June 8

Early start.
I woke up early so I could go to Kinkos, only the Kinkos Mapquest sent me to is now a GIANT pit.  Thankfully there was a Staples print and copy center near by.  I printed off my portfolio and then went to my interview.  I think it went well.  They aren't at all what I was expecting, but I'm still interested.  And it's run by past Waves, so I think my chances of getting it are pretty good.  We'll see.  It'd be nice.

Motive wasn't too exciting, except I stayed until 9 so I could watch a rough cut of a movie we might market.  It was really rough, but it was good.

I'm super tired, so I think I'm going to get ready for bed and turn in early.

More exploration:

I’ve been stuck in retrospect.  Looking back, figuring out how my life would be different, would be better, if I just did one thing differently.  One yes instead of no.  One push of a button, one phone call, one step, one word instead of another.  But I have to realize that I can’t go back and change anything.  What’s done is done.  The problem with being stuck in retrospect is that it cannot be done without pretty much abandoning the present and future.  And when I muck around back there and refuse to let anything end, even though I know in my heart that it ended and how, I’m cheating.  I’m not letting my life move forward.  I’m choosing not to let my life move on.  I’m choosing not to experience what fate has planned out for me.  I’m playing God.

My dad always tells me, “Give it up to God.  Give it up to the Universe,” like it says to do in The Secret.  And I have.  I’ve prayed, I’ve sent out what I want to the Universe, but things have hit rock bottom.  Conceding all control up to a higher power may work for some people, but I feel like feeling better, making things better, is my responsibility and I need to work for it.  I can’t just give that to something else to fix.  I’ve told myself over and over again that I need to fix things, that I need to get better, and others have told me, yet I’ve sat and let things get worse.  I feel like over the course of this year, I have hit rock bottom.  Driving the people away that were most important to me was the sign I needed that I really HAVE to get my act together.  “Everything happens for a reason.”  Now I see what the reason is.  It needed to happen in order to save myself.  I just hope that in saving myself I can save the relationships I’ve ruined.  I’m hopeful, but I’ll just have to accept it if it doesn’t work that way.