Day Lee Blawg: May

Idk how much longer I'll be using "re" titles...

I don't feel like writing anything today. I don't really see the point. Maybe I won't keep a detailed blog after I graduate. It doesn't help as much as it should. I don't get out what I need to. Nobody that can help reads them.

Whatev.

reroute
Before I kept things to myself.
Before I shut people out.
Before I didn't talk to anyone about how I felt or what I thought.

Now I have to change.
Now I have to let people in.
Now I have to talk to people about how I feel and what I think.

But how?

Before I didn't have to worry about talking to people.
Before I didn't have to worry about how I would say things.
Before I didn't have to worry about how things might go.

Now I am terrified about talking to people.
Now I don't know how to put things.
Now I can't help but dwell on how things might go.

I have all this information in my head. All these ideas. All these explanaitons. All these feelings. I need to get it all out. I just don't know how. It makes sense in my head. It does. It's all there plain and simple. But I don't know how to get it out. I don't know how to organize it. I don't know how to put it into words. I want to get it out. I want to be able to organize it and put it into words, but I can't. And I hate that I feel helpless and frustrated about this. As long as I stay away from how I was before and focus on now, I should be somewhat okay.
rejoice
Thank God! I get a second chance! I can't mess this one up. I need to do a much better job being a friend to Rebecca. A much better job.
refresh
You know how if a page is taking too long to load or it gets stuck for some reason, there's always the option of pushing the refresh button?
Why isn't there a real refresh button? Why can't we just stop and start over when we need to?
I've been getting lost in my head lately. I think of things that I need to do, and I plan them out well, but when it comes to actually following through, I can't do it. I freeze. I need a refresh button. What I really need to do is grow up. I'm a huge baby when it comes to mature stuff. I need to grow up.
I think I'm going to change A LOT next year. I think I've already changed a whole lot these past... 2 weeks... but this summer and upcoming year are going to be crucial. I want to be a better person. I want to be focused. I want to be someone that I'm not ashamed to be. I want to be the best friend that I always should've been, but never was.
And I will be all those things. I'm sure of it.
list 24
I will catch up quickly in my classes.
My mother will be financially stable.
I will get good grades this last semester.
I will pass both AP tests.
I will be in great physical and mental shape by the time I graduate.
I will find my prince charming.
I will get my license soon.
Rebecca and I will have a lasting friendship.
I will end up with an awesome roommate.
I will do well on my Senior Project speech.
- request
  Maybe it should've been more of a demand...
  restart
- August 19
  Save the date.
  I can start over and be real for once.
  retain
- I don't really like wearing retainers. They're useful, but stupid
  repair
- I wanted out, I saw the crowd moving towards the door.
  Their eyes are shut, so with any luck we'll be left on the floor.
  Cuz I'm not good at saying things and I never know what to do
  When you blurt out words that are so unheard of,
  but I think that I still understand you.
  
  "Don't mess this up" and I'm talking to me,
  cuz if we take a look at my history,
  I'm not who you think I am.
  But I'm doing the best I can.
  
  Please don't hate me if I mess this up.
  I'm saying sorry in advance.
  I don't want to break your heart cuz I'd only break mine,
  but I'm letting you know there's a chance.
  
  Cuz I'm not good at saying things,
  especially to you.
  But its been a while and you still make me smile,
  so I think I still understand you.
  
  And as I've well established,
  I am scared of the unknown.
  So I'll take it slow and I'll let you know,
  I think we'll be fine with a little time.
  
  I'm getting better at saying things,
  but it's still so new.
  And I may blurt out words that are so unheard of,
  but I hope that you still understand me.
  reaction
  
  Please take me out of my body, up through the palm tress to smell California in sweet hypocrisy.
  
  go
  speed racer, go speed racer, go speed racer gooo!
  
  I liked it. It was bright, fast, and loud. It was kinda long though, but worth it.
  
  what’s done
  ... is done. All I can do is wait and be optimistic. But I have to say, my optimism on this subject is quite low.
  
  list 23
  I will catch up quickly in my classes.
  My mother will be financially stable.
  I will do well on my senior project.
  I will get good grades this last semester.
  I will pass both AP tests.
  I will be in great physical and mental shape by the time I graduate.
  I will find my prince charming.
  I will get my license soon.
  Rebecca and I will have a lasting friendship.
  I will end up with an awesome roommate.
  I will do well on my Senior Project speech.
  
  ladada
  I had these icons on my computer and thought they were pretty perfect. I doubt that the person they're directed to will see them, but whatever. That's okay...
  
  you make me wanna...
  ... jump to the rythm and step to the music...
  
  Lip Sync was fun. I had a nice time. SCC didn't place, but that's okay. I thought we did well.
  
  comedy sportz
  ... made my day.
  That and Breanna and I being weird afterwards...
  
  rescue
  That's what I need right now. I need to be rescued.
  I need a time machine. That would fix everything.
  
  I tried fixing things, I tried changing, but all was too late. I messed up too much, too often, too late in the game. And now I can't fix it. I don't think it'll ever be fixed. I don't think it can ever be fixed.
  I feel so terrible about what I did. I feel so terrible that I ever hurt anyone. One person in particular. I just wish I could take it all back.
  I don't know what I'm going to do without that person.
  
  facebook
  Current mood:lazy
  I didn't get it at first, but I kinda get it now. It's cool.
  And I'm talking to potential roommates, so that's interesting...
  
  it’s obvious
  My family isn't open with me. My family hides things, or tries to rather. They do a terrible job of hiding things.
  
  But that's why I'm not open and I hide things. I know nothing else. That's all I see.
  
  converge
  It's up finally! I can start looking for a roommate! How exciting! Ahhh!!!!!
  
  list 22
  I will catch up quickly in my classes.
  My mother will be financially stable.
  I will do well on my senior project.
  I will get good grades this last semester.
  I will pass both AP tests.
  I will be in great physical and mental shape by the time I graduate.
  I will find my prince charming.
  I will get my license soon.
  Rebecca and I will have a lasting friendship.
  I will end up with an awesome roommate.
  
  AP
  ... English Literature test tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. But I'll do well. I just need to focus.
  
  facebook
  ... is kinda confusing. Bre was right. I'm gettin' the hang of it though. No worries.
  
  resources
  I've wasted a lot.
  
  Boys are letting me down left and right this year. What's up with that. And it's mostly seniors. Shouldn't they be maturing by now?
  
  vehicle
  ...has been in my head all night.
  
  music and lyrics
  
  I watched it 1.5 times today. I liked it
  I wanted to see it when it came out on Valentine's Day last year, but I had other plans. Turned out that those other plans blew going to the movies way out of the water
  
  ahhh!
  I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sleepy!
  
  list 21
  I will catch up quickly in my classes.
  My mother will be financially stable.
  I will do well on my senior project.
  I will get good grades this last semester.
  I will pass both AP tests.
  I will be in great physical and mental shape by the time I graduate.
  I will find my prince charming.
  I will get my license soon.
  Rebecca and I will have a lasting friendship.
  I will do extremely well in my events tomorrow at league finals.