For the first time in a while, I had no problem falling asleep. I didn’t sleep well, but at least I wasn’t lying awake for hours before finally drifting off to sleep. I woke up early, still 15 minutes late, and got ready to head out for school. I said bye to everyone and then was on the road by 7:15. Had I left at 7 like I originally planned, I would have made it to school on time. Traffic was bad and my mind was racing 96% of the time. The other 4% was devoted to listening to whatever song was playing. I had lots of time to think due to the traffic, which meant lots of self-destructive thoughts. It’s just so easy now. I’ve become so good at it. I can’t see how anything isn’t my fault. I can’t see how I’m not the cause of every problem in my life. And I hate that I can see exactly what I’m doing, and I know exactly how mad I’m going to get, but I can’t stop it. It floods. It’s become too strong of a force to control. My negative thoughts are out of control. I let them get that way and I’m so afraid that it might be too late to change it. But I have to. For my sanity, I have to. I was 15 minutes late to school, but still in time for roll, and parked in a carpool spot. As expected, there was a ticket on my windshield when I got out of class at 10:15. However, the ticket was time stamped 12:36, so I could probably fight it if I wanted to. But, as usual, I’m not going to fight. I was knowingly in the wrong, so I’m going to pay the fine. It’s only $40.
Motive was both entertaining and excruciatingly boring. I had absolutely nothing to do, so I facebooked, applied to jobs/internships, looked for houses, read some music blogs, sent some e-mails, and didn’t work on my essay for COM. I even looked into the therapist my dr. suggested. I couldn’t find the business card, so I was freaking out a little bit, but I remembered the name, so Google saved the day. I might call, I might not. I probably should. If I’m going to get better in any way, I’m going to need help. I can’t do it on my own. And I can’t just will the help to come. I need to ask for it. And then I’ll need to accept it. I’m willing to put in the effort. I can either waste away like I’ve been doing, or I can overcome whatever this is and actually start living for once. For once I want to feel like I matter. For once I want to feel like I’m worth something and not just this person that destroys everything important to them. Not just a black hole. Decision made. I need to take action. I need to fight. For myself. I’m done wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. That’s stupid and is only making things worse. I’m going to get better and I’m going to do whatever is needed of me. Yes. I’ve said it a million times before, but I’m for real this time. I just need to convince myself that I’m for real this time… It might have been because we were all crammed in one little area today, the conference room was off limits, but we, all the interns and Becca, were being silly. Normally I’m pretty quiet and just do what I’m told and solve problems, but I had stuff to say today. Because I had nothing to do, I peaced out early.
I stopped by CVS to fill my new scripts, but Hady and Tim were in the back of the parking lot, so I stopped by to talk to them first. Before I said a word to Tim, before I was within 10 feet of him, he asked what was wrong. As usual, I said “nothing,” but then he said, “no, something’s wrong.” I wasn’t even totally aware that I was down, but I was. Most definitely. I fessed up and gave him an extremely brief overview and he just said he can see right through me and gave me a hug. He was high, but I’m glad he could still tell and I’m glad he called me out. He always does. After CVS hooked me up, I went in to sbux to say hi to Maddie. Jason was there too, and some new girl, Danielle. I remember when she came in for her interview. She didn’t know what a latte was. And apparently Tim was mad at me after that weekend Daniel came to visit. Tim should know that he’s been in the friend zone since the start and that’s not going to change. Poor guy. I really am a tease. So this month will be interesting.
When all that was done, I went to go move in with boys. Tim and Nico were home and helped me move in my stuff, and then we just sat around and talked for a while until our other roommate, Armando, came home. Then we all started being silly. I loved it. Nico left to go line dancing, Armando disappeared into his room, Tim started doing COM homework, and I slipped away to shower and start on my COM homework. I think this’ll work out just fine for the month. My family has no clue. They’d flip if they knew I was living with boys. I just know it’s going to slip and my mom will find out. I already almost had a texting mishap when she asked how I was settling in. I have to be careful.
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