December 20

I went to bed at 10 thinking I'll get a good 6 hours in, but I couldn't fall asleep. I was tired, just not sleepy. And then I thought to myself, "At least I'm not awake thinking about things." So naturally I started thinking about things. Normally it's stuff that makes me get upset at myself, but this time not so much. Although I did end up getting a little mad since I was wishing you were here to talk me through everything, but I probably wouldn't have talked about it with you. Dumb. Keeping with the trend of the past few days, I was thinking about Daniel. I was thinking about why things ended the first time, the second time, and the third time. The first and second times were dumb reasons and those relationships were kind of dumb to begin with. However, our third run was way more of a relationship than the first two combined, even though I didn't want to think of it as a relationship. Maybe it was because we grew up, maybe it was because we already knew each other so well, or maybe it was because of some reason I haven't realized yet, but things were really good.

I don't know how many DTRs we had by the end of the summer, but the one right before I left for school was a doozy. I know I kind of mentioned it, but Daniel talked about how he wanted to be in a relationship with someone that he could have a future with. He had said that a few times before, but that one scared me. Adding a title to our relationship made it real, and when I thought of real, I thought possible future. I couldn't see Daniel in my future. I dragged it out and I finally felt bad enough for Daniel to end it. I was happy, I thought things were going really well, but I felt that we wanted different things. And I couldn't promise him that I wasn't going to find my future somewhere else.

I still have feelings for Daniel and I think I always will, and I think there's a reason why we keep coming back to each other, but I still can't see him in my future. I think part of it is because I've put a mental block there since I've tried repeatedly to convince myself Daniel is a bad idea, even when we were dating last summer. I don't know if that view would change if we started dating again, but it might. I just don't know if I'm willing to find out. I think if we were to try again, things would pick up right where they left off and it would be great, but I don't want to feel like I'm wasting Daniel's time or mine. I'd like a future too, just maybe not with Daniel. I don't know.

I finally fell asleep after 1, so I got a little less than 3 hours. Oh well. Amariah was a little late since PCH was closed, but we still got everything done on time. The morning was super slow since it was still raining, the power even went out for a sec, and Amariah sent me home at 8:30 when Johnny clocked in. I was scheduled until 1, so I was happy to come home. I ventured out to go Christmas shopping and run some other errands and was back home by 2. I started organizing my music again, but then I fell asleep until almost 6. Whoops. I made some dinner, went back to my music and decided to stop once I got about a third of the way through it. So much.