July 10

It hurts sometimes and I feel like I can’t do anything about it.  Almost “stuck”.

Today was pretty darn good.

I just chilled around the house until it was time to go to lunch with my dad and Jennifer.  I had invited Daniel, but he said it would be awkward if he went, so he declined.  His loss.  Lunch was great and then Daniel came to pick me up from my dad’s after we got home.  He said he had been to his house before, but I don’t know if I believe that.  As soon as we left, Daniel was telling me how scared he was to be in my house and talking to my dad.  I don’t know why he gets so nervous around him.  My dad likes him.  A lot.  Silly boy.

We then ventured off to get some boba, even though I was SUPER full from lunch, and then headed over to the movies to see Horrible Bosses.  It wasn’t the greatest, but it was entertaining.  We still wanted to spend some time together, so after a little bit of driving, we ended up at Downtown Disney.  Unfortunately, I’m blocked until the end of August, so we couldn’t go into either park, but we still had a great time just walking around, being silly, and catching up.

I love that boy.  I might even be in love with him, which scares me a little bit.  We love spending time together and we know each other pretty well.  We’ve grown up together and we’ve been through a lot.  We match.  He makes me happy.  We’d be happy together, but I just don’t know if that’s enough.  Even if I was in love with him.  It wouldn’t last.  I know, deep down, that there’s someone better.  Someone that fits with me perfectly.  Daniel’s not that guy.  Even though I know it’d work out for at least a while, I feel like being in a relationship with Daniel would be settling.  I want to find the man I’m going to marry, and if I know that that isn’t Daniel, why should I pretend that it could be?  I don’t want to use Daniel as a place holder until I find “the one,” but I can’t help but feel like maybe settling wouldn’t be such a bad thing.  What if “the one” doesn’t exist for me?  What if Daniel is going to be as good as it gets?  If I’ve been having these doubts for months, years really, then I should stop humoring the idea of being in a relationship with him.  I don’t see why we should change what we have going on right now.  Sure, every time we brush hands while walking I wish he’d take mine in his, but I don’t need him to.  Our friendship has its benefits and I think it works.  I don’t want to lose him too.