Today was more of the same as yesterday. It was too hot to do anything, but I ended up taking another nap. Scout got to roam around the house today though, even with the boys around. Romeo was okay with it, but Rico was pissed and hissing and swatting at anyone who went near him.
I don’t like being here. I don’t like being home home. I wish I were back in Malibu. Malibu’s my home, not this place. I can’t wait to get back to school, but I’m pretty worried about this year. I was talking to Rebecca about it, and there is just so much that I feel is up in the air. I don’t know how my living situation is going to turn out, I don’t know how being on The Board is going to turn out, I don’t know how my relationships with Erin and Katy are going to turn out, I don’t know how my well being is going to turn out, and I don’t know what I’m going to do after this year. This is my last year of undergrad. Am I going to grad school after graduation? Am I going to have a job after graduation? Am I going to move back home after graduation? I don’t know. I just feel so lost. Rebecca didn’t have so much to say about it, but she wasn’t the best person to vent to. She has no clue what she’s doing with her life. And I feel like when I talk to Rebecca about real things, which hardly ever happens, but when I do, I feel like she isn’t really listening to what I’m really saying. She just tries to reply with what would make me laugh or feel better for that moment. Granted, sometimes I need to laugh and be told something to make me feel better, but when I need to be told the truth, I don’t get it. That’s the role I play in our relationship, when I have to play it, which isn’t all that often.
I’m worried. It’s hypocritical of me, but I don’t want to go through this alone. I’ve been fighting to be alone for so long, but that’s not really what I want.
I feel like I don’t really have a home anymore. I feel out of place here, like I don’t belong. I can’t help but think of Dory from Finding Nemo when she says, “When I look at you, I’m home.” I want to find that. Not necessarily when I look at someone, but maybe when I’m with that someone. Or maybe I can even find a song to melt into. I just want to feel comfortable and like I belong. I’m trying so hard to find myself and to figure myself out, there are just so many facets that I don’t know how to deal with. So many new feelings are unfolding. So many new urges need fulfilling. I’m so lost.
I think Bed Space sums up what I’m feeling right now.
You should listen to it. Darwin Deez.
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