I slept fairly well, except I woke up at 3:30 and was totally ready to start my day. That was far too early, so I slept for another 4 hours. Class was short and sweet, so before I went home, I swung by the apartment to unload some left over things that were still in my car. It was such a beautiful morning in Malibu, I really didn’t want to leave. But my drive home wasn’t bad at all, weather wise. Thought wise, it wasn’t nearly as bad as the day before, but it wasn’t good either. Again, I was blaming myself for everything. And I was thinking a lot about the big talk yesterday. I’m not happy with most of my responses and I’m not happy that I couldn’t respond to some points. After I’ve stewed over it, I can answer them/give better answers. But it’s too late. I think it would have been too late regardless. And then I started thinking about how, if I do get my act together, what difference would that make with the relationships I’ve already ruined? Why should I get another chance? I don’t deserve one. I didn’t deserve all of the other chances given. I messed up. I wish I could take it all back and do it the right way. Be the person I should have been from the start. I wish I never hurt anybody, including myself. I’ve hurt myself over and over again, but it absolutely kills me that I’ve hurt people that mean something to me. I can never apologize enough. I’m sorry for a lot of things, but most of all that I never had the courage to say that, no matter what happens next, I’ll never be anything but grateful for every moment I spent with them. And even though I keep fumbling for the right words, all I really wanted to say was thank you. I’ve lost too many important people. No, I drove away too many important people.
My grandparents couldn’t have been happier to see me when I got to their house. I loved it and it made me happy. I missed them. I showed them my car, my grandpa showed me all the new plants growing in the backyard, my grandma made us lunch, and it was great. After lunch, my grandpa went to go hibernate, so my grandma and I fed some baby birds and then sat around talking. She asked about school, about what I wanted to do after graduation, what some people from Ocean View, EWMS, and Cal were doing, and then I headed out after my grandpa woke up.
Home home was nice. I just hung out with my mom, Scout, and Diva mostly. Scout wasn’t cool with Romeo, Rico wasn’t cool with Scout, but Scout and Diva got along great. I thought it was silly. I didn’t stay too long at home, so right around 3 I packed up and set out for Malibu. Thoughts weren’t so much of an issue on that drive since Scout was being a pretty good distraction. We made it back about an hour later and got settled in. After an hour of sending emails, one of which was to confirm an interview for a fall graphic design internship that I asked about yesterday, and searching for houses, I decided to nap. It was much needed.
After my nap, I watched Scout continue to explore the apartment, then we both made ourselves comfy in the living room. It’s a shame I don’t have the internet in my room. But I don’t have a view in there, so the watching the waves in the living room isn’t so bad. Scout seemed to enjoy it. Armando and Nico were gone, but Tim was around, playing some video game. When he escaped his little world, we studied for COM together. It was cute.
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