April 21-27

Wednesday 4/21: What a day. I woke up early so I could get home at a decent time. Before stopping at my dad’s house to unload my car, I stopped by the post office to see my mom. She was pretty sad about my piercing and I felt really bad. She wasn’t being mean about it, but her tone some of the remarks she made just made me feel like she thought I was a disappointment. When I got to my dad’s, he didn’t look at me and he didn’t help me unload my car. I went to go get it washed and then went to the Honda dealer to have it checked out, since that was the whole reason I was home anyway. My dad picked me up from the dealership and then we went out to lunch. He still didn’t look at me. We talked about housing and then we talked about school. He asked how I was doing in my classes, and if I was going to get my GPA so I could declare IMC. I haven’t told him that’s not my plan anymore. The more he talked about school, the worse I felt. He has the expectations of me that I’m never going to reach. Then we started talking about my piercing. He gave me the “you’re beautiful and you should know that” speech. We ate and then it was time for the “until you work for some bohemian company where people have purple Mohawks, you’re not going to be taken seriously” speech. That one sucked. We had to run a work related errand after lunch, so our car conversation was about songfest, which somehow got to the topic about Delta Tau Delta, which got to the topic about some sorority that is trying to get started at school. Then my dad blew it. He asked, “So is it a sorority for cute girls with fucked up lip rings?” I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. I got to hang out with my little sister when we got back and left as soon as my car was ready at 5. I cried on the way back to school, picked Katy up at 6:30, and then we went to Forever 21 since she had been wanting to go. Katy got a whole bunch of things, but I didn’t get anything. I don’t really like Forever 21. It was really hard not to cry on the way back to school and I think Katy knew it because she asked if I wanted to vent. I did, very much, but I said no. Then I got mad at myself. I spent the rest of the night in Payson and then came back, took my piercing out, and cried myself to sleep.

Thursday 4/22: I woke up crying. I don’t know who I was more upset with, my parents or me. I was pretty mopey all day and spent most of it working on homework in Payson. After graphics I had a Ripboard meeting, which went really well, and then I met up with Chris and Katy for dinner. It was kind of awkward. I hadn’t been around them since that Friday that started our schism two months ago. They went to go see Isabela in some play, which Katy invited me to, but never told me when we would be going, and I went back up to Towers. At 8:45 I met up with some Gamma Ghkkkkket/Campus Ministry people and went nerd bowling. It was just what I needed. I was goofy and it was wonderful. I got back around 11:30 and Chris and Katy were MIA. She got back around 1:30 and filled me in about her day. We hadn’t really talked since I told her I didn’t want to vent in the car, so it was kind of weird. I was out cold pretty soon after.

Friday 4/23: I had told Katy the day before that I would go to Celebration Chapel with her, so I had to go. I was feeling down again when I woke up, so I didn’t really want to go, but I couldn’t just back out. I hate going back on things I say I would do. Katy and I didn’t talk all morning, or much after chapel. Madison came and ate lunch with us and walked back to Towers with us, so at least Katy was able to communicate with someone. I was still feeling bad about my family stuff and then I was feeling bad about not talking to Katy. We never have real conversations while we’re walking places. We never have real conversations while we’re eating. We never have real conversations while we’re in our room. I hate it and it’s my fault. I can chat with other people, even when Katy’s there, and Katy can chat with other people, even when I’m there, we just can’t seem to chat with each other. I just feel so bad about it. And I wish she would ask me if I’m okay. Obviously I’m not. And I would tell her that I’m fine, but I don’t want her to believe me. I want her to pry until I spill. I need to spill. I need that barrier to be brought down. She left for work a little before 2 and I left for the mall for some retail therapy. I got 2 t-shirts from Hollister, 4 bras from aerie since some of mine were in need of replacing, and a pair of strappy white sandals from Tillys. I sat around until 7 when I ventured to get food, and Katy was home from work by the time I got back a half hour later. Katy crashed and didn’t wake up until 9:45, and I caught up on some TV. Tyler called a little after Katy woke up and invited me over to watch a movie. We watched Pineapple Express, came back to the Towers lobby around 1, and then parted ways a little after 2.

Saturday 4/24: Katy and I didn’t have work, so I suggested we go out and do something, but she was going to Oxy, so that idea died pretty fast. I figured that since he had come over on Thursday, that was going to be their visit of the week. I was wrong. She left a little after 1. The night before while I was over at Tyler’s Katy texted and asked if I was mad at her. I apologized and said that I wasn’t mad at her but I was upset about my family stuff on Wednesday and about some other things. And I told her I wanted to talk to her and I was hoping we’d get to the next day. She was set on leaving for Oxy pretty much as soon as we woke up, so talking didn’t happen. She told me she’s here for me, but she’s never really here when I actually want to talk. We could text or send fb messages, but I’m tired of doing it that way, and as much as I want to do it that way, I’m going to try my best not to anymore. I want to have real conversations. I crashed as soon as Katy left and didn’t wake up until almost 6. I guess I needed the sleep. Fehlbaum called and invited me to dinner, so I really got up and got ready for that. As I was getting ready, Katy called about the condo. I was surprised she actually called. She just let me know that there’s another lease that the owners are considering. It’s a long term one, so it’s really up to the owners as to whether they want a short or long term lease. Fehlbaum came and picked me up around 7:15 and we went to dinner through the canyon and then hit up Mal Yo for some free yogurt. It was already passed 9 when we got back, so any thoughts of being productive for the day kind of just disappeared. I searched and downloaded some music until 11, and contemplated going to bed, but figured I’d wait for SNL. Then I crashed again around 1:30.

Sunday 4/35: I woke up earlier than I had planned on waking up, but it worked out I guess. I volunteered to help out with some Junior Day thing with athletics. I basically helped give tours to high school juniors that are considering Pepperdine for baseball, and then I worked tickets at the baseball game. It was a beautiful day for a baseball game. A little chilly to do anything else, but whatever. I think Katy got back from Oxy around 2, and I got back from the game around 4:30. It’s been feeling a little awkward and tense in our room again, but I’m sure it’s my fault since I’ve been standoffish and not wanted to talk, even though I do want to talk. I just don’t want us to end the semester awkwardly. If we end things in a weird position, I doubt we’ll be able to fix them over the summer and then things will just be weird when we start school again. I’m really worried that things are going to be weird between us. I ate some leftovers from dinner the night before and started writing Katy a message, but I stopped myself. When I summoned the courage to plop myself down next to Katy (I find that its easier to talk to her when im sitting, or laying, right next to her), she got up and started getting ready for her Dance Team dinner. I did, however, say “I haven’t talked to you in forever,” hoping it would start some kind of conversation, but it didn’t. All Katy said was, “Yeah, our schedules suck. I don’t know how I’ll have time to do everything this week between work, finals, and studying.” So I don’t know if fun finals week stuff is going to happen. I should’ve gone to the library right after eating, but I didn’t leave until close to 8:30. And I ended up sending Katy a message. I cracked. I hit up the Payson Rave, tried being productive for a little bit longer, and then went back up to Towers around 1 to shower. That rave got me all sweaty. I went back to Payson to work on papers and study until 5, and then came back to crash for a few hours.

Monday 4/26: I woke up at 9, got ready, and finished studying for my marketing final at 10:30. I actually felt really good coming out of it, so hopefully I didn’t fail. I don’t think I did well enough to get a B in the class, but we’ll see. I got back about an hour later, surfed around on the computer for a bit, and then got back to some papers I was working on last night. Katy was being a good kid was studying for our religion final already. There was no mention of the message I sent the night before, even though I specifically asked that we verbally talk about it. Maybe it was because she was studying and I was supposed to be studying… She left for work and I started to get my work done and then ventured to the library when things started slowing down in my room. Katy and I were texting for the first time in days and then things got bad. We were kind of snappy with each other and it ended with her saying “k.” That’s never a good way to end things. I felt really bad so I came back up to the room and cried a little bit and I apologized. I can’t help but feel like a terrible friend. And I’m sorry to you too. I’ve been a downer all year and I write to you about it so you have to deal with it too. I apologize for that. You shouldn’t have to read about all of the internal complaints that I have. Katy came back from work around 5:45 and crashed. I really wanted to, so I was way jealous that she did. I left at 6:30 to go get food since I was starving, but when I reached Smothers I realized I hadn’t printed out the reports that I spent all night/day working on. I cried on the way back up, printed them, and then went to the bookstore to get a report cover. The final wasn’t bad at all, so that calmed me down a bit. Fehlbaum was having some cupcake bar thing for her birthday, but I was too tired to go. I chillaxed and watched Katy pack up her side of the room and hoped that she would mention the message I sent her the night before. No such luck. Fehlbaum and her friends were heading our to Roscoe’s after the cupcake thing and I tried to convince Katy to go with me, but that didn’t work either. So much for adventures during finals week. Those are my favorite types of adventures too. And I was hoping maybe we’d talk in the car had she gone with me. The ball’s in her court. I specifically asked her to acknowledge my message, but I don’t think she’s going to. I left for Roscoe’s around 10:30 and had a wonderful time eating chicken and waffles. I guess it was good that Katy didn’t go because Caroline Mobley and I were the only non-seniors and Katy wouldn’t have known any of them besides Laura. I was okay though. I got back around 1 and got ready for bed. Katy had spent that whole time talking to Isabela in the HAWC. Me? Jealous? No way.

Tuesday 4/27: Katy woke up early to work on some paper, but I slept in a bit and actually got almost 8 hours of sleep. It was wonderful. I could’ve slept more, but I really needed to get up and start studying for our religion final. I dreamt about London. I keep forgetting that I’m not going anymore. It’s not like I think I’m still going, I just forget that I was going, and now I’m not. It’s quite sad and I’ll probably be bitter about it for a while. I was able to convince Katy to grab some lunch with me at the caf, and it wasn’t all that awkward. We were actually kind of silly. It was nice. We got back around 1, Katy left for work around 1:30, and I started studying at 2:30. I seriously doubt that we’re going to talk about that message. Maybe she’s afraid of talking to me too… She got back from work around 4:30 and we spent a good hour and a half studying/complaining. I was spent, but she went back to studying after taking a break for a few minutes. That’s why she gets A’s and I get C’s. I know I apologized for being all Debbie Downer on you this year, but I would also like to apologize for the length of this update. It’s longer than the big religion paper I spent all of last Thursday working on. Katy and I went down to dinner about an hour before our final and did some last minute cramming. The religion final wasn’t all that bad and Katy and I finished at the exact same time. Convenient. We stopped by the caf to grab some butter for Rice Krispies, took some quick pics with George, and then headed back up to Towers. I watched Parenthood at 10, Katy fb chatted with Isabela, and then we went on a Ralphs run for some marshmallows. It finally felt like finals week when we were making Rice Krispie Treats and things felt the way they felt a long time ago between us. I loved it. We went to go share with Karen and Kasey, but they were nowhere to be found. Fail. 2664. Sorry.