June 18

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

This morning started off with going to look at a house with Laura.  I wasn’t a fan, but we could make it work if we had to.  And we’d really have to try to make it work.  Laura and I went back to her apartment and discussed options.  I was optimistic when I left.

When I checked my email when I got home at 11:45, my optimism crashed and blew up in a ball of flames.  I’m kind of pissed, but kind of not.  I don’t really know.  The sparknotes version of the email goes something like this:  Turns out Caroline can’t afford any of the houses we want, so the best option is to just stay in Laura’s apartment.  Staying in Laura’s apartment means Laura and I would be sharing a small “master” bedroom and I couldn’t keep Scout.  The cost would be significantly lower than ALL other options, but I don’t want to share a Hayes sized room and not be able to keep Scout.  Especially when I wasn’t really looking forward to living with them in the first place.  And the email also suggested that I find my own place and just come over for weekly dinners and game nights.  Fuck.  So I’ll either find my own place, move back home, or find someone to live with.  Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.  All this time, wasted.  Maaaad stressin’.  Living by myself definitely has some perks, but I'm afraid I'll be terribly lonely and I'll end up being a hermit.  Moving back home would be cheaper, but commuting would be such a pain and I'd for sure not have a social life or see anyone ever.  And I have absolutely no clue who is in need of a roommate.  Fuck.  I'll figure it out.  I have to.  I wouldn't be in this position if I was a good friend to the people that mattered most.  That's what it comes down to.  I'd still be with them, in a happy home.  I shouldn't, but I'm probably going to beat myself up about that and cry myself to sleep.  FUCK.

On a lighter note, everything before the email went well.  I drove home to see my dad, but stopped by to see my grandparents first.  They were on their way to lunch, so I joined them.  I missed them so much.  I just love spending time with them.  They are so funny together and it’s great.  They were being nostalgic and telling me stories about when I was a baby that I had no recollection of and was surprised that they did since they forget what they say right after they said it.  And my grandma was telling me how hard it was to go from seeing me practically every day of my life to suddenly have me move away to school and now she barely sees me.  It was sad, but sweet.  I love them so much.

After our late lunch, I headed over to my dad’s where the Baxters were napping and then we all went to mass.  I couldn’t remember the last time I had gone, so I felt guilty, but just for a second.  And then I would feel guilty when I realized I wasn’t paying attention, but when I tried, I just couldn’t.  Whatever. 

After dinner we went to Benihana for dinner, which went longer than I was expecting, and then we got home around 9.  I was hoping to leave for Malibu after that, but my dad had me help him around the house with stuff until 10:30.  He thought I was staying with my mom tonight, but I let him know that I had an hour of driving to do.  So he let me leave.

And then I checked my email and died a little.  It’s just frustrating that I could have found myself something a month ago, but stopped looking/trying because I thought I’d have a solid plan with Laura, Ashlyee, and Caroline.  I don’t understand why it has to be so difficult. 

Stressed to the maxxxxxx and back.