I've been having a really hard time falling asleep as of late. I have too many thoughts in my head and I keep trying to organize them in a way that makes sense, but I can't. If I were to write them down or explain them, I don't think it would make sense and it wouldn't be in the order I would want it to be in. But everything that's in my head, everything I'm thinking and feeling, I need to get out. It's overwhelming. It's always been overwhelming. The breakdowns have to stop. I'm not strong enough. Trying to write about it on here and crying about it by myself isn't helping. I don't know how I would be dealing if I wasn't medicated. My mom asked me about my antidepressants yesterday. I told her my doctor prescribed them when it happened, and she just told me she wouldn't take them if I were her. She asked if I had started taking them and I lied and said "Not yet." Her response was, "Good. Don't start. Drink a beer or something. Shoot, I rather have you smoke out than take antidepressants. Just smoke a joint and chill out." Thanks, Mom. She doesn't get it.
I've never felt like I've been understood. Ever. But that's my fault, again. I don't let people get to know me. Not even my family. It's terrible. I feel like I can't be who I really am with anyone. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm becoming that shell of a person. That facade. Maybe that's all I'll ever be. Maybe I'm incapable of having deep meaningful relationships that I've always longed for. It's a deep underlying connection that I want. That I need. The comfort of knowing you can tell that person everything and not worry about being judged. They're the first person you tell when something exciting happens, or when something scary happens. The person you turn to when you need to vent. The person you can laugh at because they will just laugh back at you. The person you need to tell things to so your brain doesn't explode. The person who can make you feel better when you're having a tough day. The one you turn to for advice. The person you can have full conversations with by merely exchanging glances. I need that person in my life. I want to be that person in someone's life. I just don't know if I'm capable of letting someone be that person for me. And I don't think I'm strong enough of a person to be that person for somebody else. My heart is breaking left and right.
School wasn't anything special, but I'm already over this whole waking up early thing. Just like 3 more weeks. I'll be fine. When I came home, I caught up on TV and then cleaned the house some more. Before I knew it, it was time to go to work. I was supposed to close with Tim and Cynthia, but Cynthia called in and didn't get anyone to cover her shift. Thankfully tonight was incredibly slow, so Tim and I had everything under control.
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