I haven’t cried myself to sleep over the past 4 nights. Success! I haven’t cried in 2 days. Love it. So last night, around 2:15, I was awakened by the sound of Nico, some other boy(s), and Erin and Katy’s roommates drunkenly stumbling into the apartment. They were loud and I was worried about Scout, but I didn’t think it was my place to go out and say something. I was tempted to send an angry text, but I was glad that I had erased a good amount of phone numbers and couldn’t. I’m glad I planned ahead. They finally went to bed, so I was able to fall back asleep around 4:30. Not ideal. This morning wasn’t all that different. And apparently they let Scout outside and she got onto the neighbor’s balcony, but she came back. I was worried. For real though. That’s my baby girl. I don’t care if she’s just a cat.
I spent most of the afternoon with Maddie on 3rd Street, but it wasn’t a very successful trip. Maddie needed something to wear to a wedding, but only ended up getting shoes. I wasn’t really looking for anything, and didn’t get anything, so that’s okay. I was just there for support. And to get out of the apartment.
The rest of the evening was pretty chill. Scout and I napped together for a little bit and then I spent a few hours listening to music and talking with Tim and Nico. Scout went on a 45 minute adventure going from balcony to balcony that I was not okay with, but she came back. I was scared. We ate dinner together, Nico went to some party, and Tim and I just chillaxed for the rest of the night.
To continue with my exploration of self and why I am stuck, I think I’m going to start at the very beginning and work my towards the present. I already have it all written out, I had a lot of time on my hands today, but I think I’m going to break it into a few chunks.
My parents split up when I was 19 months old, too early to really know what was going on, so that’s really all I’ve ever known. But I think that that has played a huge role in who I am today. My mom worked a lot in order to support the two of us, so I was pretty much raised by my grandparents. I saw my dad every other weekend, but he wasn’t around a whole lot. I grew up in a not so great neighborhood in a not so great house, far away from school, so I never had any friends over and I was never able to go over to any of their houses. I missed out on a childhood. I was forced to grow up too early, but nobody really taught me how. It was just expected of me. But I’ve been mimicking adults ever since. I don’t really know if I’ve been doing it right. I think what forced me to grow up the most at that age was my mom’s financial issues. It was normal to have the utilities shut off every month because the bill was late or couldn’t be paid. It was normal not to have money for groceries. It was normal to have to wait to get new clothes for school, even if I needed them. So I just stopped asking. I knew we couldn’t afford it. My dad could help if we asked, but we didn’t want to have to ask. And when I had my own money, my mom would ask me to help out, and I would, but I could tell that she felt awful. It still happens on occasion, but she’s doing a lot better only having to support herself for the most part.
I don’t think it was my family’s plan to force me to grow up, but that’s what happened. I don’t think they meant to not teach me the necessary skills, like communicating, but that’s what happened. My family is made up of very proud individuals that do not like to talk about personal problems and do not like to ask for help. I’m almost positive that’s influenced me. But they don’t talk about their issues, they’re feelings, none of it. I don’t talk about my issues, my feelings, none of it. I was mimicking them and it ended up ruining me. That’s not a functional communicating relationship, but that’s all I ever knew because my childhood was lost. I didn’t have time to experiment with how relationships are built. And my dad, who loves to hear himself speak, would tell me everything. But I never spent enough time with him, so I didn’t really learn that skill. And when I found out he was engaged, from a waitress, my trust in him was shattered. If my family didn’t discuss important things with each other, with people that matter, why should I discuss important things with them? So I didn’t. And when I try now, it doesn’t seem to go over as well as it should.
Self exploration tbc...
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