June 21

I didn’t fall asleep until 4:30.

But I woke up at 10:30, so I guess I got a fair amount of sleep.  And then I ended up falling asleep from 2:30-5.  I needed it I think.

I was too lazy/tired to make any rash decisions today.

I did, however, have a little bit of a panic attack.  I was thinking about what I’m going to do about my living situation for this upcoming year.  I am genuinely scared.  I’m extremely worried about it now.  I can’t find a place I can afford on my own, and even if I did, I’d be terribly lonely.  I don’t want to have to move back onto campus because that’s pathetic, more expensive, and I’d lose Scout.  But if I’m desperate, I’m desperate.  And I’m scared that I’ll end up with randos and this year will just be uncomfortable and I won’t want to be home ever.  I am so scared.  It’s all my fault.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I don’t want this year to be miserable.

But maybe moving back home would be best.  Maybe being away from everyone will guarantee that I won’t hurt anyone again.  If not living around campus will ensure that I won’t hurt anyone, I’ll do it in a heartbeat.  Even at the expense of my happiness.

Backsliding.

The second panic attack came around 8 when Melanie came over.  She was talking about how great her house and her roommates are and I just lost it.  I’ve been missing Erin and Katy TERRIBLY and I was trying really really hard to just get over that whole bit of drama, but being stressed out about my lack of plans and hearing about their great ones just pushed me over the edge.  I thought I could handle it, but I was wrong.  I'm not ready yet.  I don't know if I'll ever be.  I started bawling alone in my room.  Probably not the best idea, but I popped open a bottle of booze I had in my room.  And then another.  It just fueled the fire.  I was scared.  I was mad.  I was sad.  I was hurt.  I was bitter.  I was confused.  I was overwhelmed.  I was drunk.  I needed to leave, but I couldn’t.  Again, I needed to be held and told that everything would be okay.  98% of the time, that's all I need.  At least to calm me down.  I also miss hugs terribly.  Good ones.  The hugs from my mom, my grandparents, and Katy are worth 10 times more than anyone else's.  Those are quality.  Those mean something.  I crave those in times like these.

I thought about calling my mom, but I was in no condition.  Besides, she would have given me advice that wasn't satisfactory anyway.  I really have nobody to turn to.  I had been fighting for so long to prove that I could take care of myself and that I didn't need anybody, but now that I really do need someone, they're gone.  I've driven everyone away or haven't allowed them anywhere close.  Now I have no choice but to take care of myself.  And I can't.  I can't do it.  I'm toxic to myself and anyone who comes close.

Maybe I should take a year off from school.  A semester.  Maybe I should transfer.  Maybe I should disappear for a while.

Sometimes I wish I really could just self destruct.  Really self implode.  But I’m not that selfish.  I’m wallowing again, but it feels likes shit is thrown at me non stop.  I can’t deal with it.  Multiple housing issues, London, family stuff, friend stuff, job stuff.  Non stop.  It needs to stop.

Or I will.