Today didn’t go the way I had imagined it would. At all.
As usual, I woke up later than I wanted to, but I was still on time for class. Class consisted entirely of case study presentations, and originally my group wanted to go first, but because I had a splitting headache and was in no mood to improvise, I asked my team if we could go tomorrow. They agreed, but because we had time for one last group, we got stuck presenting. It was fine, it just could have been better.
After class I ran over to Ralphs real quick and then went over to Charter to turn in the wireless router and the like. At noon, I met up with Katy at Coogies for lunch and to chat about where our friendship stands. I had no clue how to act at lunch, so I was a little uncomfy, and I froze when Katy asked if we were going to talk. I knew we would, and I wanted to, but not there. I figured tears would be involved since I had already been crying about it by myself, so I wasn’t down to have the restaurant be witness to the waterworks.
We ended up going back to the house to spend time with Wittles and to talk about what we needed to talk about. It was definitely difficult. I can never say what I’m thinking. It makes complete sense in my head, but I can’t articulate my point correctly and my message doesn’t get through. And it didn’t help that I had no clue how to respond to most of Katy’s points. They all made sense, and I understood where she was coming from, I just couldn’t respond. A lot of what was said hurt, but it was warranted. For sure. Not a whole lot was accomplished before I had to go to my dr. appointment.
My blood pressure was high and I mentioned how I was having chest pain for a while, so they ran some tests on my heart. It’s fine, aside from the murmur, but that isn’t something to worry about. I got a shot, some new meds, and was on my way back home to finish that convo.
Erin was over when I came back, and since I hadn’t seen or talked to her since before she left, I didn’t really know how to act. I was afraid that having the three of us there, talking, would turn into an infamous family meeting. I always felt, I don’t know, bombarded with information during those. I wasn’t down. Erin asked if she could stay, and I didn’t give her the nicest answer possible, but it was what I meant. And it didn’t sit well, so we ended up texting about it for a while after that. It didn’t solve anything. I would love to fix all of the problems I’ve created, I just don’t know how. I feel absolutely horrendous that I caused so many issues and that I can't seem to do anything to fix them. And I hate that it doesn't seem like I care. About any of it. Because I do. The rest of the conversation between Katy and I didn’t go all that differently than the first part, but we came to the conclusion that we’d take a break this summer. It’s a good idea in theory, I’m just afraid that 1 of 2 things will happen. It’s going to be awkward between us, or we’ll pretend that everything’s fine. I don’t like either of those choices.
I take full responsibility for this year and for how difficult things have been. I tore myself up after Katy left, and I came to a lot of conclusions, all negative towards me, but I also tried to figure out what I need to do to get my shit together. I obviously didn’t try hard enough to make the friendships with Erin and Katy work. I obviously didn’t put in enough effort. I obviously was too self centered to make anything work. I need to put in the work and effort into fixing myself, and then I can put in the work and effort into saving those relationships. I have to better myself regardless, since I CANNOT continue the way I've been going, but it's imperative if I want a shot at making anything better with Erin and Katy. After today's text convo with Erin, I don't think that'll happen, but maybe. Maybe I can fix things.
After I ripped myself a new one, Victoria called and asked if they could start moving stuff in. I was all packed and ready to go, so I said they could. Scout got to say bye to one of her friends that I didn’t know about until minutes before, and then we set off. I was pretty upset at myself and in no mood to meet new boys, so I passed Devon’s apartment and headed home. That's what I do. When I'm upset, I run away. I go for a drive, I sit in the garage, or I go home. I tried explaining to my mom why I was so upset, but 1, I can’t explain things very well, and 2, my mom just doesn’t get it. After some Advil, some food, and some TV, I was good as new.
I think I’m choosing between these three. I have until the end of summer to figure it out.
Back to the Start
Live and Let Go
Catastrophe
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