July 8

I had an earlier start than usual today on account that I needed to be at Motive at 10 instead of noon.  A lot of work needed to be done and I was going to be the only intern.  Unfortunately for Becca and Melissa who were so happy when I came in early, Erin stole me away for 2 hours to help her with computer stuff, so it really was like I got in at noon.  I actually did work today, compiling spreadsheets, cross referencing contact lists, taking notes on a conference call. I felt useful and important for once.  And some guy came in for an interview this afternoon, Nick, and Becca put him to work right away.  The awkward part of the afternoon came when Becca gave me her keys and told me to take Nick to Staples so we could buy some things for the office.  I still think I’m a good driver, but since the accident, and even despite the meds, I get anxious when I drive.  And driving someone else’s car just makes it worse.  It was okay though.  I had to stay calm to not freak Nick out or ruin “Snowflake.”  Nick and I got along well and made it back with all the goods and finished up working on some things for the last hour of the day.

Traffic this morning and this evening made me realize that I still compulsively analyze.  The drive home was rough.  Instead of compulsively analyzing the past and how much I fucked it up, ending up in hours long catastrophe modes where I would beat myself up, my analyzing has instead turned its focus on the present and future.  I’ve been compulsively analyzing my current confusion and have been trying to weigh the pros and cons about what actions I should take to resolve that confusion.  That just leads me to be more conflicted and more confused.  I also analyze my future and how it will play out if certain things happen.  I don’t think any form of that compulsive analysis is healthy, but I don’t know how to stop it.  It really only happens when I’m driving and I have nothing to distract me.  The songs blasting through the speakers aren’t even enough after my mind has started.  I’m really glad I’m not beating myself up anymore though.  I think that’s kind of a big step.

I feel like I’m working hard to “try to figure my ish out” and I genuinely feel progress has been made.  I’m thinking differently, and I definitely feel different than I did a month ago, I just don’t know if that’s enough.  I feel like there are so many chapters of myself to get to that I’ve been archiving in deep places that not even I knew existed until I saw hints of them in other chapters.  I’m sure there’s a whole library worth discovering.  Too bad I’m not a speed reader.