April 30

I ended up going to implode on the couch downstairs last night. I was texting Katy about it, I always do that, and it wasn't any help. It never is. I think it just strained our relationship more. I'm the problem and I can't seem to fix anything. I make everything worse. Always.

It was incredibly windy this morning, to the point where it kept waking me up and I thought our house was going to fall in. It didn't. But I did wake up one last time to get ready for work.

Oh, work. It was Pepperdine's graduation, so it was incredibly busy all day. It wasn't fun and I wasn't okay with it. I felt loopy for a long time and really dizzy, but there was a point in the afternoon that just was awful. It was way too busy and everyone was flustered. And then the boys were making fun of me because I was visually and verbally showing that I was flustered. I'm always the calm and collected one that's in the background and just does what needs to get done. After that rush was over, everyone was pretty much silent. I finally was able to leave and came straight home.

Katy was getting ready to go to the spa with her mom and aunt when I was getting home and Erin was just chillaxing. After some chillaxing of my own, Erin and I chatted about some things. The chat about how I had been feeling didn't go the way I wanted it to and I didn't say nearly all the things I had planned on saying, but whatever. I didn't really feel like she wanted to listen anyway. And her responses didn't seem genuine. But I never talk to Erin about personal stuff, so maybe that's just how she always responds. I don't know. What I do know is that whenever I try to vent to people, I always feel worse than I did before. I'm always more hurt, more mad, more sad, or more confused. Aren't I supposed to be feeling better after venting?

Katy came home and went straight to talk to Erin. I'm trying not to take it personal, but I can't help it. And I'm jealous. I want to talk to Katy about stuff. I can't talk to Katy about my stuff if she doesn't talk to me about her stuff. But I'm sure she feels the same way. I just don't know how to start that cycle. I asked her about her day and everything, and she told me, but she didn't ask me about my day, so I'm not just going to start talking. But maybe I should. I don't know. I mentioned how I talked to Erin and she asked, "How did that go?" I told her it was okay, but I didn't say everything I wanted to say, and that was it. She didn't ask for more, but I needed her to. I need to be pushed.

And tonight was the last night of finals week. Nothing happened. This semester's finals week sucked. I'm pretty sad about it. It was my last real finals week with Katy.