April 25

What happened last night after I left the house...

I got into my car, contemplated just staying there, but I left to go on a drive instead. I was driving south on pch in the right lane, noticed there was a police car stopped in the right lane, switched into the left lane, and continued to drive under the speed limit towards school. Without ANY warning, the police car cut me off and stopped. I slammed on my brakes, but it was already too late. I hit them. Hard. The police came over and asked if I was okay, said I did nothing wrong, and said it was their fault for stopping in front of me. I was in shock. This was at 12:15. We moved over to the shoulder, a whole bunch of other cops came, and I was asked to tell my story a million times. Finally the tow truck came, I was asked some more questions, and the police drove me home. Quite a way to start off finals week.

I couldn't fall asleep, so I started thinking. I thought about how I was out driving. I was out driving because I couldn't stay in the house. I couldn't stay in the house because I would have continued to hyperventilate if I did. I was hyperventilating because I could hear Erin and Katy talking about housing stuff. That bothered me because I'm still extremely hurt about the whole not living together thing. We're not living together because I'm not good enough. We're not living together because they're done with me. We're not living together because I'm not the person they wanted me to be. We're not living together because I fucked up. We're not living together because I ruined this year for them. So really, it was my fault I was out driving and got in an accident.

I didn't sleep well at all. I had several dreams about being in a car accident and woke up each time. Katy woke up 6 minutes before her final, I woke up when she did and I wasn't able to fall back asleep. I got ready and went to Starbucks with Erin and then she took me to school for my final. It was a dumb art presentation and I was out at 11:15. I called my parents and they had a million questions and concerns, but it wasn't too much to handle. I was still really shaken and talking about it just made me sad and emotional, but it was okay. I pretty much just sat around for another hour and a half freaking out a little bit and crying about everything. Then Dimler showed up. "Hey, Feener! How are you?" "Not so good." And then the tears started flowing. I told her what happened last night and then she said, "I know some gossip that might make you feel better. Mary isn't living with Katy and Erin anymore." I knew that. That's why I left. It didn't make me feel better. Then she asked how I was handling that whole ish. I told her I wasn't handling it well, that I had talked through some things with Katy and thought we'd be okay, but hadn't talked to Erin and didn't think I would since I feel like she's given up on me. Then Dimler said some things about Erin and Katy that didn't quite sit right with me. I thought they were all friends. But it's Dimler we're talking about. Then Erin came over and I felt awkward and Laura kept trying to get me to tell Erin how I felt. No way was I composed enough to do that and I especially wasn't going to do that in front of Dimler.

I was really hoping to get home asap, but we had to buy some people food, so it took a while. After we got home, my dad came and dropped off stuff that was in my car, we talked for a few minutes, and then I came inside to take a nap. I tried being productive when I woke up, and I kind of was, but not as productive as I would have liked. But it's okay.

I watched some TV, surfed around, and now I'm writing this. Erin came home not too long ago and Katy's been in there talking to her ever since she got out of the shower. I wish I could have conversations like they have with someone one day. I hate that that hasn't happened for me yet. I hate that I haven't let that happen yet. I have my headphones in so I won't hear what's going on. It's not like I can leave if I hear something I don't like.

No fun finals week activities tonight. I have a feeling this last finals week is going to continue to suck. I mentioned to Katy that this was our last one, because essentially it is, but she said that we have 2 left. Yes, we do have 2 finals weeks left, but we won't be together. She'll be with her roommates and I'll probably be with mine. I'm not going to feel comfortable going to spend time at her house. I don't think I ever will. I was thinking about that too. I was thinking about the possibility of being invited to do something for Erin's birthday and even Katy's birthday or just invited to go do anything, to go anywhere. I'm not going to want to spend time with their roommates. I just can't. It'll be too awkward. I just rather not put myself through that. I'm sure I'll miss out on a lot, but I won't put myself through that torture.

a post that i forgot about from May 21, 2006. "[as i sit here in front of the computer], i reaLize what the most important thing in life is. the one thing that makes you happy, the thing that without we wouLd die. the one thing everyone shouLd have. no, it is not love, but friendship. 'true friendship, unLike love, aLways lasts forever.' aLL our lives we search for someone to love, someone who makes us compLete. we choose partners and change partners. we dance to a song of heartbreaka nd hope, all the whiLe wondering if somewhere and somehow there is someone searching for us. when reaLLy the peopLe we need most are standing right beside us. 'friendship is everlasting love.' something that wiLL aLways be there. materiaL things cannot make the souL feeL compLete. onLy the love, trust, and loyaLty of friends can do that. so this bLog, i dedicate to you. my friends, new and oLd."