I woke up early, ready to go, except I wasn’t ready to finish my essay for my COM final. I whipped it up as quickly as I could, but it wasn’t any good. I didn’t think my midterm essay was any good either, but I ended up getting a 50 out of 50 on it. I don’t think I’ll be so lucky this time. I do, however, feel pretty good about the test portion of the final. Hopefully my grade won’t be too terrible.
I was done super early, so I headed to Santa Monica and hung out in Barnes and Noble for a while before getting my green tea latte and going over to Motive. My day was long and consisted mostly of bitch work, but it wasn’t too bad. And I went and had a sit down lunch for the first time. Normally I go pick something up and bring it back to the office, but I decided to stay and eat this time. It was nice.
When I got back to the apartment, the boys were sitting around talking, so I joined them. It’s all very silly, living with boys. They’re so different than girls. My mom told be a while ago that I should live with boys this year, but I think she was kidding. I should’ve looked into it. I bet I would be more excited than I am now. I’m not excited at all. I kind of wish finding a single would have worked out.
Armando left to who knows where, Nico went clubbing, and Tim was playing his video game for forever, so I just went in my room to chillax. I really wish the internet worked in my room. It’s a shame that it doesn’t. And it’s a shame that the connection is so slow. But when you have a 180 degree view of the ocean, you probably shouldn’t be staring at your computer screen anyway. The ocean sure is beautiful. I wish I could stay in Malibu. Living through the canyon won’t be so bad. It’ll be warmer, so that’ll be nice.
While I was chillaxing, I started thinking. I started thinking about how I’ve been stuck in this rut. Stuck in this cycle. Stuck in this funk. But that’s just an excuse. People are creatures of habit. The more we think or do anything, the easier it becomes with time. After a while, it’s second nature and we operate on auto pilot. In my case, self-destructive thoughts have become second nature. Also, training myself to only be concerned with my world has left me unaware of the worlds of others that I should be more concerned about.
I’ve stayed stuck because I am lazy. By lazy, I mean my temptation to take it easy, let it slide, pull the covers over my head. Denial is a kind of laziness. Avoidance is another. Change, coming unstuck, is strenuous. Altering attitudes, routines, beliefs, goals. Everything. It takes work. I’ve stayed stuck because I’m scared. Coming unstuck is terrifying. Coming unstuck means risk. Exposure. Trading the familiar for potential failure. But I’ve been failing, so what’s to lose? I’ve stayed stuck because I have no idea who I am and I don’t really want to know. Coming unstuck requires facing who I am and the facts: whatever led me here and why. Getting unstuck, becoming free, requires vitality, bravery, and enough honesty with myself, about myself, to change. It can happen.
I think a big part of me is stuck in the past. I keep looking back and trying to find reasons for why I’m like how I am. And I can pinpoint exact events that have, in my opinion caused me to act the way I do. Have caused me to think the way I do. But because I’m always looking back, always replaying past events, I don’t pay attention to the now. I don’t pay attention to what’s going on around me. That’s caused me to become self-centered and not pay mind to others that may have needed me. Ignored. Insulted. Rejected. Negated. Erased. And I cannot be more sorry.
I think I know exactly where I want to go from here, but I’m already really tired and don’t want to force myself to stay up and try to be deep. I’ll probably continue tomorrow. Tonight will be night number 4. Day 1, night 4.
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