July 5

I woke up an hour later than I had planned, but it ended up working out.  Becca texted asking if I could go in today since I missed on Friday, but I had other things to take care of.

I headed out to Malibu to take care of some things and to take a look at what my future will be like.  It’s pretty odd how things are turning out.  Things that I never thought would happen have happened and my life feels like it’s been turned upside down, over and over again.  I’m sure it will just continue to surprise me.

I thought about going to the beach since it was beautiful out, which only makes sense now that I don’t live there, but it was already late in the afternoon and I wanted to get home before the traffic got too bad.  I’ll be smack dab in the middle of rush hour on my way home from Motive on Wednesdays and Fridays.  Awesome.

It seems like every time I’m stuck in a little bit of traffic, my mind wanders and I end up crying about something.  Today  I was thinking and crying about the different types of relationships I have with different people.  There are so many different levels of emotional attachment, but they aren’t expressed in a traditional, or even practical, manner.  It was making me question how to develop relationships from here on out.  I know what I want and I know how those types of relationships work in theory, but putting them into practice is a different story.  I’m scared of getting hurt and I’m scared I’ll hurt more people that I care about.  I’d take all the hurt if it meant never hurting people I love, but I just don’t think that’s possible.  I hate that I’ve hurt people I love.  So many.  I haven’t been abandoned.  I’ve driven people away.  I’ve driven people away because I hurt them.  And it hurt me because I was emotionally attached.  I am emotionally attached.