April 12

I'm real dizzy for some reason. I don't know what's up. I think it's because I'm breathing funny. My chest feels heavy. I think it's because I'm overwhelmed and because the hypothetical plans I had for Tuesday just crashed and burned. But they weren't set in stone, so I really shouldn't be bent out of shape at all. Except I am. I think the real reason I'm bent out of shape is because Erin and Katy are going out, and I wasn't invited. Erin asked me as a side comment, but it didn't feel genuine. I'm not invited. Again. But it's okay. I'll have work and homework that day, I'm sure. No big deal.

Anyway, my day was a little overwhelming, but I didn't go into catastrophe mode about it. I was supposed to go see a trial with Jordan, but she texted saying she was a mess and couldn't go, and I didn't really want to go anyway, so I just didn't. Instead, I hardcore stressed about all the ish that needs to get done between now and the last day of school. And I got a call about interviewing for another internship, so that was cool. Only they wanted me to come in this week and I have absolutely no time, so that was also stressful. I'm ditching graphics to go. And then I'll have another one on Friday and then go see a trial. It'll be fine. I'll be fine.

I had homework to do, but I was stressing and unmotivated, so Scout convinced me to take a nap. It helped. And I got my homework done before going to work, which wasn't all that special. When I came home, I kind of got the sense that Katy was mad at me. I don't know. Maybe it was just a long day. Maybe both. But she perked up when Erin came home, so that's good I guess. I'm glad they have each other, I'm just real sad I'm not in that mix too. I feel like I lost Erin a long time ago and I think I'm losing Katy. It breaks my heart, but I don't know what to do about it. I would say something, but again, I don't feel like I should. I feel like I'm not supposed to. I don't want to bring her down more than I already have. I'm a terrible friend for dragging her down as much as I have. That breaks my heart too. I hate it.

There's so much I need to say.

I needed to cry and didn't really feel like crying in front of Katy, so I went down to my car in the garage for a few minutes. I needed it, but it kind of turned into hyperventilating, and now I'm not breathing correctly. I'm a mess. I'm not strong enough to keep everything in. I need help. I need someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay.