I was a mess yesterday and I'm not proud of it. Lapse of self control. Lapse of strength. Lapse of courage. Everything. It was stupid and shouldn't have happened. I had another tear fest when I went to bed last night, but not because I was upset or anything. Well, I guess I was upset, but not like that. I just can't help but wish I could fix things. I am so sorry for everything I've done, and didn't do, to the point where it drove me to tears. It was comparable to how much I cried after the last time I talked to Katy. But I wasn't tearing myself up this time. I genuinely felt sad and sorry. And I don't think there's any amount of apologizing that can fix things. I don't know how to fix things. I don't even think I deserve the chance after what I've done. And that kills me. I am so sorry.
Normally being held and told that everything would be okay would suffice, but I needed more last night. I would have given anything to have been able to just talk through what was going on in my head. I needed someone to listen. Just listen. No words needed to be spoken back. I just needed to verbally express the thoughts and feelings in my head. That someone couldn't be just anyone, despite how I normally tend to vent. This someone needed to be the someone. The someone I've always wanted but never allowed myself to have. The one I was always too afraid to have. I would still love it if I were able to develop that kind of relationship with Erin and/or Katy, but to be honest, the more and more I think about it, the more and more I don't think it will never happen. I'm starting to think that maybe even being friends won't happen. And it's heartbreaking that that thought has been running through my mind. I don't deserve their time. I don't deserve another chance. I was given too many to begin with. I'm thankful for that extra time, I just regret not using it the right way. I don't think I could ever make it up to them. I don't think I could ever give them everything they gave to me. If given the chance, I would do everything in my power to try. I know what to do, I just don't know how to do it. It'll be a learning process and it might take some time, but I would make sure it was worth it. But I still don't think I deserve that chance. There's really no guarantee that anything would change.
I was able to fall asleep around 2:30, but Scout was being spastic all morning and woke me up at multiple times. Unfortunately, she didn't wake me up when I was supposed to wake up, so instead, I woke up when I was suppose to leave for Motive. I was only 10 minutes late, so it worked out. I actually did stuff today, but the intern schedule got shifted around. So now instead of having all the interns in on the same days, it's limited to 3 a day. And my days to come in are now Wednesday and Friday. However, Becca texted me about an hour ago asking if I could come in tomorrow. I have nothing better to do, so I agreed to come in.
My head was full of doubts on my drive home, and I tried to fight it, but I couldn't. As much progress that I had thought I made recently, it's really nothing. I have so much further to go in order to get my act together. Maybe I really do need to actively seek help. It would be so much easier to give up at this point, to just go back to the way things were, but I wasn't happy like that. I don't know if I'll be happy in the future, but I'd like to hope I will be. I hope I can at least reach some level of complacency and not feel like it's always me against the world. But I guess that's selfishness. I need to be less selfish.
I'm just scared. What if I don't get better? What if it's impossible for me to change? What if I really am incapable of being the person I always wished I could be?
I've been failing for years, but I guess that just means I'm not trying hard enough. I really don't have the energy anymore. I have the goal in mind, although possibly unobtainable, and I have the motivation, I just need the drive and energy. And support. Support would be fantastic right about now, but I don't really know where to get that. I'm not enough.
I need to know that everything's going to be okay.
Right now, I don't see signs that it will.
No comments:
Post a Comment