July 6

Today was my mom’s day off and it would’ve been nice to spend some time with her, but I had to go to Motive today.  The day was full of phone calls and emails, but I did get some flirting in with Gannon.  Instead of going sitting in two hours of traffic to get home, I sat in 25 to get to Malibu.

I met up with Maddie for dinner and she ranted about stuff while I listened.  That’s how our relationship works.  When I try to vent about something, she doesn’t have anything positive to say.  In her mind I think it’s supposed to make me feel better, but it doesn’t.  She was ranting about how she and Yeltsin got in a huge fight and broke up, but would probably get back together.  I don’t see why she would want to do that since all she does is seem to complain about what a crappy boyfriend he is.  She hasn’t been happy for months, so I just don’t see why she would want to go back to that.  But now that I’ve written that out, I’m kind of in Yeltsin’s position.  I didn’t keep the people I love happy, I fucked up, and now they’re gone.  Yeltsin’s already trying to win Maddie back.  I want to get my friends back.  But, like with Maddie, why would they want to go back to a person that made them so unhappy?  They shouldn’t.  Yeltsin better change if he expects Maddie back.

My only piece of anything relative to venting or ranting during dinner consisted of the statement that I miss Erin and Katy.  Then Maddie went on a rant about that.  She obviously feels very strongly about that whole situation, but she doesn’t know the half of it, and I can’t get a word in edgewise.  I normally disregard what she has to say on the matter anyway.

On my way home, I was in a tearful battle with myself.  Do I wait out the summer, or do I do something?  I know what I want to do, but what am I supposed to do?  What should I do?  What is expected of me?  What is wanted of me?  What is needed of me?

Upside down.  All of it.  And it’s completely my fault.

Damaged goods, but maybe I can be restored.  People like projects like that.