April 29

I'm not really sleepy, but I should really try to get to bed soon. I have work in the morning.

I had a few unsettling dreams and I woke up after each one. I dreamt about Jason from middle school, and how he asked me to his homecoming. I dreamt about being in a car accident. And I dreamt that I came home and all of Katy's ish was in boxes. I'm sure that one will happen fairly soon. Especially since they get their house in a week. That must be real exciting for them. I remember how excited I was about getting this house. I was even more excited thinking about how great everything was going to be between Erin and Katy and I. I fucked that one up.

Anyway, Erin left for yoga, Katy left to spend the day with her mom and her aunt, and I got ready for work. Erin came home as I was getting ready and I told her that I needed to talk to her today. I had been trying to all week, so actually telling her that I had stuff to say was a good step I think.

I stopped by the bank to wire my last month's rent and then went to work. It wasn't miserable at first, but the busier it got, the more rude people came in, and the more my back started to hurt, the more I grew tired and angry. I am so over that job. Part of my want to just quit now, but another part is saying to stick with the plan and just work through May. But now there's a new twist. My car sitch. I've been paying for my housing and school, so why shouldn't I have to pay for my car too. But in order to do that, I need money. And in order to have money, I need to work. I have a job that pays well, so I might as well keep it. My mom said not to worry about that and to just quit, but I don't know. I really don't like my job, but I feel like the responsible thing to is to keep working. I'll figure it out.

I came home when Katy's mom and aunt were leaving and Katy was getting ready to leave. I tried to be nice, but I was in a shitty mood from work and I was in pain, so I just got in the shower without saying too much. But she said that her day was really good, so that was nice. I'm glad her day went well.

When I got out I thought about going to Caroline's brother's show, but I was too tired and my back still hurt really bad. I ended up just laying on my bed and watching TV. I was really hoping Erin would come home, but she never did. Katy did about an hour ago, and I asked about her day, and it sounded like a great day, but she didn't ask about mine. I would have loved to have vented. I've needed to vent for days. For weeks. For months. For years.

I'm going to try my best to fall asleep quickly and not implode.