April 10

You know that feeling?

When you're just waiting.

Waiting to get home, into your room,

close the door, fall into bed,

and just let everything out that you kept in all day.

That feeling of both relief and desperation.

Nothing is wrong,

but nothing is right either.

And you're tired.

Tired of everything, tired of nothing.

And you just want someone to be there

and tell you it's okay.

But no one's going to be there.

And you know you have to be strong,

for yourself, because no one can fix you.

But you're tired of waiting.

Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else.

Tired of being strong.

And for once, you just want it to be easy.

To be simple. To be helped. To be saved.

But you know you won't be.

But you're still hoping.

And you're still wishing.

And you're still staying strong and fighting,

with tears in your eyes.

You're fighting.

The first part of the day wasn't too bad at all. I left the house a little later than I wanted to, but it didn't really matter in the long run. I headed to the bank and then to sbux, and I even got Johnny to cover my shift on Friday so I could go to my interview at Motive. I headed over to visit Katy/deliver her drink and bagel and we chatted for a bit. I guess Erin's cousin is going to stay with us for a week or two. Random, and kind of weird, but I can't say no to family.

I spent most of the afternoon doing homework in Payson, but then my mind started to wander and I lost focus. After an hour of failing to be productive, I headed over to Kinkos to get some stuff printed. I intended on going back to school, but opted for going home instead. After I cut out my pages to my vocab book for art, I left again, intending on going back to the library, but I ended up driving around for a while, letting my thoughts take over, making me sad and overwhelmed. There's so much that I've been wanting/needing to talk about, and I haven't. Dave was out last week and will be out this week, so I can't talk to him. I don't want to vent to my family even though they've told me that I can. I would love to talk to Katy, but I feel like I shouldn't. I don't want to ruin her day by venting about mine. And Erin and I haven't really spoken to each other in weeks, so I'm not going to vent to her. However, we really do need to talk. I think if we don't do it this week, we're never going to and the rest of the year is just going to be awkward and we aren't going to be okay next year.

Even though the content and circumstance was unfortunate, I have to say that I liked venting to Katy 2 1/2 weeks ago. I don't think I had ever let myself be that open with her, and it was nice. It was scary, but it was nice. It felt great to say what I was feeling. Or at least try to say. I'm not super articulate and a lot of the time I can't really pin point what I want to say. But still. It was nice. I miss it. I wish I was still venting, because I need to. I just feel like I shouldn't. And I know we had that conversation before, and it's supposed to be okay for me to vent as long as I reciprocate, and I will, I just don't think that's fair to Katy. She has her own stuff to deal with, so I don't want to put my stuff on her too. And she seems happy, so I don't want to bring her down. I'll be okay.

I came home for a second, but I couldn't stay. I was holding back tears the entire time and I needed to get out. I cried on my way to CVS, I cried on my way out of CVS because they didn't have what I needed, and then I headed to the caf for dinner. Erin was going to let me know when she got out of her meeting so we could meet up for dinner, but that never happened. After dinner I was intending on driving around and crying, but several people asked about shirts, so I went back to Payson, handed out shirts, and got some homework done. I felt better, but that was just a bandaid. It didn't fix anything. I need to talk about everything in order to fix it. But who can I talk to?