May 13

Last night didn’t go the way I was expecting it to and I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Regardless, I don’t feel satisfied. My goodbye to Erin was fine. I said bye and we hugged and that was it. I think Chris was asleep when I said goodnight and goodbye to him and Katy, so that didn’t work out so well, and Katy just said that she’ll still see me. I think I was hoping for more validation or something. After all, it was our last night as roommates. We’ve spent three years together, and now it’s over. I wanted it to be more than what it was. But I wanted our friendship to be more than what it was too. But that’s life.

Class this morning wasn't anything special. We went through a lecture, did a case study, and then had a quiz. We got out early, so I made it to Santa Monica at 11 and ended up chillin' in Sbux for a while before going into Motive. Before I even walked in, I had a million things to do for a million different people. And it was my turn to go out and get lunch for everyone. It kinda sucked. And I decided I don't like Gab. Even if she was a Wave for a second. Everyone was leaving, so I ended up getting out of there at 5:30.

I had in my head for a while that I didn't want to be around when Erin and Katy were packing up their things and moving out, I didn't think my heart could take it, so I stopped by Starbucks so I wouldn't risk going home to cars being loaded up. I ended up staying there til about 8 and then went to Payson for a little bit and got a tiny bit of homework done. I figured home was safe by 9.

It was dark when I walked in, and when I turned out the lights, the house looked so sad and empty. 98% of Erin and Katy's things were gone. I couldn't help but cry. It was then that I really needed validation. A text goodbye. A note. A post-it. Something. I needed something. It's like they never existed. It's like we never lived together. I didn't think they were that sick of me. I don't really know how I feel about the situation. I know I didn't want to be here and I know I don't want to hear about their living situation because I'm hurt and bitter, but I still care about them. I cared about our relationships with each other and I feel like today reflected that they didn't. They just left. They're gone. My roommates are gone. They aren't my roommates anymore. They will never be my roommates again. No more pillow fluffing. My best friends are gone. My best friend is gone. I don't even know if I even deserve to call her that. I probably don't. I wasn't much of a friend to her.

I'm even more heartbroken, but I mean, I brought it upon myself. I should've been the person I wanted to be. I should've been the person they wanted me to be.

I never wanted it to be like this.

There's so much I wish I could have said to both of them before they left. So much I needed to say. So much I needed to explain.

I don't know what's going to happen next. I don't know what our relationships will be like. Will we be friends? Will we be acquaintances? Will things be better? Worse? I don't know, but I'm scared. I need some sort of idea. I don't like not knowing.

It's all my fault.

I fuck everything up and end up abandoned. Always.

Katy said she didn't want to be added to the list of people who have abandoned me, but that's kind of how I feel as of right now. Erin and Katy rejected me, and now they've left and they're going to start over. I hope they're happy. They weren't happy here, so I hope things are much better with their new roommates. I hope they can make up for what I took away. For what I ruined. I can accept not being part of their lives if it makes them happy, but that doesn't make me happy. It breaks my heart.

This past year and a half has been so incredibly hard for me, but I made it more difficult by not reaching out. For not accepting the support offered. I understand that. But things have gone too far. I know my life definitely is not the worst, but it's been rough. Mentally and emotionally, I'm WAY beyond drained.

I can't take it anymore...