm about ready to get out of here.  I should've done my homework when I was done cleaning, but I didn't.  I surfed around and watched SNL instead.  Then I finally wrote my paper at 11 and read for class.  I finished a few minutes ago and now I'm writing this.

My reading for tonight was about communicating ethically in interpersonal relationships, and I've discovered I'm not an ethical person.  I don't communicate ethically in interpersonal relationships.  And it got me thinking about friendships again.  Like, is it worth it to stay friends with Erin and Katy.  I still think it would be easier if we weren't friends, but that's still not what I want.  I want to still be friends with Erin and I want to be best friends with Katy.  I want to have that deep friendship that we've talked about.  Only after this year, I don't know if I can let that happen.  I'll want to create that relationship, only I think I'm going to be far too hurt to let my guard down.  To trust.  To love.  With anyone.  I just don't know.  I'm hurting and I don't know if that will ever go away.  I think it's my fault, and I probably won't ever forgive myself, but Erin and Katy hurt me too.  I don't know how and if I can forgive them.  I'll need to if we're going to have strong friendships.

May 15

I still can't believe it.

I slept in until noon today and it was great. I spent a good chunk of the afternoon just sitting around, instead of doing my homework, and then went to work the closing shift at the bux. Nothing exciting happened except a visit from Jason Statham. He called me "doll".

I came home to an empty house, showered, read, and now I'm going to bed. I'm waking up early to write my paper. Poor choice? Maybe.

May 14

It took me forever to fall asleep. I was just too emotional and had too much going on in my mind. I was conflicted again. I was conflicted all day. Last night I was sad and hurt. Today, I was mad and hurt. I don't know if that's how I should have felt, but that's what happened.

Work was rough until my lunch. I was barely chugging along, but then when I just had 2 of my 8 hours left, I was fine. And it was slow today, so that probably had something to do with it.

I probably should have done homework when I got home, but I didn't. I surfed around online, caught up on TV, looked for places to live, and then watched a movie. I should probably try and sleep though. Without crying. Right.

May 13

Last night didn’t go the way I was expecting it to and I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Regardless, I don’t feel satisfied. My goodbye to Erin was fine. I said bye and we hugged and that was it. I think Chris was asleep when I said goodnight and goodbye to him and Katy, so that didn’t work out so well, and Katy just said that she’ll still see me. I think I was hoping for more validation or something. After all, it was our last night as roommates. We’ve spent three years together, and now it’s over. I wanted it to be more than what it was. But I wanted our friendship to be more than what it was too. But that’s life.

Class this morning wasn't anything special. We went through a lecture, did a case study, and then had a quiz. We got out early, so I made it to Santa Monica at 11 and ended up chillin' in Sbux for a while before going into Motive. Before I even walked in, I had a million things to do for a million different people. And it was my turn to go out and get lunch for everyone. It kinda sucked. And I decided I don't like Gab. Even if she was a Wave for a second. Everyone was leaving, so I ended up getting out of there at 5:30.

I had in my head for a while that I didn't want to be around when Erin and Katy were packing up their things and moving out, I didn't think my heart could take it, so I stopped by Starbucks so I wouldn't risk going home to cars being loaded up. I ended up staying there til about 8 and then went to Payson for a little bit and got a tiny bit of homework done. I figured home was safe by 9.

It was dark when I walked in, and when I turned out the lights, the house looked so sad and empty. 98% of Erin and Katy's things were gone. I couldn't help but cry. It was then that I really needed validation. A text goodbye. A note. A post-it. Something. I needed something. It's like they never existed. It's like we never lived together. I didn't think they were that sick of me. I don't really know how I feel about the situation. I know I didn't want to be here and I know I don't want to hear about their living situation because I'm hurt and bitter, but I still care about them. I cared about our relationships with each other and I feel like today reflected that they didn't. They just left. They're gone. My roommates are gone. They aren't my roommates anymore. They will never be my roommates again. No more pillow fluffing. My best friends are gone. My best friend is gone. I don't even know if I even deserve to call her that. I probably don't. I wasn't much of a friend to her.

I'm even more heartbroken, but I mean, I brought it upon myself. I should've been the person I wanted to be. I should've been the person they wanted me to be.

I never wanted it to be like this.

There's so much I wish I could have said to both of them before they left. So much I needed to say. So much I needed to explain.

I don't know what's going to happen next. I don't know what our relationships will be like. Will we be friends? Will we be acquaintances? Will things be better? Worse? I don't know, but I'm scared. I need some sort of idea. I don't like not knowing.

It's all my fault.

I fuck everything up and end up abandoned. Always.

Katy said she didn't want to be added to the list of people who have abandoned me, but that's kind of how I feel as of right now. Erin and Katy rejected me, and now they've left and they're going to start over. I hope they're happy. They weren't happy here, so I hope things are much better with their new roommates. I hope they can make up for what I took away. For what I ruined. I can accept not being part of their lives if it makes them happy, but that doesn't make me happy. It breaks my heart.

This past year and a half has been so incredibly hard for me, but I made it more difficult by not reaching out. For not accepting the support offered. I understand that. But things have gone too far. I know my life definitely is not the worst, but it's been rough. Mentally and emotionally, I'm WAY beyond drained.

I can't take it anymore...

May 12

Class today wasn’t anything special. We finished the movie we started yesterday, went through a lecture, and then we got out a few minutes early. I called Amariah when I was out and confirmed I was quitting. Not so painful. Then I met my dad for lunch. He actually had a lot of good things to say and I got my new car. It’s awesome and I love it. It’s essentially my old Accord, but with 45K miles and it looks brand new. It’s great. I moved some things around when I got home to make the move for Erin and Katy easier and then went to work. Not too shabby. Tim let me go home a little early, right at 10, so I showered, did homework, said goodbye to Erin, and then surfed around for a while. I’m about to go say bye to Chris and Katy. Surreal. I can’t believe they’re leaving.

May 11

1 year as a barista. Never thought that would happen.

Class today was alright. Nothing too special. We started watching a movie, so that was cool I guess. It seems interesting.

We went the full time, so I went straight to Motive after we got out. There was a lot of sitting around today, but I did get to do some photo editing. And some paper sorting. I actually really like organizing stuff.

After I got home I got my homework done and then we all went on a burger run. The last one. Ever? Hopefully not. This year? Definitely. It was actually a lot of fun and I didn't feel awkward or anything. Meds? I don't know.

But I should probably get to bed soon.

May 10

I have little to say today.

I went to class.

I came home and napped.

I went to work.

Work was slow after Happy Hour.

I came home and showered.

I read for class while cuddling with Scout.

I'm typing this with one hand because I'm holding a cat with my other one.

May 9

I can't believe this is happening. Not even a week left with Erin and Katy.

School went well this morning, except I realized that all of my COM and ADV friends were seniors. I was in senior classes because, technically, I was a senior, but now I'm left with no friends. Really though. My best ones are leaving me. In a matter of days. Well, my best one. I wouldn't consider Erin one of my best ones after the way things have gone down this semester. Anyway, we got out early, like way early, so I came back and napped with Scout for little bit before going to my internship. I pretty much scanned stuff the whole time. But I got free lunch, so that was nice.

When I came home, I pretty much just staked my claim upstairs and stayed there. I watched Kick Ass and got some reading done and then Katy came up and asked if we could deep fry things. She read my mind. I probably shouldn't have taken a break, a shouldn't have watched a movie either, but I did. I'm glad I did. Katy, Chris, and I deep fried some Oreos and some Snickers in the deep fryer. They didn't come out just right, but they were still rather tasty.

I came back upstairs when we were done and finished up my homework. I was tired all day and was hoping to get to bed early, but that didn't really happen. I guess it's still kind of early. It's not 1 yet.

May 8

It was Mother's Day today, but I didn't get to spend it with my mommy. I talked to her on the phone for a second though, and that's always nice. And sleeping in until 11 was nice too. I only woke up a couple of times, and that didn't start until 6. I was able to get all my laundry done and had plenty of chillaxing time before going into work at 3:30.

When I started, it was me, Jesse, Hady, Jason, and Amariah. Then Maddie showed up after Hady and Amariah left. I love working with Maddie since she's silly and makes the shift go by quickly, but she doesn't work. It was tonight, so picking up her slack wasn't a big deal. And Tim came in towards the end of the shift and was super high and was ultra flirty. He kept saying that I'd be his one day and that creeped me out a little.

I start school in the morning, so I should probably get to bed.

May 7

I didn't sleep well again. I'm thinking it's either my new medication or knowing that I have to wake up in the morning. I'm not sure.

Anyway, I woke up to go into work for a full shift, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I worked with all boys, except Amber for the first 20 minutes, and I got to work with Chris for the first time. I liked it. He was fun to work with. I finally was able to leave right after 6, stopped by CVS, and then headed home and was determined to talk to Katy. I figured if I didn't do it tonight, it was never going to happen since Chris is starting to stay over starting tomorrow and then she's moving out. But when I got home, Erin and Katy were talking, so I knew it wasn't going to happen tonight.

However, we all got to spend the evening together. We had dinner together, conversed afterwards, and then decided to watch a movie. I only felt a little left out. Cameron came over for the movie, so that was nice. He and Erin were bickering most of the time, which was funny and uncomfortable at the same time. After the movie and some bickering, we watched SNL. I was excited since Ellie Goulding was the musical guest, but she didn't bring it. I think she was nervous. I felt bad and I was mad that Erin and Cameron were critiquing her, but I guess that's not really her element. Better luck next time I guess.

May 6

I went to bed kind of early, but I didn't sleep very well. I kept waking up every 2 hours, so I was tired the whole day. I finally woke up for real around 9:15ish and got ready for my day. I left a little early for my internship so I could stop by Devon's apartment and sign the lease. I think it's going to weird, but fun. And the views are AMAZING.

Motive was real chill today. Nobody wanted to be there, so everyone took it easy. And we took an hour and a half lunch at P.F. Changs. Awesome.

Because nobody was doing anything, we all left early. I was planning on going to the movie screening at 7:40 in TO, but I was too tired and didn't feel like concentrating, so I didn't go. Katy got home a little after I did and informed me that Taylor, one of her new roommate's would be staying with us tonight and then said Chris would be staying with us for the week too. I had a mini panic attack, but was able to make it through my show before going for a quick drive the to beach to park and think thing through. I was determined to talk to Katy when I got back, but I didn't. I watched a movie instead.

Then Erin came home. She originally said she was moving out this weekend, but texted me earlier saying she's moving out next weekend instead. Katy let me know she's moving out too. It's terribly sad. First one in, last one out. I wonder if I'll see them before they leave...

After I got ready for bed I still thought about talking to Katy, but I didn't. If I don't do it tomorrow, it's not going to happen. Chris will be here and then she's leaving for good. That's it. We'll never live together again. Wow. It hasn't really hit me yet, but when it does, I think it's going to hurt.

May 5

Drowning out the world didn't work and I broke down. Big time. It got to the point where I was thinking about hurting myself. But I realized that was a really bad idea, so then I started analyzing exactly how depressed I'd been feeling. Big stuff.

I woke up early this morning to go to a doctor's appointment to check up on my back and to talk about my depression. He gave me a business card of a local therapist and put me on antidepressants. After that I turned in stuff at school, picked up a police report, went to Albertsons, and then headed off to Disneyland.

The drive getting there was rough and I cried most of it, but once I stepped out of my car, I was so happy. I was a little worried that going to Disneyland alone would suck, but it was actually really really nice. And then Daniel showed up at 2 and made it that much better. I always enjoy spending time with him. The park closed at 8, so we got to spend a few hours together before parting ways.

I was extremely drowsy from my antidepressant by the time I got home, so I chatted with Erin for a second and then showered and got ready for bed. Katy's not home yet, but I don't think I should be worried. Erin said she doesn't know where she is, so I'm sure she isn't worried either. I'm going to bed asap.

May 4

I should really get to bed. It's late and I have to wake up in like 6 hours.

My internship went well today.

I watched tv and a movie when I got home.

Josh was over. And is spending the night.

Chris came over and is probably spending the night since he and Katy are still downstairs.

I'm about to go grab my i-pod so I can drown out the world.

May 3

I don't really remember what time I woke up, but I feel like I was able to sleep in for a little bit. Then I made my way downstairs, made some cinnamon rolls for breakfast and chatted with Brittni for a bit before making my way back upstairs to watch some TV. Katy came up and said that she and Erin were gonna go to Starbucks and CVS and then head to the pool, and since I was heading to the pool anyway and I figured spending time with them would be a good idea, I said I'd go.

It probably wasn't a good idea. It's becoming more and more apparent to me that I don't know how to be friends with them. They seem so close and they seem to work so well together, and I'm just there. I feel like I have nothing to contribute to their conversations, so I don't even try to give input. We made it down to the pool a little after 1 and I just felt more uncomfortable. I want us all to be friends and be happy, but that isn't working. But Erin and Katy seem happy together, so 2 out of 3 isn't so bad. And I want them to be happy, so that's good. But then I started thinking again. I want them to be happy and I think an easy way of doing that is to cut their losses completely and just not be friends with me. I wouldn't be happy and that's not what I want, but I think it would work. With Erin, I feel like even if I try to be friends with her, it's not going to do any good because she gave up on me a long time ago and I think she's pretty set in her ways. So if I'm going to fight a battle that can't be won, what's the point? With Katy, it's a little more complicated. I feel like we both have so much invested in this friendship that completely giving up isn't really an option we want to pursue, but I think being friends with me is draining her so much, she'd be happier if I just wasn't part of her life anymore. It hurts me to think these things, but I... I just don't know. I'm so conflicted. "You're better off." "Do what you gotta do." "They aren't worth it." "You don't need them." I've been ignoring all of that until now. What if everyone was right? What if I am better off? I think they'd be better off without me, but what's going to happen to me? I want them in my life and I want to be friends with them.

I ended up crying by the pool thinking about everything and beat myself up for the rest of the day. I can't keep doing that. If I keep going the way I'm going, I'll end up as a shell of a person with no friends. That's not what I want. I want to have a real friendship with someone. Anyone. I need one of those. Desperately. I hate that I have yet to allow myself to have that connection with someone. I hate that my fear has been holding me back. I hate that my insecurities have been holding me back. I hate that my depression has taken over my life and has kept me from enjoying so much. I hate that I've driven my best friends away.

I cried about it on my way to work and I cried about it on my lunch break. It's too much to process on my own. I need to talk to someone about it. Badly.

Work wasn't the greatest, but it wasn't terrible. I got home around 11, showered, and then chatted with Katy and Brittni before coming up for bed.

May 2

I don't feel like writing.

But today went well.

I started my internship which was mostly filling out Excel Spreadsheets, but I got to play around on Facebook for a little bit too. That was the best part. And listening to Ellie Goulding with Becca. I think I'm going to like her. Only she kind of reminds me of Shelby.

I spent the rest of the day/evening with Katy and Brittni. We make big kid milk shakes, watched a movie, went grocery shopping, watched Dimitri Martin, watched Exit Through the Gift Shop, and now we're going to bed.

May 1

Today was kind of all over the spectrum in terms of good and bad.

I woke up earlier than I had intended, but it was totally okay. I ended up spending about 2 hours tanning by the pool, despite the wind, and got some extra chillaxing time in. I should have been productive and got stuff ready for my internship, but I wanted to be lazy.

Then I left to go turn in my rental car around 3:20. Traffic was gross, but my dad and I got to Budget at pretty much the same time. I turned in my Carolla and got an Altima instead. Upgrade. We were supposed to go out to eat and we were planning on Paradise Cove, but traffic was terrible, there was no parking, and the wait was much too long, so that didn't happen. My dad cried about not being able to eat together. We had dropped Jen and Emme off to put our name down for the wait, but since there was no parking, we had to get out of there and then go back and get them. That was a journey in itself. We picked them up on the side of the road, but Jen wasn't all the way in the car and my dad told me to go, so I moved up a little bit, and the Jen lost it. "I'm not in the fucking car! Shit! I wasn't in the God damn car!" She yelled at me. My dad didn't apologize. Jen didn't apologize. I apologized. I apologize for everything. I took them back to my dad's car, they went to dinner and I got ready for work.

I wasn't looking forward to work since the past two days had royally sucked, and I especially wasn't looking forward to it when I saw that Amariah would be closing with us, but it was actually a really really good shift. It wasn't busy and I was closing with Yeltsin and Jesse. We were being silly and Amariah was just kind of there doing her own ish, so it worked out really well.

When I came home Katy, Erin, and Brittni were downstairs being cute and having a great time, so I went upstairs to shower and start on my internship stuff so I wouldn't bother them. They sounded so happy. I didn't want to ruin it. I'm glad Katy has a friend like Brittni. A best friend. I'm sad she's leaving for so long though. Katy needs someone like her. But maybe Erin will become that person for her. They already seem pretty close and I'm sure they'll just get closer next year.

I was more torn than ever about next year this afternoon. Part of me thinks that it would just be easier for everyone if we just went completely separate ways and didn't continue to be friends. But another part of me feels awful about thinking that and wants nothing more than to make those relationships better than they ever were. At least with Katy. I think Erin's a lost cause. I think we'll be friendly with each other, but I don't think we'll be friends. I don't feel like we've been friends for a while.

April 30

I ended up going to implode on the couch downstairs last night. I was texting Katy about it, I always do that, and it wasn't any help. It never is. I think it just strained our relationship more. I'm the problem and I can't seem to fix anything. I make everything worse. Always.

It was incredibly windy this morning, to the point where it kept waking me up and I thought our house was going to fall in. It didn't. But I did wake up one last time to get ready for work.

Oh, work. It was Pepperdine's graduation, so it was incredibly busy all day. It wasn't fun and I wasn't okay with it. I felt loopy for a long time and really dizzy, but there was a point in the afternoon that just was awful. It was way too busy and everyone was flustered. And then the boys were making fun of me because I was visually and verbally showing that I was flustered. I'm always the calm and collected one that's in the background and just does what needs to get done. After that rush was over, everyone was pretty much silent. I finally was able to leave and came straight home.

Katy was getting ready to go to the spa with her mom and aunt when I was getting home and Erin was just chillaxing. After some chillaxing of my own, Erin and I chatted about some things. The chat about how I had been feeling didn't go the way I wanted it to and I didn't say nearly all the things I had planned on saying, but whatever. I didn't really feel like she wanted to listen anyway. And her responses didn't seem genuine. But I never talk to Erin about personal stuff, so maybe that's just how she always responds. I don't know. What I do know is that whenever I try to vent to people, I always feel worse than I did before. I'm always more hurt, more mad, more sad, or more confused. Aren't I supposed to be feeling better after venting?

Katy came home and went straight to talk to Erin. I'm trying not to take it personal, but I can't help it. And I'm jealous. I want to talk to Katy about stuff. I can't talk to Katy about my stuff if she doesn't talk to me about her stuff. But I'm sure she feels the same way. I just don't know how to start that cycle. I asked her about her day and everything, and she told me, but she didn't ask me about my day, so I'm not just going to start talking. But maybe I should. I don't know. I mentioned how I talked to Erin and she asked, "How did that go?" I told her it was okay, but I didn't say everything I wanted to say, and that was it. She didn't ask for more, but I needed her to. I need to be pushed.

And tonight was the last night of finals week. Nothing happened. This semester's finals week sucked. I'm pretty sad about it. It was my last real finals week with Katy.