August 3

I had a panic attack last night thinking about what’s going to happen when school starts and I went into full blown catastrophe mode when I got my “reassurance” message.  My conscience was calling me a foolish romantic to think that I could just make things better, if only a little.  I made no difference.  I don’t regret my gesture since it made me happy, but I do feel foolish and embarrassed by it.  I really did think things would get better.  I was too late and I should have known.  I didn’t make a difference.  I might have made things worse.  I did irreparable damage and I don’t think there’s anything I can do to make it better.  I fucked everything up way too much and I just have to deal with the consequences, like losing friends.

I finally stopped crying around 3 and walked around the house saying “I’m okay I’m okay I’m okay,” but I wasn’t.  I was mad at myself.  I needed to get out of the house.  I needed to run away.  I needed a drink.  I needed to hide.  I needed my meds.  I needed to be okay.

I think I’m done.  I don’t want to be, but I don’t think it’s wise to keep trying where my efforts aren’t wanted/won’t do any good.  I can’t fight for something that isn’t there anymore.  Hope isn’t good enough, but at least I can really get on with things now.  At least I tried.  At least I proved how far, literally, I’ll go.  I really do have to start over this year.  I think I’m done blogging too.  It’s been a good run, but it’s caused more harm than good.  And if I need to say something, I should just say it.  No more writing to cyberspace where nobody reads it anyway.

August 2

I was more productive today.  I only spent half of the day on the couch and didn’t watch TV until 9.  I spent the majority working on stuff for the Board.  I am so stoked about it.  It’s a lot of work, but when I was working on my computer, I was just thinking about how much I enjoy doing what I was doing.  That’s great.  No downward spiral here.  And my meds weren’t ready, again, so I’m on day 2 of being un-medicated.  Nothing bad has happened yet.

August 1

I did absolutely nothing today besides sit on the couch, watch TV, and eat.  I feel gross about it.  However, I did venture out to pick up a prescription, but something was wrong, so they weren’t ready.  They should be ready tomorrow.  I guess I’ll just have to keep my fingers crossed that I won’t go into catastrophe mode tomorrow or spiral into the pits of depression.

July 31

I didn’t sleep too well on account that a certain cat woke me up every 2 hours to cuddle.  Cute, but unnecessary.  And the weird dreams continued.  I dreamt about graduation, only it was Cal’s, and I dreamt about a track meet/BOM.  Odd.

Today was extremely chill.  I spent most of it watching “Jersey Shore”, then I watched “The Next Food Network Star,” the “The Glee Project,” took a break to eat, watched “Keeping up with the Kardashians,” and then more of the Shore.  But I was also multi tasking.  I’ve been drawing up multiple concepts for the BOM logo and have been trying to get the just right, and I finally started doing them on the computer.  I didn’t just start, I finished.  I finished 3 designs and now I just need to see which one Courtney likes best and then I can finish with the rest of the promo stuff.  I’m actually really excited about it.  Now I just need to bust out 4 more poster designs plus a calendar before the 19^th and I’m set.

July 30

I cried myself to sleep last night.  I don’t really know why it happened, but I definitely didn’t try to stop it.  I needed to not be in my room, I needed to be in my car or on a drive, but getting out of the house wasn’t going to fly, so I stayed in bed and cried.  I ended up thinking of instances during this past year where I failed as a friend and that just fueled the fire burning within me.  I wasn’t beating myself up, I was just sad that those things had happened.  Quitting ran threw my head again.  It always runs through my head.  Quitting, running away, ignoring, they’re all coward moves.  I don’t want to be a coward anymore.  I’m not quitting.  There are multiple situations in which I need to figure out what I’m doing.  I think I’ve decided to walk away from one of them.  Not quit, but walk away.  I feel as though hanging on isn’t going to do me any good and isn’t wanted of me.  So I guess I’m done with that venture.

Today didn’t go the way I was expecting it to go.  I woke up late, but I really couldn’t help it.  I was up late, crying, and I didn’t want to wake up from the crazy dream I was having.  I figured since I was hanging out with Daniel later, I should actually get ready for the day.  After getting ready, I accidently fell asleep.  I woke up 2 hours later, at 2:30, when Daniel was supposed to pick me up, and got ready for adventuring.  2:30 was actually 4.  I was a little annoyed, but it wasn’t a big deal.  Daniel and I went to the MOCA to see the Art in the Streets exhibit, which I wasn’t in to, but he loved it.  Art museums aren’t really my thing.  I like history museums. 

After we got our fill of street art, we walked over to this ramen place that Daniel’s crazy about.  It wasn’t all that great and I was still hungry, but Daniel was happy and stuffed.  He wanted to go to Olvera Street afterwards, but because we couldn’t find parking, we headed towards home.  I thought he’d just drop me off, but he wasn’t ready to give me up, so we went to the movies and saw Thor.  Not nearly as good as Captain America, but still good.  I still can’t wait to see The Avengers.  I finally got home around 11, ate real food, and I don’t remember what else.

Good day.

July 29

I woke up early so I could get to Motive a little early.  I needed to send in my internship stuff to Ginger by noon, and couldn’t do it from home, so I really had no choice.  It wasn’t a big deal though.  Motive consisted of helping people with their computer problems, doing research, getting Perrier for Erin, and Facebook.  Typical.  But now I’m free.  No more Motive.

Traffic wasn’t too bad, but I thought, as usual.  I’m trying really hard to figure myself out.  I think I’ve figured out how I’ve been, and I didn’t like that person, so now I feel like I’m in this transition period until I figure out who I will be going forward.  I made 10 goals before going to college and I only remember half of them.  Out of those 5, I can still accomplish 3.  Learn how to play ukulele, learn how to surf, and be someone I’m proud of.  The only important one of the list was to be proud of who I am.  I’ve never been proud of myself.  I’ve been proud of my accomplishments and what I’ve done, but I’ve never been proud of myself as a person.  I looked at myself this way:  If I were someone else, I wouldn’t want to be my friend.  By the time I graduate, I want to be proud of who I am, who I’m becoming, and I want to be the type of person I would want to be friends with.  I have the potential to be a great friend.  I just need to actually be one for once.  No more glimpses of greatest.

I came home, took diva for a walk with her new, pretty, pink harness, and then worked on stuff for the Board.  I’m trying to convince myself that I can do this job well, but I just haven’t yet.  I could use a little ego boost, but I don’t want to turn into J-Roz.  Napoleon Complex + huge ego = never good.  The rest of the night consisted of watching hours of “Say Yes to the Dress.”  I can’t wait to get married.  I figure my cousin Tiff is next, and then it’ll be my turn.  I just need to find myself a fella.  How exciting.

July 28

Weird dream last night.  Scooby-Doo meets songfest meets cal meets go-carts meets I don’t know what.  So many people were in it.

I had big plans for today.  I was going to get a lot done.  Scout woke me up at 6, I went back to sleep, I woke up at 10 and then I got ready for my day.  Unfortunately, Lisa was still asleep, or at least still locked up in her room.  Normally that wouldn’t be a problem at all, only this time she was parked behind me in the driveway.  So I couldn’t go anywhere.  I had places to go and things to do.  I was trapped.  She finally left around 1, but that meant my plan of getting to the beach around 11 was definitely not happening.

Most of my afternoon was spent driving.  I drove an hour to Malibu, but the time and distance didn’t really matter.  My mood instantly got better as soon as I hit PCH and I could smell the ocean air.  I told my mom that we should move there, half kidding, and she said we could if I really wanted to.  I want to, but I know better.  We can’t afford it.  We can barely afford our little house.  She’s been promising me for years that we’ll move, that the house will be put together, that we’ll go on vacation, but none of it ever happens.  I’ve learned not to believe her anymore.  It’s unfortunate.  My dad’s full of empty promises, too.  Anyway, Malibu was great and I stopped by school to pick up a Cal Arts info packet, my Ellie tickets, and some checks, and then took care of some stuff at the employment office.  I swung by Starbucks on my way home, but the only cars I recognized were Amber’s and Cynthia’s, so I ended up not going in. 

Even though I left Malibu fairly early, traffic was still gross and took me about 2 hours to get home.  I didn’t do too much thinking, mostly singing, but some stray thoughts about effort did run through my brain.  Before going home, I stopped by the Verizon store to check out some phones finally.  There are 2 that I like, so my mom was going to go in and talk to them about upgrading one of our phones and doing the ol’ switcheru with the numbers.

I did some work for the Board when I got home, took care of some emails, and then just hung out with my mom for the rest of the evening.

July 27

I figure I should start going to bed at a decent time and practice waking up early.  I think I have been going to bed at a decent time for the most part, but waking up has been an issue.  I just really like sleeping.  I meant to wake up at 9 this morning, but 9 turned into 10.  I plan to wake up at 9 again tomorrow, but we’ll see how that goes.

Motive was okay today.  It was my last time working with Grace and Paige, so that was a little sad.  Right away, we had a meeting about marketing strategy, which was interesting, and I helped with some buzzwords, but it wasn’t what I was expecting from Motive.  They’re talking about helping with Ron Paul’s campaign if he chooses to run for president.  I guess they got the political bug from The Undefeated.  The rest of the day consisted of our weekly intern lunch and market research for South Dakota.

Traffic was bad coming home again, so that meant my mind wandered.  Sometimes I wish I could just write down right then and there what I’m thinking because it’s surprisingly insightful.  Other times I wish someone where there with me so I could just ramble and bounce ideas off of them.  Today I wish I could stop and write everything down.  My traffic thinking today consisted of how I’ve changed over the course of this past year.  I don’t think I changed as much as I thought I had last summer, but I feel like I changed over the course of the year.  I feel as though I became more selfish, more closed off, more… catastrophic.  I was spiraling out of control.  I didn’t like it and neither did those closest to me.  My world crashed, I felt as though I hit rock bottom, and I’ve been trying to repair and rebuild myself since.  I think I’ve been doing a pretty good job and I’d like to believe I have a better head on my shoulders and can see things from a perspective other than my own.  Recently, I’ve felt another change.  I don’t really know how to describe it.  Kind of anxiousness, kind of a fire, kind of a drive or fight.  I’m not really sure.  But it’s there.  I think I’m just tired of waiting, sitting around, staying quiet, wishing for something to happen.  I think I’m ready to take action and speak up.  I’ve changed.  I’d like to hope it’s for the better.  I cannot go back to how things were and I don’t want to spiral out of control anymore.  It would be too much to handle this time.  Talk about catastrophe…

I was also debating whether or not my effort was all for not.  It was worth it, and I stand by my decision, I just don’t know if it did anything.  It might have been too little too late.  It might be a lost cause.  I don’t know, with either case, and I am so tired of waiting to find out.

When I came home I was pleasantly surprised to find an information packet from the Vermont College of Fine Arts.  The packet was quite impressive, but reading about the program wasn’t.  The graphic design program is all self directed and graduates are only on campus for one week a semester.  I want to learn stuff.  I don’t want to teach myself.  So 10 schools has become 9.  And I’m starting to think that I want to go to an actual art school opposed to a University with an art program.  We’ll see.

July 26

I don’t understand why finding a place to live has come with so many complications this year.  I don’t get it.  First, I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do.  Then, I was going to live with Laura, Caroline, and Ashlyee, then I had no clue what I was going to do again.  Thankfully, I wasn’t the only one without a place to live, so that’s when Dominique and I paired up and decided to move into the MCAs.  Everything was great and we got the last “Point Dume” plan and we were all set.  THEN, turns out the unit we reserved, the tenants weren’t moving after all.  So they placed us in a different one, for a date that didn’t exactly work, but we took it.  NOW, the lease terms are wrong.  AND, Ashlyee just bailed on Laura and Caroline so they asked if I would move in with them.  Uhhh… no.  I already made plans.  They’re complicated, but they should work out.  I had to live with boys for a month and now I’m living at home for two because my life has decided to be challenging this year.  But I’m holding up.  I think I have some fight in me.

Today was actually pretty productive.  I didn’t wake up as early as I wanted to, but it really didn’t matter.  I got almost everything I needed to checked off my list.  I spent a good chunk of time working on all the required materials for my ADV 595 class due Friday, I did what was needed of me in order for my financial aid to be dispersed, I took care of my insurance waiver, and I even looked into internships for the fall.  I think I’m just going to take it easy this upcoming semester.  I’ll have my 575 class and SPB to keep me busy.

July 25

I need to get back to school.  I miss being in that environment.

Today was nice though.  I spent all of it with my grandparents.  My mom had mentioned that my grandpa wanted to see Captain America, and since I wanted to see it again, I suggested that we go.  So that’s exactly what we did.  We went to lunch, went to the movies, and then came home to watch Jeopardy.

I came home home soon after that and didn’t really have anything to do.  I should’ve worked on my internship stuff that’s due Friday, but I didn’t.  And then Up was on at 9, and I wanted to watch it with my mom, and I told her that, but Lisa came home at 8:30, so she spent most of her time talking to her.  Up didn’t happen.  I don’t like Lisa.  Most of the time she just stays in her room, my mom’s room actually, so I don’t even notice she’s here, but just the fact that she is bugs me.  It’s not right.  I feel like my mom is being taken advantage of and it’s not cool.  And I’m not comfortable with living with her, even though I don’t notice she’s here most of the time.  And her voice, bugs.  There’s just something about it.  And I hate that  my mom is keeping it a secret, because then I need to keep it a secret.  My family hides so many things, no wonder why I keep things from my parents.  It’s been bad this summer, usually it’s not.  Terrible.

July 24

There’s a fine line between bravery and stupidity.  I might have crossed it.

I took today to recuperate.  The past few days have definitely been eventful and I was behind on sleep.  I woke up around 10, but I didn’t really get out of bed until 1ish.  And even then I spent most of the day watching TV in my room with the lights off to stay cool.  Lazy day for sure, but I think I needed it.  I also spent a good chunk of time looking into MA and MFA programs again.  Ideally, I’d like an MFA, but an MA works, too.  I’ve picked 10, 4 of which are out of the country, 5 of which are actual art schools, and only 3 are in California.  I even signed up to an open house day for one of them.  Crazy.  Big kid.  I figure I should narrow it down to 5 by November since some of the application deadlines are in December, and I’ll be golden.

I still can’t believe what happened the other night.  Never before had I ever been in that type of situation and I hope I’ll never have to again.

July 23

As usual, Rebecca was running late, but it all worked out.  We were the first ones at the karaoke place.  Our room filled up quickly, the soji was flowin’, people were singing, and everyone was having a good time.  I was expecting to see a few different faces than who actually showed up, but it was good to see Cal people regardless.  I caught up with Bre throughout the night and thought I’d catch up with Vanessa, but she was to busy talking to her work friends.  I didn’t really mind.  Bre was enough company for me.  We were supposed to have the room until 12, but we ended up leaving at 1,which gave me plenty of time to sing my heart out.  So fun.  The fun ended real quick and everyone had no choice but to sober up.

Out of our group of 18, there were 4 guys.  Nate, Charles, Joe, and Josh.  While we were in the parking lot trying to decide where to go next, 3 guys from inside the karaoke bar came out and started confronting the boys.  Shoving started and then 3 guys turned into 10.  Punches were thrown, Jessica was roughed up, I called 911, and Rebecca was screaming.  10 guys literally turned into 40.  More punches were thrown, including my own, Joe’s ear was cut in half and his cheek got cut, blood was flowing, Nate got cracked in the head with a bottle of Malibu, he was unconscious on the floor, even more blood was flowing, Vanessa threw herself on top of Nate to keep the other guys from continuing to hurt him, more punches were thrown, Rebecca was screaming bloody murder, Charles was chased by 15 guys, Nate had a seizure, Charles jumped in Josh’s car, and the 40 guys that attacked our group took off in what seemed like 5 cars.  The cops and paramedics came, took information, and then we got the hell out of there.

I went to the hospital with Bre and Rebecca, but a good number of people met us there.  It took all night/morning, but Nate was finally released with staples in his head at 7 and Joe was released with a million stitches down the side of his head/face at 9.  Then it was time to leave.  At the hospital we were all kind of joking around saying that we aren’t all really friends, but we were down for each other when it mattered. 

There was so much blood.  There was so much screaming.  There was so much pushing, shoving, and punching.  I threw punches.  What’s going on in my life?  Who am I turning into?  Where did this spine come from?  I could’ve jumped in a car like most of the girls in our group, but I didn’t.  I don’t think it’s really hit me what happened.  There was just so much adrenaline flowing.  What?

I feel really bad for Rebecca.  She thinks it was her fault.  She just kept saying that it was her party and that nothing would have happened had we left when we were supposed to.  It wasn’t her fault.  We were just at the wrong place at the wrong time.  It wasn’t her fault.  I really hope they catch the guys that attacked us.  I don’t understand how the hell it happened.  I’m really glad Nate and Joe are okay though.  I was really scared about Nate.

I napped for a little bit when I got home and then sat around watching TV/thinking about what had happened just hours before.  So much blood.  My mom wasn’t going to be home for very much longer, so I got ready and headed to my dad’s for dinner.  I whipped up some beef stroganoff, helped him make some flyers about Boomer who’s been missing for a while, and then we set out to see Captain America.  It was AWESOME.  I think super hero movies might be my favorite type of movie.  But Captain America was amazing.  And I absolutely cannot wait to see The Avengers.

I actually just got in a few minutes ago, we got out from the movie a little late, and although there wasn’t any traffic coming home, I got to thinking.  I was thinking about how hard it’s been not to say anything about my adventure the other day.  It already happened and it’s not like I can be grounded or anything.  I’m an adult, it was my money and my choice, and I did it on my time.  But then I was thinking about why I did it in the first place.  I was viewing the situation from a perspective of thinking it was the right thing to do.  Thinking it was necessary.  But really, that’s not the case as all.  I was thinking that it was crazy and my mind went nuts when I transferred money out of my travel account.  Looking back, I felt it was the right thing to do.  Deep down, I felt it was necessary.  Something needed to change and I felt that this huge gesture would be enough to maybe, just maybe spark something.  I can only hope my feelings were right and that I was able to accomplish what I set out to do.  I hope something changed.  Even if nothing did, or does, I still stand by my decision.

Who am I turning into?

July 22

I ditched work today.  I would’ve liked to have slept in since I was so spent from yesterday, which I cannot believe happened, but my mom said if I’m staying home, we’re doing stuff, so I needed to get up.  It was worth it.

We went and saw the last Harry Potter, ran some errands, and then bought Rebecca a pretty bottle of booze.  It looks tasty, so I hope I get to help her drink it.  And I was texting Stephanie today about doing something for her birthday next month, and then my mom said, “You should go visit her, too.”  My heart kind of stopped for a second, thinking maybe she was on to me, but I think “too” meant Daniel.  But she said I should drive up to see her for a few days, so she endorses leaving the state to visit a friend.  But she’d actually know about this one.  That would be pretty fun.  I don’t want to make that drive all by myself though.  We’ll see.

So I’m about to leave to Rebecca’s.  I’m actually really excited for karaoke.

July 21

Holy cow, I am tired.  Today was unreal.

Scout woke me up at 5:30 since she was hungry, and then she went all hyper spaz on me and insisted on playing with the loudest things she could find in my room.  She finally calmed down at 8, so I told myself I’d get up at 10 after, only 10 after turned into 20.  I was on the road by 9, only it was the wrong road.  I was on auto pilot and took the 5 instead of the 605.  What should have taken me 20 minutes took me over an hour.  I was stressing out on my way to the airport.  I was so afraid I was going to miss my flight.  To make matters worse 105 parking was full and I couldn’t find a spot in terminal 3.  But I found one and was able to check in.  Security took forever and I finally made it to my gate at 10:30 for my flight that was leaving at 11.

The flight over to Washington went well and it didn’t really hit me that I was actually going through with this crazy plan to see Katy until I landed.  It was like, “WTF am I doing in Washington?!”  Quality.  Picking up my rental car, a white Mustang, took longer than expected, but it wasn’t like I was in a hurry.  I was starving, so I grabbed some lunch thinking it would take up more time, but I forgot that I pretty much inhale food, so it took about 20 minutes.  I spent some time adventuring and then headed over to Katy’s once she was home from work.

I had this whole spiel I had thought of on the plane, but, as usual, it fell by the wayside, but for different reasons.  I was so incredibly happy to see and speak to Katy, even if it only was for an hour.  The trip was definitely worth it.  We didn’t talk about anything major, but I felt majorly relieved about everything.  It was great.  It is great.

I got back to the airport early, adventured around there for a bit, and then ended up at a bar.  I didn’t mean to, but I got drunk.  It was fun, and I was excited to fly drunk, but the excitement didn’t last too long.  As soon as we were ascending, it took all the strength I had not to throw up.  Then I pretty much passed out listening to my i-pod.  I had never fallen asleep on a plane before, so that was something new.  We landed early, only we had to sit on the runway for forever to get to our gate, so I finally left LAX at 12:30 and didn’t get home until a little after 1.

What did I just do?

July 20

The dreams I’ve been having since I’ve been home are unreal.  They’re so detailed and extravagant and so… real.  They’re random and have people in it that I haven’t see for years, or spoken to ever.  I don’t ever want to wake up most of the time, but I have to.  I’m a big kid two days a week that has to go and do bitch work.

Motive was okay today.  I spent the first 2 hours eating and helping Melissa with computer stuff, but Melissa’s cool, so I didn’t mind.  And I love eating.  I did get a little peeved when I found out Paige was working on designing logos though.  I’m the graphic designer.  I’m the one who should have been given that job.  Whatever.  She was doing a good job, so it’s okay.  I guess.

For weeks now, I can’t get the thought of me not caring about Erin and Katy out of my head.  I hate that they feel that way and I’ve hated that I couldn’t seem to think of anything to show them that I care.  It obviously isn’t as simple as saying “I care” because I tried that and it didn’t work.  And Erin didn’t want to listen when I tried telling her that.  I’d try again, but I feel like it would just fall onto deaf ears, so I really don’t know how to fix that one.  I wish I could just talk things out with her.  And convincing Katy that I care is pretty difficult when we’re “on a break” and haven’t been communicating.  I don’t even remember what this break was supposed to accomplish and it’s been killing me.  I hate not being in contact with Katy.

While I was stuck in traffic on the way home from SanMo, I came up with this crazy plan.  It’s rash, and I may be making a huge mistake, but I’ll just have to see.  I’m pulling out all the stops with this one.  If this doesn’t work, I’m giving up.  I’ll give in to what people have been telling me, and I’ll just give up.  I just hope my plan works.  More than anything, I hope my plan works.

I think I’m going to be too anxious to sleep tonight, but I have to get some sleep.  I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.

What am I doing?

July 19

The combination of the heat and my non-stop mind led to me not falling asleep until 4.  It was a problem.  I cried a little bit in there too, but it wasn’t anything I wasn’t used to.  I was just thinking about all of my contradictory feelings and trying to figure out which path is the right one.  It’s been a struggle and I’m nowhere closer to making a decision.

I did absolutely nothing today except melt in this house.  I should’ve gone to my dad’s, or even my grandparents’, but it was too hot to move.  It sucked.  It was probably cooler outside than in the house, which was still too hot to handle.

2 years ago was the best day I’ve ever experienced in my life.  I was so incredibly happy.  I don’t think I had ever been that happy before or since.  Rebecca once told me that she believes that when we die, we get to go back and choose which day we’d like to relive.  I would choose July 19, 2009.  It was silly, adventurous, fun, amazing, everything a best day ever should be.  And I’m so glad I got to spend it with my best friend.  She made that day what it was.  The best.  Ever.  I hope I get to experience that happiness again, even if it’s only after I die.  I’ll take it.

July 18

Last night I was woken up at 1:15 by a text message from Becca asking me to come in the next day.  Since I didn’t go Friday, I figured I should go.  Unfortunately, that ruined my plans of going to the beach and checking my mail.

Motive was kind of a waste.  All I did was search for a file for Erin. It took forever since it was embedded somewhere in a zip file.  But I found it.  But then I didn’t have anything else to do.  I spent the rest of my time drawing up some BOM designs and looking into grad schools.

After Motive, I met up with Courtney for dinner and did some pre-retreat bonding and we discussed plans for NSO and the first few weeks of school.  I’m super excited and I think things are going to work out just fine.

Traffic was non-existent on the way home, so I got back in no time, but it was already 8.  I spent some time drawing up some more SPB designs and then watched some weird movie with my mom at 10.

And I’m thinking this weekend was a mistake.  I think this weekend made Daniel think we’re more than what we’ve discussed we are.  I thought girls were supposed to get attached. 

Oh, and my uncle got engaged this weekend.  Why?  My mom’s not happy, my grandpa’s not happy, and I’m not all that happy either.  He and Vicky don’t match.

July 17

I’ll start with finishing up with yesterday:

After Daniel picked me up from my dad’s, we listened to this ugly gangsta rap for way too long and then finally listened to some decent music when we were almost to UCR.  Daniel had a meeting for a group project that he was supposed to be working on, so I chilled in his apartment for a while until he came back.  We went to dinner, went adventuring, and then came back.  Daniel was supposed to be doing homework, but between 5 Blue Moons, me, and his lack of focus, not much got done.  We went to be around midnight, but didn’t actually get some sleep until after 3.  That boy…

And I realized in the middle of benefitting the first time of the night that I’m not in love with him.  I thought I was, but I’m not.  We’re just friends, with benefits… that benefit.  And I always feel guilty afterwards, never during, but it’s always short lived.  We really should just stop, but he said he doesn’t want to be just friends and I told him I can’t give him a commitment.  I don’t deal with commitment very well, but in this case, I know for a fact that I don’t want that commitment.  I’d feel guilty knowing that that commitment would end as soon as someone better came along, because that’s exactly what would happen.  I know there’s someone better for me than Daniel.  And I know there’s someone better out there for Daniel.  Someone who doesn’t constantly toy with his emotions.

We finally got out of bed around 10, got ready, and then headed back towards home.  We were supposed to pick up Adrian, but he didn’t want to feel like a third wheel.  Totally understandable, but I still felt bad.  After Daniel unloaded some of his stuff at his house, we were off to the Renegade Craft Fair.  Daniel wanted to go to see the screen printers and I was just tagging along.  He got a poster and a shirt and I got two gig posters that I had had my eye on for a while.  It was a success.  I was hungry, but Daniel didn’t want to spoil his appetite for dinner, so we just went straight back home.  After terrible driving and missed exits, Daniel dropped me off at my dad’s around 3.

I was kind of planning on just going home after that, but my dad convinced me to stay and go with him to dinner.  I’m really glad I did.  It was nice spending time with my dad without Jen and Emme around.  After dinner we went to Ralphs so he could get himself food to survive the week and then we made it home around 8.  I stayed for a little while longer and then went home to my mom.  I caught her up on my weekend, got lectured about letting her know where I’ll be sleeping, and then had a lovely rest of the night watching Real Housewives and The Glee Project.

July 16

I don't think I'm going to be able to write later, so I'm writing now.
I had to bring my car into Honda this morning to get my brake lamp changed and now I'm waiting for Daniel to come pick me up.
My dad's probably going to flip when I don't come home tonight.

July 15

Lisa just came home.  Things haven’t been too bad, but I still don’t like her.  I don’t like that she doesn’t help out around here at all.  She doesn’t buy groceries, she doesn’t cook for herself, and she doesn’t pay rent.  It was the same way the first time she lived here.  I understand that my mom’s trying to help her friend out, but there are limits to how much she should help.  Living here for free is why past the limit.  It isn’t cool.  My mom’s struggling to make ends meet as it is, the least Lisa could do is help with utilities or something.  I’m helping my mom out more than she is.

Nothing really happened today.  I had dinner with my mom and grandparents and that’s about it. 

July 14

I made myself get out of bed this morning so I could leave with my mom when she went to her doctor’s appointment.  I did some reading as I waited for her to get out and then we stopped by Starbucks before going to the movies.  My mom had been wanting to see Bridesmaids, so we went down to the dollar theatre where it was still playing and enjoyed our afternoon for $4.  Bargain.  We spent the rest of the afternoon searching for something to get my uncle for his birthday, but we had no luck.  We’re taking him out to dinner next weekend instead.

We finally made it to my grandparents’ house for the birthday dinner and cake and then watched TV for a while before heading home.

July 13

Because I went into Motive on Monday, I didn’t have to go in today.  Unfortunately, Scout didn’t get the memo and woke me up at 5:30, again.  But then we slept until noon and then lounged around for the rest of the early afternoon.  I finally ventured out to get some things for the house and the animals and then came home to just chillax for the rest of the evening with my mom.

Despite the drugs, I feel like my anxiousness about my relationships and the future has been building and creating pressure.  Texting Erin relieved some of it, but I cracked again today, thinking that it would help even more.  It helped, but not as much as I was hoping it would.  I want things to be okay, but I really don’t know if they will be.  My “okay” includes Erin and Katy in my life, and I’ll settle for acquaintances if I absolutely have to, I’d just really prefer if we were friends.  I can’t imagine my life without them in it and I miss them so much.  But I couldn’t imagine not living with them either and that’s what happened.  I’m still working on accepting that.  Not gonna lie, it’s been really tough.  So I guess if they end up not being in my life, I’ll just have to accept it and move on, as hard as that may be.

I’ve been struggling so much with what I want, what I think will happen, and what should happen.  I want to fix things and make them incredible, I have this sinking feeling that I’m too late to fix anything, and I really don’t think I deserve the chance to fix anything despite how badly I want to.  I fucked up, royally.  I completely own up to it, and I understand where I went wrong and where and how I need to improve, I just don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to make the relationships that I’ve ruined any better than what they were.

There’s this quote that I stumbled upon today that I really liked:

“Just because you don’t love someone the way they want to be loved, it doesn’t mean you don’t love them with everything you have.”

I don’t think I have a whole lot to give because I don’t accept a whole lot and I don’t express it in a traditional way, but when I love someone, it’s real.  I hate saying “I love you” just to say it.  If I say it, it’s for real.  I think I may have said it to 4 people that aren’t family and I meant it for each one of them.  When I love, I love with everything I have.  It may not be much, or enough, but it’s everything I have.  I feel like this summer of soul searching and rebuilding has given me an incredibly new insight on myself, and I’m growing vast amounts in some areas, and maybe not so much in others, but I think in the process I’ve accepted the fact that it’s okay to be emotional and say what I’m feeling, especially love.  Love isn’t expressed enough, and I obviously didn’t express it enough because the two people I loved most, outside blood, didn’t think I cared at all.  I’m not going to make that mistake again.  My heart may still be broken, but when it’s whole again, my friends will know they’re cared about.

Rebuilding.

July 12

I got called into Motive again today, but I only worked until 4 since I had to get home for a conference call with Veronica and Courtney.  Turns out Veronica and I get to share an assistant, we just need to figure out who that assistant is.  I think it’ll help us both out a whole lot.

I spent the rest of the evening with my mom and that’s pretty much it.

Today wasn’t too exciting, but there was really nothing to complain about.

July 11

I got called into work today, but I took my time getting there.

And before I left for work, I got a phone call that changed some of my future plans a little bit.  Nothing major, but it’s a minor setback.  Everything will work out.

Yesterday, when Daniel asked if I had talked to Erin or Katy at all, I told him no but that I missed them and that it was really hard not getting in touch with them.  When I mentioned that to my mom, Tim, Maddie, and Rebecca, they all said something about not giving in.  Daniel, on the other hand, was sweet about it and told me that if I ever felt like calling, messaging, or texting either one of them, to just call, message, or text him instead.  It seemed like a good idea until this morning.  I cracked and texted Erin.  I was pleasantly surprised when she texted back.  After our short, cordial, text convo, I felt some of my anxiousness subside.

Motive wasn’t anything special and I felt like it went by quickly.  Probably because my day started later.  My mom told me I should just stop going, but we’re in the middle of a campaign and I don’t just want to leave.  I’d like to at least finish out the month.

Traffic coming home wasn’t too bad, but it was bad enough to get my mind and tears going.  I hate it.  Sometimes I feel like I’m doing so well and other times I just feel so overwhelmed and back where I started.

When I got home, I ate dinner and watched tv with my mom, but I was also chatting with Daniel on fbook.  He was being cheesy and sweet and I was just eating it up.  There’s this hotel that he and I have been talking about staying at for a while now, but it’s always kind of been a future plan that we weren’t super serious about.  Turns out, he actually looked into booking a room.  It’s pricey, and it probably still won’t happen, but the fact that he looked into it and was asking me when I thought would be a good time to go, kind of makes me think that there’s a slight chance that it could happen.  It’d be great, but probably not a wise choice.  Neither is staying over in Riverside this weekend…

July 10

It hurts sometimes and I feel like I can’t do anything about it.  Almost “stuck”.

Today was pretty darn good.

I just chilled around the house until it was time to go to lunch with my dad and Jennifer.  I had invited Daniel, but he said it would be awkward if he went, so he declined.  His loss.  Lunch was great and then Daniel came to pick me up from my dad’s after we got home.  He said he had been to his house before, but I don’t know if I believe that.  As soon as we left, Daniel was telling me how scared he was to be in my house and talking to my dad.  I don’t know why he gets so nervous around him.  My dad likes him.  A lot.  Silly boy.

We then ventured off to get some boba, even though I was SUPER full from lunch, and then headed over to the movies to see Horrible Bosses.  It wasn’t the greatest, but it was entertaining.  We still wanted to spend some time together, so after a little bit of driving, we ended up at Downtown Disney.  Unfortunately, I’m blocked until the end of August, so we couldn’t go into either park, but we still had a great time just walking around, being silly, and catching up.

I love that boy.  I might even be in love with him, which scares me a little bit.  We love spending time together and we know each other pretty well.  We’ve grown up together and we’ve been through a lot.  We match.  He makes me happy.  We’d be happy together, but I just don’t know if that’s enough.  Even if I was in love with him.  It wouldn’t last.  I know, deep down, that there’s someone better.  Someone that fits with me perfectly.  Daniel’s not that guy.  Even though I know it’d work out for at least a while, I feel like being in a relationship with Daniel would be settling.  I want to find the man I’m going to marry, and if I know that that isn’t Daniel, why should I pretend that it could be?  I don’t want to use Daniel as a place holder until I find “the one,” but I can’t help but feel like maybe settling wouldn’t be such a bad thing.  What if “the one” doesn’t exist for me?  What if Daniel is going to be as good as it gets?  If I’ve been having these doubts for months, years really, then I should stop humoring the idea of being in a relationship with him.  I don’t see why we should change what we have going on right now.  Sure, every time we brush hands while walking I wish he’d take mine in his, but I don’t need him to.  Our friendship has its benefits and I think it works.  I don’t want to lose him too.

July 9

I think it’s cool that Blogger tracks what devices and operating systems view your blog.  And from where, too.  But that also has me thinking that this summer isn’t really fair...

My day started off slow, staying in bed with Scout for as long as I could, dropping off rent, and then catching up on Secret Life at my dad’s before getting dolled up for Paul and Carrie’s wedding.  Because of traffic, we got to the church right on time.  The church was beautiful and Carrie was gorgeous.  She’s drop dead gorgeous anyway, but today especially.  Paul’s half Armenian, and the reception definitely reflected that.  I felt like a Kardashian or something.  It was a trip.

Out of my cousins, I’m the baby.  There’s Jason and Yvette, they’re like 15 years older, and then there’s Paul and Tiff, who are around 7 years older.  So I never really felt like I fit in with them.  The next closest relative is Devin, Yvette’s son, who’s about to be a freshman in high school.  So I was too old to fit in with my second cousin’s too.  But today was different.  I’m an adult now.  I was drinking with them, I was chatting with them, I was dancing with them, and it was great.  I really enjoyed it, but they kept saying that it was so weird to see me all grown up.  I don’t see that side of the family so much, so normally years go by before they see me again and I'm that much more grown up.  It was also kind of weird not having Emme around and it just being me, my dad, and Jennifer, but it wasn’t so bad.  Jen was entertaining after she downed like 6 vodka tonics and watching my dad “dance” was fun too.  He literally only does one move.  Silly.

I’m spent.  I have a headache, my feet hurt, and I’m full.

July 8

I had an earlier start than usual today on account that I needed to be at Motive at 10 instead of noon.  A lot of work needed to be done and I was going to be the only intern.  Unfortunately for Becca and Melissa who were so happy when I came in early, Erin stole me away for 2 hours to help her with computer stuff, so it really was like I got in at noon.  I actually did work today, compiling spreadsheets, cross referencing contact lists, taking notes on a conference call. I felt useful and important for once.  And some guy came in for an interview this afternoon, Nick, and Becca put him to work right away.  The awkward part of the afternoon came when Becca gave me her keys and told me to take Nick to Staples so we could buy some things for the office.  I still think I’m a good driver, but since the accident, and even despite the meds, I get anxious when I drive.  And driving someone else’s car just makes it worse.  It was okay though.  I had to stay calm to not freak Nick out or ruin “Snowflake.”  Nick and I got along well and made it back with all the goods and finished up working on some things for the last hour of the day.

Traffic this morning and this evening made me realize that I still compulsively analyze.  The drive home was rough.  Instead of compulsively analyzing the past and how much I fucked it up, ending up in hours long catastrophe modes where I would beat myself up, my analyzing has instead turned its focus on the present and future.  I’ve been compulsively analyzing my current confusion and have been trying to weigh the pros and cons about what actions I should take to resolve that confusion.  That just leads me to be more conflicted and more confused.  I also analyze my future and how it will play out if certain things happen.  I don’t think any form of that compulsive analysis is healthy, but I don’t know how to stop it.  It really only happens when I’m driving and I have nothing to distract me.  The songs blasting through the speakers aren’t even enough after my mind has started.  I’m really glad I’m not beating myself up anymore though.  I think that’s kind of a big step.

I feel like I’m working hard to “try to figure my ish out” and I genuinely feel progress has been made.  I’m thinking differently, and I definitely feel different than I did a month ago, I just don’t know if that’s enough.  I feel like there are so many chapters of myself to get to that I’ve been archiving in deep places that not even I knew existed until I saw hints of them in other chapters.  I’m sure there’s a whole library worth discovering.  Too bad I’m not a speed reader.

July 7

Scout kept me in bed longer than I was planning, but it just threw off my day by a half hour.  No biggy.  I got to my grandparents’ by 11:30 and my grandma and I went off shopping soon after.  I found a dress for Saturday right away and even found a $5 dress for whenever I feel like wearing it. It was only $5.  I had to get it.  We then went to lunch and ate til we were stuffed and then we found myself some shoes before heading back home.

I spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening just hanging out at my grandparents’ and then went home after Jeopardy.  They have to watch Jeopardy.

The rest of my evening consisted of watching TV with my mom and spending time with our house full of animals.

Summer can’t be over soon enough.  I feel like my life is on hold.  I just want to get back to school, enjoy my last year and be happy, and then go on with my life.  I don’t want to be stuck in this house, in this neighborhood, in this lifestyle forever.  I need out.  School and Malibu was my escape from all of this.  I need to escape.  But there I go, running away from what I don’t like.  Running away from what’s difficult.  Running away from problems.  Choosing to ignore issues.  But really, I’ve been over this for years.  I would change it if I had the power, but in this case, I just don’t.

And in regards to how I was feeling yesterday, I think it’s too late to do something.  I think I missed my window, if there even was one in the first place.  But I can’t help but to think that it goes both ways.  Only that window will be wide open and waiting for probably longer than it should be.  It just popped into my head that I should have a date in mind, but I could never do that.  I won’t.  Maybe I should… but I won’t.

July 6

Today was my mom’s day off and it would’ve been nice to spend some time with her, but I had to go to Motive today.  The day was full of phone calls and emails, but I did get some flirting in with Gannon.  Instead of going sitting in two hours of traffic to get home, I sat in 25 to get to Malibu.

I met up with Maddie for dinner and she ranted about stuff while I listened.  That’s how our relationship works.  When I try to vent about something, she doesn’t have anything positive to say.  In her mind I think it’s supposed to make me feel better, but it doesn’t.  She was ranting about how she and Yeltsin got in a huge fight and broke up, but would probably get back together.  I don’t see why she would want to do that since all she does is seem to complain about what a crappy boyfriend he is.  She hasn’t been happy for months, so I just don’t see why she would want to go back to that.  But now that I’ve written that out, I’m kind of in Yeltsin’s position.  I didn’t keep the people I love happy, I fucked up, and now they’re gone.  Yeltsin’s already trying to win Maddie back.  I want to get my friends back.  But, like with Maddie, why would they want to go back to a person that made them so unhappy?  They shouldn’t.  Yeltsin better change if he expects Maddie back.

My only piece of anything relative to venting or ranting during dinner consisted of the statement that I miss Erin and Katy.  Then Maddie went on a rant about that.  She obviously feels very strongly about that whole situation, but she doesn’t know the half of it, and I can’t get a word in edgewise.  I normally disregard what she has to say on the matter anyway.

On my way home, I was in a tearful battle with myself.  Do I wait out the summer, or do I do something?  I know what I want to do, but what am I supposed to do?  What should I do?  What is expected of me?  What is wanted of me?  What is needed of me?

Upside down.  All of it.  And it’s completely my fault.

Damaged goods, but maybe I can be restored.  People like projects like that.

July 5

I woke up an hour later than I had planned, but it ended up working out.  Becca texted asking if I could go in today since I missed on Friday, but I had other things to take care of.

I headed out to Malibu to take care of some things and to take a look at what my future will be like.  It’s pretty odd how things are turning out.  Things that I never thought would happen have happened and my life feels like it’s been turned upside down, over and over again.  I’m sure it will just continue to surprise me.

I thought about going to the beach since it was beautiful out, which only makes sense now that I don’t live there, but it was already late in the afternoon and I wanted to get home before the traffic got too bad.  I’ll be smack dab in the middle of rush hour on my way home from Motive on Wednesdays and Fridays.  Awesome.

It seems like every time I’m stuck in a little bit of traffic, my mind wanders and I end up crying about something.  Today  I was thinking and crying about the different types of relationships I have with different people.  There are so many different levels of emotional attachment, but they aren’t expressed in a traditional, or even practical, manner.  It was making me question how to develop relationships from here on out.  I know what I want and I know how those types of relationships work in theory, but putting them into practice is a different story.  I’m scared of getting hurt and I’m scared I’ll hurt more people that I care about.  I’d take all the hurt if it meant never hurting people I love, but I just don’t think that’s possible.  I hate that I’ve hurt people I love.  So many.  I haven’t been abandoned.  I’ve driven people away.  I’ve driven people away because I hurt them.  And it hurt me because I was emotionally attached.  I am emotionally attached.

4th o' July

I almost sent text messages out, but I didn’t.  I had them typed out and ready to go, but I woke up around 4 and deleted them.  Probably for the best.

My mom and I got to my grandparents’ house around 1 and then we ate as much food as we possibly could, like with every other holiday.  Every holiday with them is kind of the same.  There’s normally barbeque and lots of other food.  The only thing that was different today was that we all ate outside and relaxed in the shade.

After my uncle and Vicky left, the rest of us went inside and watched some old 8mm “moving pictures” that my grandparents are planning to put on DVD.  It was a trip seeing my mom and uncle as little kids and my grandparents in their 20s.  The outfits and hairstyles were awesome to see too.  My mom and I spent about an hour looking through old photos and then we headed home.

The day’s nostalgia turned into my mom and I legit building our family tree.  We got a good amount done on her side, but I found lots of stuff on my dad’s side.  His mom’s family was a goldmine.  And pretty much everyone in that line is from Chihuahua, but the last people I found, from right around 1700, are from Spain.  I knew I was Spanish.  My dad has been telling me for years that we have some Spaniard in us.  And my mom’s convinced she’s part Native American, so maybe I can figure that out too.

July 3

Today was more of the same as yesterday.  It was too hot to do anything, but I ended up taking another nap.  Scout got to roam around the house today though, even with the boys around.  Romeo was okay with it, but Rico was pissed and hissing and swatting at anyone who went near him.

I don’t like being here.  I don’t like being home home.  I wish I were back in Malibu.  Malibu’s my home, not this place.  I can’t wait to get back to school, but I’m pretty worried about this year.  I was talking to Rebecca about it, and there is just so much that I feel is up in the air.  I don’t know how my living situation is going to turn out, I don’t know how being on The Board is going to turn out, I don’t know how my relationships with Erin and Katy are going to turn out, I don’t know how my well being is going to turn out, and I don’t know what I’m going to do after this year.  This is my last year of undergrad.  Am I going to grad school after graduation?  Am I going to have a job after graduation?  Am I going to move back home after graduation?  I don’t know.  I just feel so lost.  Rebecca didn’t have so much to say about it, but she wasn’t the best person to vent to.  She has no clue what she’s doing with her life.  And I feel like when I talk to Rebecca about real things, which hardly ever happens, but when I do, I feel like she isn’t really listening to what I’m really saying.  She just tries to reply with what would make me laugh or feel better for that moment.  Granted, sometimes I need to laugh and be told something to make me feel better, but when I need to be told the truth, I don’t get it.  That’s the role I play in our relationship, when I have to play it, which isn’t all that often.

I’m worried.  It’s hypocritical of me, but I don’t want to go through this alone.  I’ve been fighting to be alone for so long, but that’s not really what I want.

I feel like I don’t really have a home anymore.  I feel out of place here, like I don’t belong.  I can’t help but think of Dory from Finding Nemo when she says, “When I look at you, I’m home.”  I want to find that.  Not necessarily when I look at someone, but maybe when I’m with that someone.  Or maybe I can even find a song to melt into.  I just want to feel comfortable and like I belong.  I’m trying so hard to find myself and to figure myself out, there are just so many facets that I don’t know how to deal with.  So many new feelings are unfolding.  So many new urges need fulfilling.  I’m so lost.

I think Bed Space sums up what I’m feeling right now.

You should listen to it.  Darwin Deez.