July 20

The dreams I’ve been having since I’ve been home are unreal.  They’re so detailed and extravagant and so… real.  They’re random and have people in it that I haven’t see for years, or spoken to ever.  I don’t ever want to wake up most of the time, but I have to.  I’m a big kid two days a week that has to go and do bitch work.

Motive was okay today.  I spent the first 2 hours eating and helping Melissa with computer stuff, but Melissa’s cool, so I didn’t mind.  And I love eating.  I did get a little peeved when I found out Paige was working on designing logos though.  I’m the graphic designer.  I’m the one who should have been given that job.  Whatever.  She was doing a good job, so it’s okay.  I guess.

For weeks now, I can’t get the thought of me not caring about Erin and Katy out of my head.  I hate that they feel that way and I’ve hated that I couldn’t seem to think of anything to show them that I care.  It obviously isn’t as simple as saying “I care” because I tried that and it didn’t work.  And Erin didn’t want to listen when I tried telling her that.  I’d try again, but I feel like it would just fall onto deaf ears, so I really don’t know how to fix that one.  I wish I could just talk things out with her.  And convincing Katy that I care is pretty difficult when we’re “on a break” and haven’t been communicating.  I don’t even remember what this break was supposed to accomplish and it’s been killing me.  I hate not being in contact with Katy.

While I was stuck in traffic on the way home from SanMo, I came up with this crazy plan.  It’s rash, and I may be making a huge mistake, but I’ll just have to see.  I’m pulling out all the stops with this one.  If this doesn’t work, I’m giving up.  I’ll give in to what people have been telling me, and I’ll just give up.  I just hope my plan works.  More than anything, I hope my plan works.

I think I’m going to be too anxious to sleep tonight, but I have to get some sleep.  I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.

What am I doing?