Because I went into Motive on Monday, I didn’t have to go in today. Unfortunately, Scout didn’t get the memo and woke me up at 5:30, again. But then we slept until noon and then lounged around for the rest of the early afternoon. I finally ventured out to get some things for the house and the animals and then came home to just chillax for the rest of the evening with my mom.
Despite the drugs, I feel like my anxiousness about my relationships and the future has been building and creating pressure. Texting Erin relieved some of it, but I cracked again today, thinking that it would help even more. It helped, but not as much as I was hoping it would. I want things to be okay, but I really don’t know if they will be. My “okay” includes Erin and Katy in my life, and I’ll settle for acquaintances if I absolutely have to, I’d just really prefer if we were friends. I can’t imagine my life without them in it and I miss them so much. But I couldn’t imagine not living with them either and that’s what happened. I’m still working on accepting that. Not gonna lie, it’s been really tough. So I guess if they end up not being in my life, I’ll just have to accept it and move on, as hard as that may be.
I’ve been struggling so much with what I want, what I think will happen, and what should happen. I want to fix things and make them incredible, I have this sinking feeling that I’m too late to fix anything, and I really don’t think I deserve the chance to fix anything despite how badly I want to. I fucked up, royally. I completely own up to it, and I understand where I went wrong and where and how I need to improve, I just don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to make the relationships that I’ve ruined any better than what they were.
There’s this quote that I stumbled upon today that I really liked:
“Just because you don’t love someone the way they want to be loved, it doesn’t mean you don’t love them with everything you have.”
I don’t think I have a whole lot to give because I don’t accept a whole lot and I don’t express it in a traditional way, but when I love someone, it’s real. I hate saying “I love you” just to say it. If I say it, it’s for real. I think I may have said it to 4 people that aren’t family and I meant it for each one of them. When I love, I love with everything I have. It may not be much, or enough, but it’s everything I have. I feel like this summer of soul searching and rebuilding has given me an incredibly new insight on myself, and I’m growing vast amounts in some areas, and maybe not so much in others, but I think in the process I’ve accepted the fact that it’s okay to be emotional and say what I’m feeling, especially love. Love isn’t expressed enough, and I obviously didn’t express it enough because the two people I loved most, outside blood, didn’t think I cared at all. I’m not going to make that mistake again. My heart may still be broken, but when it’s whole again, my friends will know they’re cared about.
Rebuilding.
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