I was supposed to wake up early to write my reflection paper, but I ended up waking up 45 minutes late. I ended up not writing my paper and not going to class. Probably a bad choice, but not going to class is what I do when I don't do my homework. And not doing my homework is what I do when I can't focus. And I can't focus when I'm depressed. And I'm depressed because I ruined things with Erin and Katy.
I left in time to get to my internship but spent most of it looking for houses and emailing Laura and Caroline. I think we found one that we want, but having it stay available until we want it might be an issue. But if someone leases it before we get to, then it obviously wasn't meant for us and we'll find someplace better. I'm sure of it. Everything happens for a reason, even if the reason isn't apparent for some time.
When I came home, I should have gone sraight to work on my homework, but I didn't. I cleaned the kitchen instead. I did dishes, I cleaned the stove, I cleaned the counters, I cleaned the microwave, and I swept the floor. Everything. So the kitchen should just need a quick once over when I'm about ready to get out of here. I should've done my homework when I was done cleaning, but I didn't. I surfed around and watched SNL instead. Then I finally wrote my paper at 11 and read for class. I finished a few minutes ago and now I'm writing this.
My reading for tonight was about communicating ethically in interpersonal relationships, and I've discovered I'm not an ethical person. I don't communicate ethically in interpersonal relationships. And it got me thinking about friendships again. Like, is it worth it to stay friends with Erin and Katy. I still think it would be easier if we weren't friends, but that's still not what I want. I want to still be friends with Erin and I want to be best friends with Katy. I want to have that deep friendship that we've talked about. Only after this year, I don't know if I can let that happen. I'll want to create that relationship, only I think I'm going to be far too hurt to let my guard down. To trust. To love. With anyone. I just don't know. I'm hurting and I don't know if that will ever go away. I think it's my fault, and I probably won't ever forgive myself, but Erin and Katy hurt me too. I don't know how and if I can forgive them. I'll need to if we're going to have strong friendships.
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