Nico left a little after Melanie did, but then Armando had a friend come over and they were being loud well into the early hours of the morning. I wasn’t all that okay with it, but at least I didn’t have to wake up early. I felt bad for Tim though. He had class at 8. Armando is just so loud.
I woke up, struggled with the idea of being active, and then forced myself to go running. It sucked since I hadn’t done any real physical activity since lacrosse, but whipping myself into shape should include my body too, not just my mind and emotions.
I spent most of the rest of the day lounging around the apartment, reading and surfing around online. Around 6:30 I finally ventured out and went to Kinkos to print off a portfolio and resume for my Rock Square interview. I was being kind of picky so I didn’t want to tell them to reprint and rebind my portfolio when then bound it on top of the pages instead of on the edge. I’ll go back in the morning. I probably shouldn’t take on an internship in the fall until I know I can handle it, but I think I’ll be able to handle it. Especially if I drop COM 220 since I don’t need it. But I have wanted to take it, so I probably should. If Daum’s teaching it, I’ll take it. If not, I’ll drop it.
When I came back to the apartment, the boys weren’t home, and neither was Scout. I was freaking out. For real. I looked everywhere. I went out on the balcony to see if maybe she was out there, but she wasn’t. So I looked down. There she was, calling back at me. I ran outside, ran down the stairs, and ran out to where I saw here. She ran to me and scooped her up and brought her inside. I texted Tim and he seemed equally worried, he likes her and talks to her all the time, and he was upset when he got home. We think it’s Nico’s fault. He leaves the door open a lot. Regardless, I’m really glad she’s okay. She’s been stressing me out lately.
I spent the rest of the evening looking for houses. I’m really starting to stress about it. There’s only one house that actually fits what we want and can afford, but it’s kind of far. I drove by it today on my way home from Kinkos, and I don’t think I’m down. And it was tucked away in a corner of a culdesac like some stepchild. It sucks that I’m the only one looking. Ashlyee and Laura aren’t doing anything and Caroline can’t. It’s stressful and frustrating. I wish I could just find something for myself at this point. Maybe I should…
And every time my phone buzzes, I still hope it’s them. It never is. It probably won’t ever be.
Further exploration:
My box was built based on how I wanted other people to see me, on how I saw myself, at a certain place and time. My box is a persona. Outgrowing it has become painful and I feel helpless and ashamed that it’s come to this point. I know its contours so well. It’s been chafing and cutting off my circulation, killing me, but I’ve been too stuck to do anything about it. Through unfortunate circumstances and heartbreak, I don’t really have a choice other than to finally break free. To leave this box behind, once and for all.
My relationships between people that I care about and people I don’t are completely backwards. For the people that are important to me, the ones I care about, I keep them the farthest away. I do it to protect myself. I figure if I don’t get too attached, I wont be so hurt when the get up and leave, just like everyone else. But I always get attached. I always care. And I get hurt when they get up and leave. The people that I don’t really care about are the people I’m most open with. I don’t care about their opinions of me, so it’s easier to speak freely. I feel I have a solid group of these types of people, and I love spending time with them and venting to them, but I wouldn’t consider any of them best friend material. The people I keep away, push away, drive away, those are the people that I want to keep around. It’s so stupid that I can see what I’m doing, and how it doesn’t work or make sense, yet I do it anyway. And it seems like I don’t care about those important people, but I really really do. I love them. And it kills that they can’t see that and others can. It kills that they don’t believe me.
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