May 3

I don't really remember what time I woke up, but I feel like I was able to sleep in for a little bit. Then I made my way downstairs, made some cinnamon rolls for breakfast and chatted with Brittni for a bit before making my way back upstairs to watch some TV. Katy came up and said that she and Erin were gonna go to Starbucks and CVS and then head to the pool, and since I was heading to the pool anyway and I figured spending time with them would be a good idea, I said I'd go.

It probably wasn't a good idea. It's becoming more and more apparent to me that I don't know how to be friends with them. They seem so close and they seem to work so well together, and I'm just there. I feel like I have nothing to contribute to their conversations, so I don't even try to give input. We made it down to the pool a little after 1 and I just felt more uncomfortable. I want us all to be friends and be happy, but that isn't working. But Erin and Katy seem happy together, so 2 out of 3 isn't so bad. And I want them to be happy, so that's good. But then I started thinking again. I want them to be happy and I think an easy way of doing that is to cut their losses completely and just not be friends with me. I wouldn't be happy and that's not what I want, but I think it would work. With Erin, I feel like even if I try to be friends with her, it's not going to do any good because she gave up on me a long time ago and I think she's pretty set in her ways. So if I'm going to fight a battle that can't be won, what's the point? With Katy, it's a little more complicated. I feel like we both have so much invested in this friendship that completely giving up isn't really an option we want to pursue, but I think being friends with me is draining her so much, she'd be happier if I just wasn't part of her life anymore. It hurts me to think these things, but I... I just don't know. I'm so conflicted. "You're better off." "Do what you gotta do." "They aren't worth it." "You don't need them." I've been ignoring all of that until now. What if everyone was right? What if I am better off? I think they'd be better off without me, but what's going to happen to me? I want them in my life and I want to be friends with them.

I ended up crying by the pool thinking about everything and beat myself up for the rest of the day. I can't keep doing that. If I keep going the way I'm going, I'll end up as a shell of a person with no friends. That's not what I want. I want to have a real friendship with someone. Anyone. I need one of those. Desperately. I hate that I have yet to allow myself to have that connection with someone. I hate that my fear has been holding me back. I hate that my insecurities have been holding me back. I hate that my depression has taken over my life and has kept me from enjoying so much. I hate that I've driven my best friends away.

I cried about it on my way to work and I cried about it on my lunch break. It's too much to process on my own. I need to talk to someone about it. Badly.

Work wasn't the greatest, but it wasn't terrible. I got home around 11, showered, and then chatted with Katy and Brittni before coming up for bed.