Last night was rough. I felt pathetic sobbing alone in my empty house. And having it echo was just a reminder of how lonely I was. It sucked. I needed support more than anything. I just needed to be held and told that everything was going to be okay. I wanted to talk to Katy. I needed to talk to her. But I couldn't. It was late and we don't have that kind of relationship established. We never did. And now that she's gone, I can't just expect it to turn into that kind of relationship. Katy told me she couldn't be my on call therapist, but that's what I needed last night. Come to think of it, best friends should be there when you need them no matter what. If you need them to be your best friend, on call therapist, roommate, or mommy, then that's what they should be. I needed Katy to be all of those things sometimes. Most of the time. But I understand that it grew incredibly tiresome when I wasn't accepting or reciprocating. I understand that I wasn't being the friend she needed me to be, so she had/has no reason to be the friend I needed her to be.
I understand these concepts, and I see what I'm doing wrong, but I just can't seem to execute the right way of being a friend. It's sad. I've been stuck in my ways for too long and I can't seem to get out of the pattern. I can't break the wall down. And I haven't let anyone else break it down. And now I feel like I've put up an ever thicker wall.
I woke up late for class, but I was able to get in on time. The lecture was interesting and we finished the class off with an episode of Glee. It was relevant. Really. After class I headed over to Motive and did intern-y stuff until 6 and then I met up with Laura to look at prospective houses and go see Bridesmaids. Bridesmaids was super funny, but staying out until midnight wasn't wise. I had a lot of fun with Laura, but I don't feel any more comfortable about living with her. I'm sure it'll be fine, but I want it to be great. It wasn't what I originally wanted, I originally wanted to stay with Katy, but since that obviously isn't happening and I couldn't find something on my own, I need to make the best out of this situation. It'll be fine. I just need a roof over my head.
I read half of what I needed to for class and I'm waking up early to write a paper. Hopefully I actually wake up this time.
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