backslide

So I couldn't fall asleep last night again.  I don't know what the deal is with my not being able to fall asleep when I need to.  My roommate tried to get me to tell her my story, but I bitched out like I knew I would.  It's a problem.  I didn't really have anything to do so I read a little bit for POSC and I did some thinking.  Thinking about last year.  Thinking about who I used to be.  I am so glad I'm not that person anymore.  I hated that person.  I'm not proud of who I am, but I'm proud of who I'm becoming.  I don't want to backslide.

I'm also pretty scared about my future.  Not so much like my future, but next year.  I'm scared I won't get enough financial aid to continue at this school.  It's my dream school and I'm so glad that I'm here, but a lot of the time I don't know what I'm doing here.  I know I'm here for a reason, but what the reason is, I'm unsure of.  I still am confused as to how I got in, but I'm not complaining.  I got in because I needed to be here.  I just need to figure out a way to stay here.  I would be heartbroken if I had to go to a different school.  If I left, I wouldn't want to transfer back in.  I would be embarrassed to.  If I left, maybe I would come back for graduate school.  But I won't have to leave.  Everything will work out fine.  It has to work out fine.  This is where I'm supposed to be.  It's making me into the person I want to be.  I can't leave now.

**12:28

Why?  Why do I continue to have communication problems?  It's stupid.  I need to get over it.  Like seriously.  I get so worked up and nervous and scared when I have to speak to someone.  Someone that means something to me.  Perfect strangers or friends that aren't too special I can deal with.  I can deal with them perfectly fine.  It's the people that mean something.  I am so backwards.  I can't believe myself.  I thought I was doing better.  I guess I am in some aspects, but obviously not communication.  I'm still scared of feeling vulnerable.