*10AM
I drove around and cried for about an hour and a half. I was half expecting a text asking where I was, but one never came. Katy asked if I was coming back towards the end of my drive, but that's not the same. I'm glad they were concerned and I'm glad they asked if I was okay. Oh, wait.
So back to writing like it's today... Today didn't really go as planned, but I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It definitely caused me to think. I went to ART to turn in my project, and that's pretty much all we did. We got out right around 9. As soon as we got out, Rebecca sent me this "My mom asked about you last night. I was talking to her about being depressed and how my level of homesickness is close to being abnormal and she analyzed my sitch by saying that im not happy in sac anymore and a lot of it has to do with the friendships ive made up there not being anywhere close to the friendships ive already had like with you. And she said that the times she saw me happiest in high school were the times like after football games, at norms, stuff for yearbook, council, etc. and all of those times included you! I sincerely miss you pepino... i guess to the point of mild depression. Haha well thats not funny but jeez, we really really need like an entire week together this summer." And she sent me another one about what she wants to do for her 21st in July. So that was sweet and sad and I really was looking forward to going home and thinking about it, but alas, that didn't happen.
Kelle pulled me aside and explained some car trouble and asked if I'd follow her to the dealer. Being the person that I am, I said yes. We dropped her car off and then I dropped her off at her apartment. I came home for a little bit to whip up a bake sale flyer and then went to pick Kelle up to go to lunch and take her to pick up her car. Yesterday when we were doing our group project stuff, she and Caroline had lots to say about their boyfriends and graduation and their life, but none of it was really applicable to me, so I just kind of sat that one out. However, it was my turn today. Kelle asked me about my family, what I wanted to do with my life, about relationships, school... and that got me thinking too. We went to lunch at PF Changs and then went to pick up her car that hadn't been worked on yet. There was some arguing, a failed attempt at renting a car, and then finally it was left there and I took her back to school. It was a pretty uncomfy ride because she was yelling on the phone and made a remark about the car guy being a Mexican that didn't speak English. Not true.
We got back to class, presented our game, which was the best, played other people's games, and then peaced. COM was kind of dumb and we got out early, so whatevs. I came home, debriefed Katy about my day, surfed around, and then went to work.
Work was real busy so it took forever to get stuff done, but it was okay. And lots of people I knew came in, like way more than usual, so that was fun.
I came home, kind of told Erin about my day, she told me about Josh's birthday, and then I got ready for bed. Katy came home a while later and went to go talk to Erin. That's when I got uncomfortable and started thinking about stuff.
2 weeks ago, the world I had built up in my head collapsed. It broke into a million pieces and I had no clue what to do. I was a mess mentally and emotionally. I couldn't focus and I couldn't figure out what I was feeling because my mind was just a jumble of emotions and thoughts. I was a wreck. A week ago, I got to the point where I could focus for a long enough period to get my ish done, but still got distracted. I was able to pick out what emotions I was feeling and why I felt that way. My world still seemed crushed. Now, I know exactly how I feel and why I feel that way. Now, I can focus, but can't help to let my mind wander in my downtime. Now, I need to focus on rebuilding. I've been reevaluating my choices, my actions, and my relationships, and it's been rough. I'm not okay and I don't know when I will be. I've never been more hurt. I've never felt more rejected. I've never been more lost.
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